MAG162 - A Cozy Cabin • The Magnus Archives Transcripts Archive Archive A (Extremely Unofficial)

[INT. THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, ARCHIVES, SOMETIME 2013-2014]

[We hear clinking, as if from some bottles. Someone turns some pages, then zips something.]

GERRY KEAY

Hmm.

GERTRUDE

Find anything interesting back there?

[As she speaks, Gerry startles and knocks down whatever it was that had been clinking. It hits the floor with a clatter.]

GERRY

Yeah, sorry, I was just, um – yeah.

GERTRUDE

Curiosity is a very dangerous trait in our line of work, Gerard.

GERRY

So is ignorance.

[Gertrude laughs: Fair enough.]

GERTRUDE

Well, you’re not going to find many dark secrets in the stationery cupboard.

[One of them closes the cupboard.]

GERRY

(amused) Just the recorded confession of your evil plans, then.

[Something creaks.]

GERTRUDE

Oh, I’d be something of a fool to leave that one in the recorder.

GERRY

I’ve never really seen you use it.

GERTRUDE

Mm. It’s generally only for those statements I think might be useful to my successor. Or, the occasional interview.

GERRY

So, do I get to hear them?

GERTRUDE

Perhaps. If you live long enough. But somehow I doubt Elias would look favorably on your application.

And if I’m being quite honest –

GERRY

(overlapping) Yeah, I know, I know. And I don’t want your job.

GERTRUDE

Believe me, the perks aren’t worth the shackles.

GERRY

(heard this all before) Yeah, yeah.

[Someone turns another page.]

GERRY

So, what’s the verdict?

GERTRUDE

Hm?

GERRY

(duh) On The Travels.¹

GERTRUDE

Oh – Burn it, I think. You said Mr. Hampton was dead?

[Page flip.]

GERRY

Yep – and not peacefully.

GERTRUDE

(overlapping) But you hadn’t seen its powers…?

GERRY

Not directly.

GERTRUDE

Well, given the themes of the original, I doubt it has anything that would be worth the danger.

GERRY

And when in doubt…

GERTRUDE

Well, quite.

GERRY

Can I use your wastepaper bin?

GERTRUDE

Yes, it’s just –

[She cuts off – just as there’s a creak from a desk or chair, likely Gerry beginning to get up.]

GERTRUDE

Wait. Surely you didn’t bring it here!

GERRY

Well, yeah, I, uh –

GERTRUDE

Gerard, we’ve talked about this. Bringing unvetted artefacts or books into the Archive is incredibly dangerous.

GERRY

It’s locked away!

GERTRUDE

And I’m sure the lock is very sturdy, but that doesn’t stop it being an unnecessary risk.

GERRY

(softer) Yeah. I’m sorry.

GERTRUDE

This is exactly the sort of thing that will get you killed!

GERRY

I said I was sorry!

[Briefest of pauses.]

GERTRUDE

Then we’ll say no more about it.

[She goes back to flipping through pages.]

GERTRUDE

I don’t enjoy being hard on you, but I really would rather you stayed broadly intact.

GERRY

I’m touched. You’re going soft in your old age.

GERTRUDE

(heh) Well, you are occasionally useful. Despite your foolishness.

GERRY

Flatterer.

GERTRUDE

Heh. You can probably burn it in the back courtyard, if you’re careful.

GERRY

(okay, okay) Yeah, will do.

GERTRUDE

And for goodness’ sake, make sure no one sees you. The last thing we need is a letter to Elias about book burnings.

GERRY

Look, if you have somewhere better to burn these books, then –

GERTRUDE

(overlapping, jokingly over-the-top) Of course, Gerard! I just happened not to mention the network of sinister tunnels that snake beneath the Archive where I keep all my darkest secrets.

GERRY

I mean, you joke, but there could be! It’s that kinda place.

GERTRUDE

I rather hope I would have found them by now. I like to think I’m not a complete incompetent.

GERRY

Until dementia hits.

GERTRUDE

Given my choice to confide in you, I rather suspect it already has.

[She flips more pages.]

GERTRUDE

Go burn your book!

[More flipping.]

GERRY

Gertrude.

