Checking Out
[CLICK]
[A HARSH WIND BLOWS AS FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL APPROACH]
[THE ARCHIVIST SIGHS]
[A TANNOY CRACKLES INTO LIFE PLAYING HOTEL MUZAK BEHIND HELEN’S WORDS COMING OVER THE SPEAKER]
HELEN
So are you going to knock or what?
ARCHIVIST
Perhaps I was just enjoying a quiet moment before you arrived.
HELEN
Yeah… Bit rude to do it on my doorstep, though, isn’t it?
ARCHIVIST
Perhaps. My apologies.
HELEN
So, where’s the old ball and chain? Surely you’re not paying me a visit on your lonesome?
ARCHIVIST
I am.
[DEEP INTAKE OF BREATH]
You gambled right.
HELEN
I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.
ARCHIVIST
You hoped that by nudging us past his domain, Martin would still be there when I arrived… so I would have to pass through on my own. Apparently, you were right.
HELEN
I thought you said you weren’t going to look inside people’s heads?
ARCHIVIST
I thought you said you weren’t people.
HELEN
Touché.
ARCHIVIST
Well, for what it’s worth, I have tried not to look inside you.
HELEN
Oh yes?
ARCHIVIST
I maybe glimpse a motive, sometimes, but I try not to stare.
HELEN
I’m touched. Any particular reason for this monumental restraint?
ARCHIVIST
The same reason you don’t want Martin here. I wasn’t sure I wanted to kill you, and… you don’t want to die.
HELEN
…
He’s still so new to all of this, caught up in ideas of justice and ‘solving’ things. Sure, he can wave away the theoretical idea of people suffering…
ARCHIVIST
But if he sees it up close, he might try to get his boyfriend to smite you?
HELEN
Something like that. We’ve built up such a rapport, he and I. I’d hate to strain it over such a temporary disagreement. I’m just concerned for his happiness, you understand.
ARCHIVIST
Completely.
HELEN
I am a little bit surprised you didn’t follow him?
ARCHIVIST
He didn’t want me to.
I didn’t need special powers to know that. When he crossed the threshold I had to make a choice, and –
HELEN
– and you chose me.
ARCHIVIST
Let’s say you were something of a branching path.
HELEN
Hm. Always the flatterer.
So, when is he coming out the other side?
ARCHIVIST
It might take a while.
HELEN
Mmm, yeah, these quiet reflective domains sometimes do. Ah well, more time for us to hang out, I suppose. Shoot the breeze, share some hot goss…
ARCHIVIST
Excuse me while I try to contain my joy.
HELEN
You are excused. So…
[A DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
…are you coming?
ARCHIVIST
I thought we agreed I’m far too all-powerful to cross your threshold?
HELEN
Don’t flatter yourself. This isn’t some extension, some limb reaching out to snatch the wayward or the trusting. This domain, this magnificent building, is me.
[HELEN STRETCHES AND SIGHS CONTENTEDLY AS THE BUILDING DOES LIKEWISE]
You’re welcome here. We’ll be quite safe with you travelling through me. As long as neither of us does anything silly.
[STATIC CRACKLE FROM THE ARCHIVIST]
Or you could just stand there glowering. That’s fine too.
ARCHIVIST
I’m trying to ‘know’ if there’s another route I can take.
HELEN
And?
ARCHIVIST
Turns out there is, actually. But it is rather full of spiders.
[STATIC FADES AND FOOTSTEPS START WALKING AWAY]
HELEN
Oh, don’t be such a sourpuss.
[FOOTSTEPS STOP, FOLLOWED BY A SIGH]
It’ll be fun. I promise.
[AN EVEN HEAVIER SIGH FOLLOWS]
ARCHIVIST
Alright.
[FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL UNTIL THE ARCHIVIST CROSSES HELEN’S THRESHOLD, AND THE DOOR CREAKS SHUT EERILY]
[THE PIANO MUZAK CONTINUES AS HE ENTERS A HOTEL CORRIDOR. HELEN’S VOICE COMES FROM ALL AROUND]
HELEN
Oooh! [Shudders] It feels different… to last time.
ARCHIVIST
Different how?
HELEN
The tape recorder feels more, um… awake.
ARCHIVIST
Oh. Oh, joy. Come on.
[STATIC RISES AGAIN AS HIS FOOTSTEPS START]
[HELEN REACTS AS IF HAVING EATEN SOMEONE FOUL]
HELEN
Ooh… Eeeeeeurgh!
ARCHIVIST
What?
HELEN
Eurgh. You just – blergh… You just knew the way through, well, me. And, eurgh, it’s not a pleasant feeling. No. I do not like that. Not at all.
ARCHIVIST
Well, tough. I’m not going to trust you to be my guide.
