[CLICK]
MARTIN: Sorry again that the Archivist isn’t actually in today, um… but I should be… absolutely fine to take your statement if it, um, if that’s okay with you?
LYNNE: Er… yeah.
MARTIN: O-kay.
MARTIN: Um. Are you, are you comfortable?
LYNNE: Yeah.
MARTIN: Right. Right.
[THROAT CLEARING]
MARTIN: Statement of Lynne Hammond, er, recorded 2nd of May 2017, regarding…
MARTIN: Uh, what, what’s this one about?
LYNNE: I saw a ghost.
MARTIN: O-kay.. Regarding a… a ghost. Statement begins.
LYNNE: …
LYNNE: Sorry. What happens now?
MARTIN: Oh, er… [nervous chuckle] Well, I mean, you, you tell us what happened.
LYNNE: Well, yeah, I did. I saw a ghost.
MARTIN: Er, no, I mean, I mean, you, sort of, tell the story of -
LYNNE: Yeah. The story is: I saw a ghost.
MARTIN: Okay. But what, what was it like? How did it make you, er, feel?
LYNNE: Erm… it was… scary and it made me feel… scared.
LYNNE: I’m sorry. Am I doing this wrong?
MARTIN: Ah… no, no, no, it’s okay. Erm… Let’s, let’s try this again. Try this again…
MARTIN: When did you first see this ghost?
LYNNE: Oh… god. Erm… about a year ago.
MARTIN: Anything more specific than that?
LYNNE: Er, I mean it’s been a while. I can’t really remember -
MARTIN: Er… okay, okay. Er, where? Where, where did you see the ghost?
LYNNE: Uh, my old flat.
MARTIN: Okay, okay, great. Which … where’s that?
LYNNE: Clapton.
MARTIN: Clapton. Clapton, okay. And, erm, what, what were you doing when you saw the, when you saw the ghost?
LYNNE: Well, I was asleep.
MARTIN: …
MARTIN: You -
LYNNE: Well, I mean -
MARTIN: …saw a ghost when you were asleep?
LYNNE: No, no, obviously I woke up.
MARTIN: Right, right.
LYNNE: And… ghost.
MARTIN: Right. Erm…
LYNNE: Well, first it was, like… a burning smell.
MARTIN: Oh! Okay, okay. So… Did this happen a lot?
LYNNE: Yeah, yeah. A few nights.
MARTIN: Okay, right, so, like you’re, you’d wake up in the night, and you’d smell burning, and… what did you do?
LYNNE: Well… I first checked that my house wasn’t on fire.
MARTIN: Yeah… And then?
LYNNE: Go back to sleep.
MARTIN: And when it happened again, you would…?
LYNNE: Well, after a few times I realised, my house wasn’t on fire, so I’d just go straight back to sleep.
MARTIN: O-kay.
MARTIN: What, what happened the first time you saw the ghost?
LYNNE: I mean… [sigh] she was there…
MARTIN: Oh, it’s a ‘she’. Okay, okay. So describe the ghost to me. It’s, it’s a woman? A girl? A…
LYNNE: Yeah, yeah. A young woman.
MARTIN: And, and what was she doing?
LYNNE: I mean, she was on fire.
MARTIN: …
MARTIN: O-kay.
MARTIN: Erm, so, so she’s on fire. So what did you do? You’ve, you, you, you’re waking up in the night, and you’re seeing a… a woman is on fire in your flat, so you…?
LYNNE: I mean… what can you do? She wouldn’t be there for long.
MARTIN: Okay. Er… so, you didn’t call the police or…?
LYNNE: [Snorts] Well, no. I mean, it sounds a bit crazy, doesn’t it?
MARTIN: Okay, so…. So what is it that, sort of, made you… erm… [sighs]
MARTIN: Why are you here?
LYNNE: My friend told me that, y’know, this is where you report stuff like that, so…
MARTIN: O-kay.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[MOUTH SOUNDS WHILE SETTING UP RECORDER]
TIM: [Sounding tired] Right, so… tape’s on.
TIM: Who are you?
‘SMITH’: Er… I’m, um, I’m ‘Smith’.
TIM: Just ‘Smith’?
‘SMITH’: Um, ‘John’… ‘John Smith’. [Elongates vowels] ‘John Smith’.
TIM: Your name’s ‘John Smith’?
‘SMITH’: ‘John Smith’.
TIM: [Very softly] Right, okay, good.
TIM: And… [heavy sigh] why are you here, ‘Smith’?