GERTRUDE

(continuing her work) Mm?

GERRY

What happens if we fail?

[She stops.]

GERTRUDE

In… what sense?

GERRY

If we miss a ritual; you know – if one of them works.

GERTRUDE

Been losing sleep, have you?

GERRY

Yeah – something like that.

GERTRUDE

(measured) If we are lucky, then that failure will also mean our deaths.

[She exhales.]

GERRY

You don’t think they can reach us after death?

GERTRUDE

I suppose that depends on your religious beliefs.

[Her chair creaks.]

GERTRUDE

Personally, I suspect death puts us beyond their power, either we find ourselves in some… afterlife, or because we simply – cease to be.

GERRY

Yeah, I guess.

GERTRUDE

And I am certain that either scenario is preferable to lingering in a world they control.

They’re – (sigh) – already able to circumvent physics, and suspend natural laws. If one were to genuinely press through, I suspect they would rewrite them wholesale, most likely making them… utterly incomprehensible to any survivors.

They – They might still need us human enough to be afraid, but beyond that…

Let’s just surmise that (sigh) petty rules like space or time would be unlikely to factor into the proceedings. They might even stop death entirely, deny us the one last escape, keeping us alive and afraid – forever.

[Pause. Gerry exhales. Then:]

GERRY

And taxes?

GERTRUDE

(heh) Taxes, I imagine, will continue.

Beyond that, I honestly don’t know. I suppose it depends on which one comes through. The world of the Stranger would be – very different to that of the Corruption.

GERRY

Eugh. (pause) And if it does happen –

GERTRUDE

It’s my fondest ambition to make sure it does not.

GERRY

Yeah, sure, but – suppose it does.

GERTRUDE

(sigh) Very well.

GERRY

Could it be undone?

[Silence.]

[Gertrude takes a breath. Her chair creaks.]

GERTRUDE

(decision made) No. I don’t think so. Once an Entity fully manifested, I doubt it would be keen to fully relinquish its grip on realit–

[TAPE CLICKS OFF.]

[INT. SCOTLAND, A DAISY TONNER SAFEHOUSE, PRESENT DAY]

[The roaring of the post-ritual world is quieter than last time. The safehouse creaks as –]

[THE TAPE IS REWOUND.]

[TAPE CLICKS ON.]

[INT. THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, ARCHIVES, SOMETIME 2013-2014]

GERTRUDE

No. I don’t think so. Once an –

[INT. SCOTLAND, A DAISY TONNER SAFEHOUSE, PRESENT DAY]

[TAPE IS REWOUND.]

[TAPE CLICKS ON.]

[INT. THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, ARCHIVES, SOMETIME 2013-2014]

GERTRUDE

No. I don’t think so.

[INT. SCOTLAND, A DAISY TONNER SAFEHOUSE, PRESENT DAY]

[TAPE IS REWOUND.]

[TAPE CLICKS ON.]

[INT. THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, ARCHIVES, SOMETIME 2013-2014]

GERTRUDE

I don’t think so.

[INT. SCOTLAND, A DAISY TONNER SAFEHOUSE, PRESENT DAY]

[TAPE CLICKS OFF.]

[The safehouse creaks for a very long time.]

[TAPE CLICKS ON.]

[INT. THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, ARCHIVES, SOMETIME 2013-2014]

GERTRUDE

Once an Entity fully manifested, I doubt it would be keen to relinquish its grip on reality. And as for those unlucky enough to survive its rule… I don’t think they’d be in a state to do anything about it.

[Gerry exhales, a big heavy pfft of a thing. We hear some clothing sounds.]

GERRY

Well. Then I guess we’d better not let it happen.

GERTRUDE.

Well. Quite.

Now. I believe you have an evil book to burn?

GERRY

Yeah. Of course.

[His clothing rustles as he makes to get up.]

GERRY

You, uh – need anything else burning?

GERTRUDE

(a bit of a laugh to it) No, no. Not right now. I think I’m alright, thank you for the offer.

GERRY

Right.

GERTRUDE

Oh, and, Gerard –

GERRY

Hm?

[Chair creak.]