HELEN
[Exasperated] Would it kill you?
ARCHIVIST
It’s killed plenty of others.
[THE ARCHIVIST CONTINUES WALKING AS HOTEL SOUNDS ECHO AROUND]
[THE BUILDING CREAKS AS HELEN’S VOICE CHANGES RESONANCE AGAIN]
HELEN
You really don’t like me, do you?
ARCHIVIST
No.
HELEN
And you never have.
ARCHIVIST
Not really.
HELEN
Even though I saved you from Michael.
ARCHIVIST
You were Michael.
HELEN
Argh. I’m The Distortion, as was Michael, but I am not him, and never have been. Surely you know all this by now, what with your shiny new eye powers?
ARCHIVIST
It’s not about what I know. It’s about what I feel.
HELEN
[Disparagingly] Oh, what do you feel?
ARCHIVIST
I liked Helen.
HELEN
I am Helen.
ARCHIVIST
The real one.
HELEN
…
Helen-Classic.
ARCHIVIST
Sure.
HELEN
But that doesn’t make any sense. You barely met her. You had half an hour together, and she spent most of that ranting about mazes! She was positively delirious with paranoia!
ARCHIVIST
True. But as you’ll recall, I was pretty paranoid myself at that point.
HELEN
So what? You saw yourself in her? A sad reflection? A possible future?
ARCHIVIST
Maybe.
HELEN
Oh, John! This existence can be wonderful, if you just let it.
ARCHIVIST
[Sadly] I know.
[HE CONTINUES TO WALK]
HELEN
For what it’s worth, I really don’t think you would have liked her. If you’d known her better, I mean.
ARCHIVIST
No?
HELEN
You haven’t looked into Helen-Classic’s past yet? You should try it. I don’t think you’ll like what you find.
ARCHIVIST
What? Lying to real estate clients? Bit of a prick at parties? Secret Tory?
HELEN
Yes.
To all of them, actually.
ARCHIVIST
And that’s the problem. I could have grown to dislike her, but… you made sure that sort of thing could never happen. Now you use her form, see her mind, but they’re just… tools. Michael had nothing you could use but a razor-straight desire for vengeance, but you saw something in Helen that would work on me much more subtly. So you took her. And I’ll never get to dislike her.
I’m stuck disliking you instead.
HELEN
At least I care enough to bother.
ARCHIVIST
That’s true, I suppose.
[THE KNOWING STATIC RISES AGAIN]
HELEN
Oh. Blergh. Please stop doing that.
ARCHIVIST
I’ll stop doing it when I’m confident you’re taking me the right way.
HELEN
I am!
[STATIC FADES]
ARCHIVIST
The quickest way.
HELEN
Eurgh. Fine.
[THE CORRIDOORS SHIFT IN CRUNCHING WOOD AND BRICK]
[A DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
ARCHIVIST
So tell me. Why are we going the long way? You just trying to keep me from meeting any victims? Or are you trying to figure out if there’s still a way you can destroy me?
HELEN
…
A bit of both, to be honest.
ARCHIVIST
I see. How long have you been working with Elias?
HELEN
I’m not.
ARCHIVIST
[Faux-shocked] Helen! Is that… a lie?
HELEN
No! No, it’s not. I don’t know him. I’ve never even – Look, I’m happy here, all right? This world is fabulous, and I don’t want you to end it all because you’ve got a chip on your shoulder.
ARCHIVIST
So you think I can turn the world back?
HELEN
I think you’re bloody minded and stubborn, and I won’t underestimate you.
ARCHIVIST
Thank you.
HELEN
And for all his bleeding heart, Martin’s just as bad. Worse, even, in some ways.
ARCHIVIST
[Fondly] Yes, he is.
HELEN
You are so difficult to like sometimes. I’ve been nothing but nice to you.
ARCHIVIST
Maybe that’s why I never trusted you.
HELEN
See? So rude.
ARCHIVIST
Or maybe it’s because you’re an embodiment of the fear of lies and delusion.
HELEN
Also rude.
[THE ARCHIVIST MAKES A SMALL NOISE OF DISCOMFORT]
ARCHIVIST
Could you, uh… sorry, could you manifest a room for me? Please.
HELEN
Why?
ARCHIVIST
So I can make a statement?
HELEN
You do realise it’s all me, right? If I make a room, I’ll still hear you? Because I’d be the room?
ARCHIVIST
Fine, I just thought – never mind.
[DEEP BREATH AS STATIC RISES]
[HOTEL SOUNDS NOW INCLUDE FAINT PEOPLE SOUNDS AS WELL, AND THE UNDERLYING SOUNDS OF RAGGED, HURRIED BREATHS]
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)
I wander through the corridors, quickly, footsteps hurrying, spurred on by the worries that chase me. What were the directions she’d said, that smiling, friendly woman in reception? Left, right, right, right, left, straight ahead, then down the stairs. No, no, no, that can’t be it because I just went left and it’s a dead end. Well, not a dead end. It’s a door that says ‘Honeymoon Suite’.