‘SMITH’: Er… well, um, I’m, I’m here coz, er… coz I have something to report. I’m, um, I’m worried.
TIM: Shouldn’t you be going to the police potentially?
‘SMITH’: Ah, I don’t think they can help with this. Um…
TIM: Right. And so… what, what brings you here? What do you need help with?
‘SMITH’: Well, I’ve, um, I’ve… er, I’ve seen some things.
TIM: Right.
‘SMITH’: I think, er, I’ve, I’ve heard, er, er, your, your, er, your field… Found a few web pages, er… long time ago.
TIM: And can we talk about why it is specifically that you’re here, Mr. Smith.
‘SMITH’: Sure, sure.
‘SMITH’: Um, so, so you know Aldwych Tube station?
TIM: I do.
‘SMITH’: Um, it’s not, it’s not a Tube station any more, obviously, it’s abandoned now. Um, but I was, I was there with, er, an, an associate, er, we’ll call him… ‘Jeremy’…
TIM: Right.
TIM: Good.
‘SMITH’: And, er… we, we broke into the, the Tube station-
[TIM SIGHS]
‘SMITH’: - ‘coz we wanted to, have a, have a look around, ‘coz y’know-
TIM: What drove you to break into a Tube station, Mr. Smith?
‘SMITH’: Well… It’s… It’s part of, part of London’s history, y’know. It’s public transport, it’s interesting.
TIM: And you wanted to see the interesting things?
‘SMITH’: Yeah. I mean, y’know, there’s still trains running though at the platform level but there’s no… there’s no, the station isn’t running any more, it’s been abandoned. So much of the things there are all in original condition. Like they’ve still got the original adverts up and things like that.
TIM: Right… okay.
‘SMITH’: From when they shut it down. ‘coz they’ve never been removed.
TIM: But why specifically there Mr. ‘Smith’?
‘SMITH’: Oh, well, I mean, we had, we had some ideas about what, what might be down there. Y’know, it’s not, not just the, not just the, y’know, the public transport stuff and the adverts. We thought… might be something a little bit, a little bit more… I dunno, something, something worth investigating.
‘SMITH’: Um. We were down there, in the tunnels, and… and then the torches went out. And I think… [sniffs] I think they took him.
TIM: “They”?
‘SMITH’: Yeah, them. Them.
TIM: Okay. And who are they?
‘SMITH’: Well, I mean, you, you must know? I mean, like, this is the Magnus Institute. I mean, like, you know this stuff, right? You know, the people who are down in the tunnels, y’know…
TIM: What people are down in the tunnels, Mr. ‘Smith’?
‘SMITH’: The Government.
TIM: [Sighs] The Government?
‘SMITH’: Yeah, yeah, the Government.
TIM: Wonderful.
‘SMITH’: They’re down… they’ve got, they’ve got a holding facility down there. It’s a secret holding facility.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
BASIRA: Right. Statement of… Robin Lennox?
ROBIN: Well… my friends call me Rob, well, some of, some of my friends call me Rob. Er… a lot of my friends, I guess some of them call me Robin. You can call me… er, if it makes it easier for you, then, yeah, that’s-
BASIRA: May 20th 2017. About a stone circle, I think. That’s what you said?
ROBIN: Erm, so it started, it started on, er, a day, when me and, er, me and Jackie, we were walking - Jackie’s my dog.
BASIRA: Okay
ROBIN: We were, we were walking down the South Downs, which is what we normally do, er, before we go visit my mother for a, for a roast. Um. We were walking down and, er-
ROBIN: Are you much of a dog person?
BASIRA: What day was it?
ROBIN: Um, so, this… when would this have been, now? Now, this was about, about two weeks ago, so what would, would, where are we now? Um, that would put it at, maybe, maybe the 6th, I think.
BASIRA: Okay.
ROBIN: Perhaps… So, so, me and Jackie were walking down, down our usual trail, down the South Downs, and, er, in Lewes, er, which, er, like I said, is where my mother lives. Um, so were walking, walking along just - er, Jackie just loves to run off the lash and just run, scour around the fields and-
BASIRA: Okay. So you were walking, a couple of weeks ago-
ROBIN: Er, that’s right, yes.
BASIRA: - it was about noon -
ROBIN: In the South Downs, yes.
BASIRA: - yes, in the South Downs.
ROBIN: And… off in the distance, something just caught my, something just caught my eye, and I, I have pretty good eyesight. I, er, I had them… had, had an eye test a few days ago -
BASIRA: Yes.