GERTRUDE

Don’t go rifling through my things in future. It could end… badly for you.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF.]

[INT. SCOTLAND, A DAISY TONNER SAFEHOUSE, PRESENT DAY]

[The tape recorder is opened, and the Gertrude/Gerry tape taken out. Another tape is put in.]

[The safehouse creaks during it all.]

[TAPE CLICKS ON.]

[INT. THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, ARCHIVES, JOHN’S TENURE, PRE-READING OF ANGLERFISH (2015)]

[Some rummaging noises.]

SASHA

This it?

TIM

Oh, thank god. I thought I was seeing things.

SASHA

Glad I could help.

TIM

I didn’t know he was actually gonna ask me to get it for him; I just mentioned it ‘cause he was talking about recording.

SASHA

Well, I’m sure he’s waiting!

TIM

(grumble) Mm, he can wait a bit longer.

[There’s a knock-knock-knock type sound.]

SASHA

Fantastic! Good of you to volunteer to help me.

TIM

Uh – I, I didn’t actually –

SASHA

Grab a stapler.

[Tim sighs in defeat.]

TIM

Fine. (another knock) What are we doing?

[We hear some more pages rustling.]

SASHA

John’s been getting frustrated with all the loose statement sheets around. (stapler) I’m going box by box, collating and stapling them. And now, so are you.

TIM

(exaggerated sigh) If you say so.

SASHA

(mock sympathy) I do.

[You can hear the smile in her voice as she speaks.]

[A few moments pass in silence with them flipping through statements and stapling. Then there’s a sigh from Tim, and:]

TIM

So. How are you finding our new leader?

[Stapler.]

SASHA

Mm, alright, I suppose. Early days yet.

[More page flipping.]

TIM

Sure, sure.

[Stapler. Pages.]

TIM

Do you think he knows what he’s doing?

SASHA

Mm, he’ll get there. (stapler) I just wish he wouldn’t take it out on Martin in the meantime.

[As their conversation continues, so do the stapling and page sounds.]

TIM

(heh) If only there had been someone more qualified!

SASHA

Tim.

TIM

Sasha.

SASHA

(same tone) It’s Elias’s decision.

TIM

It’s some sexist bullshit, is what it is.

SASHA

I mean. Probably.

TIM

Look, it should have been you, and you just know if you had called him out, the little weasel would start talking about traditions, and – (bad Elias impersonation) – the values of our esteemed founder, Jimmy Magma.

[Sasha starts laughing.]

TIM

Jonie… Magnum?

SASHA

Closer.

TIM

Jack Magnet?

SASHA

(laughing) That’s the one.

TIM

Ah, I’m serious, though. You should say something.

SASHA

Mm, Tim – I’ve been in academia for what, ten years now?

TIM

Mm.

SASHA

I know how this goes! I didn’t get the job. If I kick up a stink, I’ll just get blackballed.

TIM

(resigned) Ah, yeah. (brief pause, mischievous) What if we kill him?

SASHA

(ha) What, Elias?

TIM

No. Big Boss Sims. Cut the brakes on his office chair; no one would ever know.

[Sasha starts laughing again.]

TIM

Swap in a poisoned tea bag, pin it on Martin – the perfect crime.

SASHA

(still laughing) And how do you know that you won’t be the one that gets it? That boy makes a lot of tea.

TIM

No, it’s okay; I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocaine powder.

[Sasha lets out an exaggerated groan at the reference. Tim hehs.]

[A brief moment of silence, then:]

TIM

So, what are you gonna do?

SASHA

I don’t know, really. Might just get another job.

TIM

What, seriously, just jump ship?

SASHA

(eh) Yeah, I guess so. I mean, there’s not much out there at the moment, but I’ve got a few alerts set up.

TIM

(rueful) I can’t believe you’d just abandon our intense will-they, won’t-they storyline like that.

SASHA

Eeerm, I’m pretty sure we established it’s very much won’t they.

TIM

No, no, no, no, see – we had the ill-advised hookup, the awkward aftermath, and the gradually rebuilt friendship, but – that’s all season two stuff. We’ve got like five more seasons before we get the heartwarming epilogue that makes it canon.