HELEN
[Saucy] Currently unoccupied…
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)
I turn to retrace my steps. I must have taken a wrong turn.
HELEN
Just in case you and Martin were looking for a room.
[DOOR KNOCKING AND RATTLING SOUNDS NOW INTERSPERSE THE STATEMENT]
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)
How long… How long has Alex been alone now? On his own? Hours at least. And he’s only… Four? Five? It doesn’t matter, all that matters is I can picture his face, and he’s alone and scared without me. How could I leave my son alone in a place like this? How could I do it?
HELEN
Deadbeat mum. Classic.
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)
None of the doors have numbers on them, no way to know if they’re mine, even if I hadn’t lost my keys. I, I bang on each in turn and shout his name. I try the handles even though my palms ache from the blisters. Wait, blisters? How many doors have I tried?
HELEN
[Faux-concern] Oh, I’m sure it’ll be the next one.
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)
A flash of movement up ahead. It’s a woman. Do I… recognise her? She looks so friendly, with her wide, happy smile and her cheery voice. I tell her I need to find my son, I… I need to check out. Of course, of course, she tells me. She can help. She’d love nothing more than to help me, although she does hate to see me check out, it’s always so hard on her when guests leave.
HELEN
I like her!
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)
She takes me by the arm and leads me down a narrow service staircase. As we near the bottom I hear a distant cry. Alex. I start to run, but she says no need to rush. Check-out lasts all day. That’s good to know. My arm is bleeding… When did I cut it? It’s okay, she has some bandages. I’m so lucky she’s here.
She bandages my arm, and it starts to bleed even more. Something’s wrong here. There’s something behind her smile. I look away. The dull blue paint of the staircase is gone but… I recognise the wallpaper… Where have I seen this wallpaper before?
HELEN
Nowhere special.
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)
The corridor? I’m – No, we were on the stairs. Did we leave? No this isn’t right, it isn’t fair. I’ve got to – Wait, where is she? She was lying. Was she? She led me here, but now she’s gone and I’m… I’m so tired. When did I sleep last? No, I-I can’t sleep, I’ve got to find my son. Just keep moving, there’s only so many rooms. He has to be in one of them. Just push on, even if you have to check them all.
Ignore the blood you’re dripping on the carpet. Ignore the mirrors that try to tell you how haggard you’re growing. Ignore the laughter and the smiling and the chatter that has followed you since the reception. When did you go to reception? You can’t picture it.
HELEN
Shame, it’s very tasteful. There’s ferns.
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)
Wait. What is that? That sound. It’s… It’s not her, not just her. There’s someone else. A man’s voice, you think. Droning on, and rising and falling as he talks and talks and talks…
[STATIC RISES AGAIN]
HELEN
Ah… Ah.
ARCHIVIST (STATEMENT)
Up there, just around the corner. I can hear them. I can hear them. There!
VICTIM
Oh, oh thank god! Please, do you know where room 288 is? I… My son, he’s, I don’t know how long he’s been in there on his own, and I need to find him –
ARCHIVIST
Look, I’m so sorry. But… there is no room 288.
VICTIM
But my son!
[HELEN MANIFESTS, SMILINGLY]
HELEN
– Is around here somewhere. Come on, let’s have a look together!
VICTIM
Oh, brilliant, oh thank you, thank you so much!
HELEN
Now, where did you see him last?
VICTIM
Uh, okay. It was… it was room… wait, wait hang on.
ARCHIVIST
She’s lying to you. She isn’t your friend.
VICTIM
I… wait. I, I know you. You’re that woman from reception.
HELEN
John, this isn’t your business.
VICTIM
You were laughing! You were laughing when I got lost.
HELEN
Listen, John, I don’t come up and tell you how to pull horror from people’s brains, do I?
[THE VICTIM IS TALKED OVER AS HELEN AND THE ARCHIVIST ARGUE]
VICTIM
Please, please, I need… I need some directions.
ARCHIVIST
You do, a bit, actually, yes.
VICTIM
This place, it’s such a maze…
HELEN
Well, okay, that’s… that’s fair.
VICTIM
I don’t know how long I’ve been here.
ARCHIVIST
Look. I’m so sorry –
VICTIM
You’ve got to help me!
ARCHIVIST
[Angrily] Don’t touch me!
[THE ARCHIVIST PULLS AWAY, AS THE VICTIM FALLS AND IS CRYING]
HELEN
Oopsie. Not so easy, is it? Keeping up your humanity?