ROBIN: Y’know, one of those free ones that you get, you go along just for the sake of it -
BASIRA: What… What did you see?
ROBIN: Okay, right, so, I, I thought to myself that, that stone circle, that wasn’t there before. At least, I thought it was a cir- a stone circle. So, so, me and Jackie went off to investigate - Jackie’s quite a curious dog. Um, it’s quite a normal thing for Jack, er, Jack Russell terriers to be curious animals -
BASIRA: So you went to investigate that?
ROBIN: Right, yes. So, so, we, we were, we were walking towards this, er, this, what I thought was a stone circle. So, I was, sort of, walking towards it, and I, I really noticed it got, it got quite a lot chillier. So it was quite a sunny day -
BASIRA: Okay.
ROBIN: - erm, I hadn’t, I hadn’t taken a jacket. Y’know when you sort of look out the window and you’re like ‘Today’s a jacket day’ -
BASIRA: [Desperately trying to get him on track] So you thought… you saw this stone circle?
ROBIN: Oh yes, yeah.
BASIRA: Started walking towards it?
ROBIN: That’s right.
BASIRA: And then..?
ROBIN: Okay, so, so, yeah, it’s like I said, it was definitely, definitely a bit, definitely a bit chillier. Um, I don’t think there was any wind or anything that day, but it, yeah, just sort of, as I was walking towards it, felt, felt the chill. And I felt Jackie, sort of, start to walk closer to me. She started to run off a lot less, as if she sort of - I don’t know, maybe I just sort of noticed th- y’know when you sort of get a feeling for what mood a dog’s in, um, when you sort of spend a lot of time around them-
BASIRA: So, what about this stone circle?
ROBIN: Oh, the stone circle. So, so, I got closer, and I realised that, although I hadn’t seen, I hadn’t seen the stone circle before, but the, the, sort of texture of the rocks and, maybe a bit of, er, I dunno, they looked quite old. They, they definitely looked like they had been there for a long time, but that they, but I recall them definitely not being there, ‘cause, ‘cause, I’ve taken that route maybe five or six or… [mumbles] a few times now. When was the first time I took that route? I think that was with -
BASIRA: So you don’t remember seeing this before, but the rocks looked old?
ROBIN: Let me start again.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
MELANIE: Alright then. Statement of… Brian… er… ‘Fentinson’?
MELANIE: BRIAN *: Oh, um, it’s, it’s, it’s… it’s Fin- Finlinson.
* (Transcriber’s Note: Brian is a lot more ‘angsty’ and stammers more than can be realistically captured in this transcript.)
MELANIE: Ah, right, sorry. That’s the… the handwriting here.
MELANIE: So. Statement regarding…
BRIAN: Sp-Spiders. B-B-But, I mean, lot, a lot of spiders!
MELANIE: Ah. Good. A spider one.
BRIAN: What?
MELANIE: Date: May 26th. And, er, go on… ah, let’s, let’s get this over with.
BRIAN: [Confused] Is… Look, is everything okay?
MELANIE: [Sighs] Yes. Yes, it’s, it’s fine. Sorry, I just, I just don’t hold out a lot of hope for… coherence.
BRIAN: What?
MELANIE: Our Archivist is on leave.
BRIAN: I don’t really. Look. I don’t really like staying in one place too long.
MELANIE: Fine. Statement begins.
BRIAN: Oh, um, I…
MELANIE: That means get started.
BRIAN: Oh, um, so… The spiders, they’re just, they’re all over my flat. Hundreds of spiders, and it’s freaky, like they just don’t act like spiders. And they’re leaving, like, web all over, all over my stuff, like on the sofa, and on like, on like, the microwave. Like, that’s weird, right? It’s not how spiders normally are.
MELANIE: [Interjecting] So… let’s, let’s, let’s, er, take this from a bit earlier. When did this start? When was the first “weird” spider?
BRIAN: A couple months? Nah, maybe a bit longer. Like, it, it started gradually, I guess. Like, y’know, I don’t like spiders, and sometimes, sure, there’s one in the bathroom, a little web or something, but that’s normal. And I just, y’know, asked a friend to deal with it or something. And, and then… Suddenly there were more spiders! Like the corner of every room. And it’s freaky ‘cause there’s, like, different types of spider. And different…
BRIAN: MELANIE *: Right.
* (Transcriber’s Note: Throughout Brian’s statement, Melanie repeatedly makes general noises of agreement or acknowledgement.)