SASHA

I know it’s hard to hear, mate, but you’re not the love interest. (beat) I think you might be the character they drop after the pilot!

TIM

(you wound me) Uh, wow. You are vicious today.

SASHA

Sorry, Tim! I can’t hear you over all this stapling.

[They staple in silence for a bit. Sasha sighs.]

SASHA

I guess it’s just – I don’t have anything keeping me here. You’ve got your brother –

TIM

(quieter) Yeah.

SASHA

Sorry. And Martin can’t go anywhere that’ll look too hard at his CV.

TIM

Wait. How do you know about that?

SASHA

It’s all on the system. Our digital security is shocking, by the way. Besides, it’s not even a good lie.

TIM

Okay, but seriously, you cannot let Martin know. He’ll think I told you, and I swore to keep schtum.

SASHA

Hey, don’t worry. I mean – I kinda just ended up here. And I like it – l,liked it. But if I’m bashing my head against the glass ceiling, it’s time to go.

TIM

Well. I’ll miss you.

SASHA

(fond) Yeah. You will.

TIM

Oh, for god’s sake. (bad impression of presumably everyone else at the Institute) Oh, Tim’s so hard to talk to, seriously, he won’t stop making jokes and references, not like Sasha. (normal) They’ve got no idea.

SASHA

(ha!) And they never will.

TIM

Seriously, though. Everyone thinks you’re just this reliable, down-to-earth nerd –

SASHA

And what makes you think they’re wrong?

TIM

So what, actually I’m the one who doesn’t get to see the real you?

SASHA

No such thing.

TIM

As what?

SASHA

A – A real you. I don’t think so, at least. It’s all just masks.

TIM

(amused) Alright, Stanislavski.

SASHA

You know what I mean.

TIM

You really believe that?

SASHA

Kind of! I mean, who knows why we do what we do?

TIM

I do.

SASHA

No. All you know is what your brain does to justify what you do. It’s no more reason than the face you put on for John. The only real you is the actions you take.

TIM

Hey, I’ll have you know I have a rich inner life.

SASHA

How nice for you. But hurry up with your outer one; you’re falling behind, and I’m not saving you any staples.

TIM

(laughing) Yeah, yeah. I still can’t believe Gertrude was allowed to let this place get into such a state!

SASHA

Mm. I just wanna know why.

TIM

What d’you mean why? You saw her, she’s like a hundred years old and more cardigan than woman. She just started to lose it. Sad, but it happens.

SASHA

You never talked to her, did you?

TIM

Well, I mean, I must have at some point.

SASHA

(heh) You’d remember.

TIM

Why? What was she like?

SASHA

Stone. Cold. Bitch.

TIM

Sasha!

SASHA

And sharper than you! No way this is accidental.

TIM

(pfft) Oh, yeah, this is all a big geriatric conspiracy.

[Silence.]

TIM

Wait, seriously?

SASHA

Mhm.

TIM

What possible reason could she have for being criminally incompetent in a manky old archive?

SASHA

No idea. And honestly, it kind of worries me.

TIM

Well, tell you what. If you get eaten alive by improperly filed statements, me and Martin will avenge you.

SASHA

(tch) Well, aren’t you sweet.

TIM

I mean it! We’ll burn this place to the ground, it’ll be all like (mock yelling) SASHA! SAASHAAAAA!

SASHA

And what about John?

TIM

(John impression) Well, given the incoherence of this statement, I find it hard to believe it ever occurred.

[Sasha laughs.]

TIM

In fact, based on the evidence, I find it highly unlikely that Sasha ever even existed at all.

SASHA

No. You took it too far! I’m unforgettable!

[Tim laughs.]

TIM

Alright. He fires you because of all the drugs and the wild orgies on Archive property.

SASHA

(still laughing) Yeah, that’s fair. Now, get back to work.

TIM

Yes, ma’am! See? Told you you’d make a good boss.

[TAPE CLICKS OFF.]

[INT. SCOTLAND, A DAISY TONNER SAFEHOUSE, PRESENT DAY]

[The background roars.]

[The Archivist’s breaths come shaky.]

[The safehouse creaks.]

[The Archivist exhales; the safehouse creaks again; a brown static begins to rise from the background.]

ARCHIVIST

(quiet) Wha–

[The static continues to rise in volume.]

ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT?)

There is a place, deep in the heart of fear, where you trap yourself and claim that it is safety.

[The static dies slightly to a comfortable level.]

It was once a cabin and professes still to be such, but as with all in this new world that promises respite, it is a trap.

[The safe house creaks.]

The land outside is warped and twisted by the touch of those things that feed on your suffering, and behind those rough, wooden planks it seems they cannot reach you.

The screams may linger on the distant breeze, and your Eye may wander beyond the curtains from time to time, but you and the one you love are, it seems, safe.

If you had need to eat, no doubt there would be food; if you had need to sleep, no doubt the beds would be welcoming.

But you have need of neither, and so you sit in your meager comfort and belief of security with nothing to do, nothing to distract your mind from the agonies that lie just beyond your window.

And those diversions you do find will offer no relief –

[The safehouse creaks.]

– but simply numb the mind into mournful nostalgia for a time when the world you inhabited seemed to make sense.

[The safehouse creaks. The outside howls.]

Something moves outside, struggling to crawl upon a hundred reaching, grasping hands. It shudders, and grips the earth, pulling itself along as nails rip free and skin scrapes loose. It is afraid of what it has become and where it might be going.

[The safehouse creaks.]

Close your eyes.

[The static subtly acquires another, whiter layer, higher and hissing.]

Ignore the sounds. You, at least, are safe.

[The safehouse creaks.]

There, within the thing that pretends to be a cabin, is the one you love. You hold each other –

[Creak.]

– whisper words of reassurance, but the place knows this comfort to be a lie, and laces upon it instead the awful fear of losing what you have.

[The safehouse is now creaking continuously over his words.]

Of it being stripped away by the chaos that waits for you beyond the walls.

Hold each other, it croons. Be happy. But know always that this happiness is a lie, built on the squirming bones of those whose suffering you have caused.

It will not let you feel the warmth and joy that this love may claim to gift. (lower) It is only a moldy treasure to be clung to. Something to fear the loss of as you hold it so tight that it withers and warps.

It is a rotten sanctuary of lonely companionship.

Outside it is raining. Heavy drops fall, ice-cold and laced with salt. Tears of voyeuristic delight from the eyes that see and drink in all.

It sinks, into the dry, cracked ground, and from the mud faces struggle to push themselves free and breathe. They cannot reach the surface, as the slick soil flows down their throats.

Look closer at the rough planks that make this cabin, and see that they are warmer, softer and more yielding than the hard timber they present. Are the dimensions of this place quite what they were when you stayed here before the change?

Or are the walls thicker, the doors heavier when they close? Were the curtains always stained that dull maroon? Or has the dust of the horrific world they keep at bay dyed them so.

The one you love is always near, so close that refuge sometimes feels a prison. And yet your voice does not echo when you call to them. And they find they sometimes cannot hear it.

[The static begins to intensify again.]

Stay, the cabin says.

[A clap of thunder!]

Stay within my false defenses, cling so close to what you desperately wish to save, and live in shaking fear of the things beyond that may take it from you. Throw another log on the fire and curl up close. There are always more logs for the fire here.

This is your home, and here you can be safe, as you putrefy, body and soul.

This place wishes to be our tomb. But the Eye does not wish that.

[Rumbling. The static intensifies yet again.]

No, the Eye wishes instead that it be my chrysalis.

It is time that I emerge.

ARCHIVIST

Ah-ah!

[Something falls to the floor and/or knocks against a table. Possibly the Archivist. The static recedes slightly. Martin opens a door and we hear him come in. The soft fire that’s been crackling for a while is a little more obvious now, though it’s still in the background.]

MARTIN

John? Is it – I thought I heard – are you – are you okay?

ARCHIVIST

I,ye– yes, I (sigh) I think so.