BRIAN: And they don’t normally, like, gather in groups of different species. It’s different species of spider, isn’t it?
MELANIE: [Stuttering somewhat] I-I-I-I’m not familiar…
BRIAN: I feel like they’re watching me!
MELANIE: What do you mean? Are they looking… at you?
BRIAN: They, they, they sort of move when I move. And, like, when I, when I go into a different room, I feel like there’s a, there’s a flow of spiders to the same room, or- But they don’t let me touch them, or, or, if I try and whack ‘em with a newspaper, they don’t let me get near!
MELANIE: Right.
BRIAN: And then… and the weirdest thing was when I asked an exterminator to come and look at the problem. They all disappeared! It’s like the first time I’d been, there’d been no spiders in weeks. And then suddenly, as soon as he leaves, they all come back! It’s like suddenly they’re there again!
MELANIE: [Trying to interrupt] Was… was… was that maybe the first time there had been another… person… looking at, at your flat?
BRIAN: Um. Well, I mean, I guess so? But no, ‘cause like-
MELANIE: Trying to pick this apart…
BRIAN: - I haven’t, haven’t invited someone to come over ‘cause there’s spiders and webs everywhere. But like - but there’s - I mean -
MELANIE: And the webbing…?
BRIAN: - Just think it’s the other day, they webbed, they webbed my bedroom door shut. I mean, that’s weird, right? Like, enough spiders leave enough web to seal the door. And they trapped me in there with the, all those spiders. That’s not normal, right?! That’s freaky! That’s supernatural!
MELANIE: But -
BRIAN: That’s what you guys do, isn’t it?
MELANIE: It does sound unusual…
BRIAN: Like, the supernatural, right?
MELANIE: Um… I mean, we’re, we’re an investigative… unit, but we’re…
BRIAN: I just wanted some help! Like, I heard you guys like… I thought if you know about the supernatural, maybe you could help me deal with this!
MELANIE: I… really wish that was the case.
BRIAN: [Distressed] Oh god!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
LYNNE: Yeah, and then… she… er, reached out to me.
MARTIN: Oh, okay. Okay, right, so she reached out, um, and then… what, what happened? She reached out to you, so what did you do?
LYNNE: Er… Well, not a lot.
MARTIN: Right.
MARTIN: Um, and, and then she just… disappeared like normal?
LYNNE: I mean… she burned me a bit.
MARTIN: Oh! Oh wow! Okay, er, like, are you okay? Did you-
LYNNE: Oh.
MARTIN: Was there, was there a lot of damage? Are you - Is there…?
LYNNE: No, no, no. It’s… er, just, just a few hairs. My right arm. I mean they, they’ve grown back.
MARTIN: Like, like a few hairs? So then…
MARTIN: And then she disappeared and you…?
LYNNE: I went back to sleep.
[MARTIN GATHERS HIMSELF WITH A LONG INTAKE OF BREATH
MARTIN: Right. Erm…
MARTIN: And, well, then what happened? So, y’know, y’know, you’ve been burned by this, mys-mysterious ghost, so what did you do?
LYNNE: I mean, I moved out.
MARTIN: And nothing… nothing since then?
LYNNE: Well, no. I’ve, I’ve moved.
MARTIN: Right.
MARTIN: Erm, I’m - I don’t suppose you’ve looked into the, the history of the building, or anything?
LYNNE: Why?
MARTIN: O-kay. Erm… Statement ends. I guess. Er… okay, yeah, great, um.
LYNNE: Cool.
MARTIN: Thanks so much for coming. Really appreciate it.
MARTIN: Erm, yeah, if you… yeah, if you head out, um, by the way that you came in, there’s a woman at the front desk, she’ll take your details down…
LYNNE: Great.
MARTIN: …and then we might, y’know, might be in contact about it in the future if we, if we do any follow up, and need, need to talk to you about any specifics again, but… that probably won’t…
LYNNE: Oh. You, you got everything then, yeah? That’s…
MARTIN: Erm… Yeah. Yeah. Y’know what, yeah. I think, I think that’s basically it, y’know. Th-Thanks so much for coming in, though. We do appreciate it.
LYNNE: Cool.
LYNNE: I know. Cool.
LYNNE: …
LYNNE: Er…
MARTIN: S-Sorry, is there, there is something else that, um…?
LYNNE: No, I just, just thought that maybe you would…
MARTIN: Er…
LYNNE: I mean, do I get… a… piece of paper or something?