MARTIN

What happened? The tapes, were y–

ARCHIVIST

I, I was listening, and, i-it- it was the one with – Tim and, and Sasha, uh, where they’re –

MARTIN

Yeah, y-yeah. (soft) Yeah. (shaky breath) Look, John, I – I know it hurts, but you’ve just got to –

ARCHIVIST

(overlapping) No, no – O,Oka– (stops, starts over) I, I was listening, and I, I was filled with this… hatred. This anger; I, I wanted to leave (heh) and hunt down Elias, uh, and –

MARTIN

(overlapping) Uh – w,wow, okay.

ARCHIVIST

But when I thought it, th-there was – there was something else.

[The safehouse creaks.]

ARCHIVIST

Th-This place, it – it didn’t want me – it didn’t want us- to go.

MARTIN

What do you mean?

ARCHIVIST

This cabin.

[It creaks.]

ARCHIVIST

It’s not right.

[It creaks some more.]

ARCHIVIST

And when I thought that, I-I felt – (inhale) It, it all poured out of me, down into the tape. I, I, I – and it –

[Martin sighs.]

ARCHIVIST

– felt good. I-It felt right.

MARTIN

Okay. (pause) So you’re recording again?

ARCHIVIST

I – I might need to. If we’re going to make it.

[Creeeak.]

MARTIN

(genuinely surprised) Back to the Archives?

ARCHIVIST

Seems the best place to start.

MARTIN

Oh – (surprised exhale) Y,yeah, alright!

[The safehouse keeps creaking in the background.]

ARCHIVIST

Martin, it’s going to be a hard journey. One in which w–

MARTIN

(fast, excited) Yeah, yeah, yeah, so – I’ve actually had a couple of bags packed for a while now.

ARCHIVIST

(overlapping) Oh!

[Martin starts getting out said bags as he speaks.]

MARTIN

(overlapping) Um, I found some rope in the attic,

ARCHIVIST

(overlapping) Okay –

MARTIN

(overlapping) and I packed that with the maps.

ARCHIVIST

(audible smile) Uh, Martin –

[We hear Martin zipping/unzipping things over this conversation.]

MARTIN

No, no, no; I – I know what you’re going to say, (put-upon Spooky John impression) What good are maps when the very Earth has… eh, blah blah blah.

ARCHIVIST

W,w,well yes.

MARTIN

(on a roll) But I, I packed them anyway, because you never. Know.

ARCHIVIST

(fond) Martin.

MARTIN

I – I actually – (heh) I actually found a stash of tea under the kitchen sink – I –

[Fond sigh from the Archivist.]

MARTIN

I realize we don’t need to eat, or – whatever, but, you know, that doesn’t mean that we won’t –

ARCHIVIST

(overlapping, extremely fond) Yes – Yes, yes, it – alright. Alright.

[Sounds of movement.]

MARTIN

We’ve got this.

[One of them sorts through all the stuff Martin’s got ready.]

ARCHIVIST

(audible smile) Apparently so.

[More rummaging sounds.]

MARTIN

D’you think it’ll do anything? Confronting Elias?

[The rummaging continues.]

ARCHIVIST

I – (sigh) Maybe?

MARTIN

No, I’m serious – Do we –

[One last sound of movement, and then it stops.]

MARTIN

Is there a chance that we can undo this?

[The fire crackles.]

ARCHIVIST

(large inhale, then exhale) Gertrude didn’t think so.

[The safehouse creaks.]

MARTIN

Right.

ARCHIVIST

But she’s dead. (inhale) Let’s find out for ourselves.

[He hoists up something, or many things; we hear the contents slide around a bit.]

MARTIN

You’re – taking the recorder?

ARCHIVIST

Uh, just in case I need to – vent. Again, it – (inhale) it helps.

MARTIN

(heavy inhale/exhale) Okay.

[He picks up something of his own – his bag.]

MARTIN

You said this place – the, the cabin was – it – it’s feeding on us, right?

ARCHIVIST

Yes.

MARTIN

So, should we destroy it? Before we go?

[The cabin creaks very loudly.]

ARCHIVIST

I honestly don’t know if we can.

[He sighs.]

MARTIN

Mm.

ARCHIVIST

Besides, there’s – far worse out there. Better to try and avoid it, I think.

MARTIN

We’re not even gonna try? Look, we’ve got your lighter; maybe if we just –