LYNNE: To…
MARTIN: No, no, it’s fine. It’s, it’s, it’s fine.
LYNNE: …say that I’ve done it?
MARTIN: We, we, we keep an internal record.
LYNNE: I mean, do I… Is there, like… an invoice or something? I…
MARTIN: [Confused] In…? An… invoice?
MARTIN: For…?
LYNNE: I mean, just, just, my friend Gav said that, y’know, you guys… you need stories, and you need people to come forward, so…
MARTIN: Yeah, yeah…
LYNNE: And you… kind of…
LYNNE: You pay up people for their ghost stories, so…
MARTIN: Oh! Er, ah… [Nervous chuckle] I, I think there might be a bit of a, er, er, mis-miscommunication here-
LYNNE: Oh!
LYNNE: Oh, right, okay.
MARTIN: Yeah. Yeah… We don’t actually, um… er, we don’t pay for, pay for statements.
LYNNE: Right.
MARTIN: This is, this is more, a, er, documenting process than… er, we don’t use these for, um, for stuff outside of -
LYNNE: Okay.
MARTIN: - r-r-records.
MARTIN: Ahh. I’m really sorry. Er…
LYNNE: Oh. I mean, I mean, that’s why I -
LYNNE: Er, no, y’know, okay, but that’s fine.
[MOMENTS OF EMBARRASSED MUMBLINGS]
MARTIN: Er…
MARTIN: Um…
MARTIN: Y’know what… Sorry. Um. Let’s see what I’ve got…
[MOURNFUL SOUNDS OF MARTIN’S LOOSE CHANGE]
MARTIN: I mean, I’ve got… I mean… get a coffee, I…
LYNNE: Y’know what? You’re, you’re alright.
MARTIN: No, no, please, please? I…
LYNNE: Oh, alright.
MARTIN: Y’know, er…
LYNNE: Thanks, thanks.
MARTIN: …like, like a macchiato, or…
LYNNE: Mm.
MARTIN: I mean, maybe not that much.
LYNNE: Okay, so, um… just the way out…
[TRANSFER OF COINS]
MARTIN: Yeah.
LYNNE: …the way I came in?
MARTIN: Yeah, please. If that’s… yeah.
[DOOR OPENS & CLOSES]
[MARTIN SIGHS WEARILY]
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
TIM: [Wearily] Mr. Smith…
‘SMITH’: [Irate] Look, Jeremy, is somewhere, under London, right now, having… bioweapons tested on him! Yeah! Like, and I know that, 100% certain, coz it’s a fact!
TIM: I think you might possibly be looking for a different agency…
‘SMITH’: Well, I, I think so! I came here, because I have uncovered, like, a massive government conspiracy, yeah. And what are you doing? You’re like… you’re what? Just frowning at me sceptically.
TIM: It’s possible you should take that to someone else, Mr. Smith.
‘SMITH’: Well! Well probably! Probably I should do that!
‘SMITH’: Coz that’s a fat lot of use you are! Mendacists! You’re rubbish!
[TIM SIGHS HEAVILY, OBSCURING MR. SMITH’S PARTING WORDS]
TIM: Statement ends.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ROBIN: Yeah, people have always said to me that Jack Russells can be difficult dogs, but I’ve always found that, that, as long as you, sort of, treat them right, and, you know, give them lots of treats, and it’s, it’s really quite -
BASIRA: [Getting exasperated] So you were in the spiral, and you heard an old man crying?
ROBIN: As I was meandering around, and you know when you hear, you, you hear someone crying, but you, you, but you definitely sort of say that’s, that’s… that’s, there’s an age in that voice. Like it sounded… like, if you, have you heard many old men crying?
BASIRA: [Sharply interjects] So you were following…?
ROBIN: Yes, that’s right. So, you know how, sort of, at places like Hampton Court, where they’ve got those little hedge mazes, and rather than, sort of, bounding straight into the middle of them, where you can just sort of walk over all the hedges, you have to, you have to, sort of, follow it through, er, I’ve, it sort of put in me in mind of that. As, er, as I sort of imagine myself in… exploring that maze -
BASIRA: So you followed the maze?
ROBIN: So I followed the, so I, yeah, so I followed the spiral, the spiral round and, er, I could definitely hear this sort of old man crying. And it d-d- It was definitely an old man, ‘cause it really reminded me of, er, this old chap I met once on a train, er, going, going to Liverpool. Er, he was, he was -
BASIRA: Mmmm, so… So what happened?
ROBIN: So, so… as I was going round, and, and hearing this old man, erm, I suddenly, suddenly realised that I was going to be late for… I was going to be late for my mum’s dinner that she had planned, er -
BASIRA: You… But… didn’t you say it was, it was about noon?
ROBIN: Well, that was the funny thing. So, you see, I, I looked at my watch, and I realised that six hours had gone by.
BASIRA: Six… Six hours?!
ROBIN: Yes, that’s right. So, er, at that point, I, I left.
BASIRA: …
BASIRA: I’m sorry?
ROBIN: Yes, so I would, I would have been late for dinner, so…
BASIRA: So you left?
ROBIN: So I got out of the spiral, and went to dinner.
BASIRA: …
[BAFFLED VOCALISATIONS]
BASIRA: Statement ends… I suppose.
ROBIN: Is, is, is that all you need from me?
BASIRA: [Emphatically] Yep.
ROBIN: Are you sure?
BASIRA: Yep!
ROBIN: You don’t, you don’t need anything -
BASIRA: Absolutely!
ROBIN: You want any more details -
BASIRA: Nope! Thank you Mr. Lennox.
ROBIN: Okay.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
BRIAN: [Highly anguished] …and I just, I dunno what to do anymore! I think they were following me. I think they followed me here! I saw a spider in the basement outside. And, and the webbing, it just…
BRIAN: it had this webbing, the sticky kind… and I just… I don’t know how I can keep… I just need… This is the first time I’ve been in a room where I haven’t seen a spider -
BRIAN: MELANIE (BACKGROUND) *: I…
BRIAN: Please, just…
BRIAN: There’s, there’s tea there.
BRIAN: Okay. Right. Yes.
BRIAN: Okay, breathe.
BRIAN: Yeah… well…
BRIAN: Drink, drink the tea.
* (Transcriber’s Note: Melanie and Brian’s speech occur somewhat concurrently, as she tries to get him to calm down.)
BRIAN: - and maybe this is safe -
MELANIE: [Laughingly strangled] No-o-o-o-o. No.
BRIAN: - or maybe they’re outside. I just don’t know!
MELANIE: It’s really…
BRIAN: I don’t know how else-
MELANIE: It’s really not safe.
BRIAN: [Wheezing distressedly] - carry on!
MELANIE: I’ll, I’ll get you some biscuits. I’ll get you, I’ll get you, I’ll get you… something… Just breathe!
MELANIE: Breathe for me…
[BRIAN TAKES SOME CALMING DEEP BREATHS]
MELANIE: Okay, yes.
MELANIE: Good. Good.
[DOOR OPENS & CLOSES AS BRIAN CONTINUES TO BREATHE DEEPLY]
BRIAN: Sorry. I know I shouldn’t…
BRIAN: I guess that’s… that’s everything. I, I just don’t…
BRIAN: Oh.
[CHAIR SCRAPING ON FLOOR]
BRIAN: [Calling out] H-Hello?
BRIAN: Sorry. Did I…?
BRIAN: I don’t, don’t know…
[MORE CHAIR SCRAPING]
BRIAN: Should I just… go?
BRIAN: Hello?
[VERY SHARP SQUEAL OF DISTORTION]
PETER: - do not want to be a character in a podcast. This -
BRIAN: [Taken aback] Woah.
PETER: This is not something I agreed to!
BRIAN: Oh, er… no, I… Hi.
PETER: People are listening to me talk right now! On their phones and computers and - and devices -
BRIAN: I don’t, um… I’m, I’m sorry. I was just, um… but everyone… just went.
BRIAN: Sorry. B-Brian. B-Brian Finlinson.
PETER: CD players, maybe.
BRIAN: No… I was just, um… making a statement, or, or whatever. Um…
PETER: I do not appreciate this, I never wanted to be in a podcast - did YOU agree to this?
BRIAN: [Thoroughly confused] I don’t… What?
PETER: I simply cannot handle this situation. I am sending you to an alternate dimension, I hope that’s all right -
BRIAN: No.
BRIAN: I’m, I’m sorry.
PETER: Listen, no one wants to be a character in a podcast. It’s better this way.
BRIAN: [Softly] What?
PETER: It’s better this way, Brian.
[VERY SHARP SQUEAL OF DISTORTION]
BRIAN: Yeah… Thanks… Uh… I - Oh.
BRIAN: Hello?
BRIAN: H-Hello?