VICTIM
[Pleadingly] I’m sorry… It’s just my son…
ARCHIVIST
I could make her an avatar.
HELEN
Huh…
[THE CORRIDOORS SHIFT]
Hmmm. Best not.
[A DOOR SLAMS. ONE LAST CRY FROM THE VICTIM AS SHE VANISHES, ALONG WITH HELEN]
ARCHIVIST
Sending her away? I must have hit a nerve.
[HELEN’S VOICE RETURNS TO BEING EVERYWHERE]
HELEN
Got on my nerves. Not the same thing.
ARCHIVIST
If you say so.
HELEN
…
So, what happens now?
ARCHIVIST
You mean, did the sight of a poor, innocent wretch suffering by your hand convince me that you need to be destroyed?
HELEN
Pretty much.
ARCHIVIST
No.
You were right. It probably was something that would have convinced Martin it needed to be done.
HELEN
But…
ARCHIVIST
But I already knew what I would see in here. I already knew what I had to do.
HELEN
Because you’ve grown so fond of your old pal Helen? Or because… you were already going to destroy me?
…
I see.
ARCHIVIST
I was hoping I was wrong about you.
HELEN
You’ve always known what I am.
ARCHIVIST
Yes. But I’m only recently realising just how dangerous you are.
HELEN
Of course I’m dangerous, John. I’m a monster, just like you. and you can’t kill all of us.
ARCHIVIST
No. You’re dangerous because for all the torture and cruelty, you still somehow got us to think you’re our friend.
HELEN
I am your friend.
ARCHIVIST
No. You’re not. That’s just what you distort. It’s why you spin, but you never quite lie. The corridors, the warped body, it’s all just set dressing, isn’t it? It’s not the reality of what you actually are.
HELEN
And what, actually, am I?
ARCHIVIST
You’re a question.
HELEN
“What lurks behind the door?”
ARCHIVIST
To some. But that would be The Stranger or The Dark. No, you are the question of “What lurks behind a smile?” Is a friendship true, or is it reaching out with hands that cut you?
HELEN
Oh, I see. Very good.
ARCHIVIST
Even I didn’t see it properly, not at first. Not until the tunnels, when you wouldn’t help. When you laughed.
HELEN
Oh, come on. That wasn’t a deception, that was barely a betrayal!
ARCHIVIST
You worked to hurt us and help us, all with the same smile, until we can barely tell one from the other. Keeping us off-balance, constantly second-guessing our own opinions of you. Never quite crossing a line we could never forgive, but never putting yourself on the line either. And when one face finally stopped smiling, you just changed the face.
HELEN
Fine. So if that’s all true… why? Why would I do any of that? What’s my actual motive?
ARCHIVIST
I don’t think you even have one. It’s just what you are.
HELEN
Oh, well done. Very poetic.
ARCHIVIST
But none of that actually matters. What matters is that you want the world to stay as it is. And I don’t know if we can change it back, but if there is any possibility, you will try and stop us. And when you do, I can’t think of anyone more dangerous.
HELEN
Oh, give over! You’re the most powerful thing in the world. [Placatingly] What could I possibly do?
ARCHIVIST
It’s not me I’m worried about.
HELEN
Eurgh, fine. I thought this might happen.
ARCHIVIST
Ceaseless Watch– aargh!
[CREAKING AS THE CORRIDOORS FLEX AND CONSTRICT]
HELEN
Want to try that again?
ARCHIVIST
Ceasel–
[MORE FLEXING]
HELEN
[Darkly] You are inside my domain now, Archivist. I can shift any part of myself to any corner of this wonderful hell you have built for us. By the time the Eye focuses on me, I’m already somewhere new, something new.
[DOORS OPEN]
ARCHIVIST
Ceaseless –
[ANOTHING WARNING SHIFT]
HELEN
Whoopsie!
ARCHIVIST
You can’t do this forever!
HELEN
In this brave new world? I’m afraid I very much can.
ARCHIVIST
You can’t kill me, though. You’re just stalling.
HELEN
True. But hopefully I can stall long enough that any of your little gang that can die, have done so. By the time I let you out, you’ll have nobody else.
ARCHIVIST
…
I will end you.
[SILENCE BUT FOR SOME CREAKING]
What, nothing? No smirk? A laugh? I’ve got you rattled.
HELEN
I’m not scared of you.
ARCHIVIST
Helen… Was that… a lie?
HELEN
[Too quickly] No!
ARCHIVIST
A lie. A genuine untruth. Like a little bit of loose thread, flitting in the breeze.
HELEN
Fine. You can go.
[SHIFTING, AND A NEW DOOR OPENS]
There’s the door. Just go!
ARCHIVIST
Ceaseless Watcher!
HELEN
No!
[THROUGH THE INCANTATION, THE HARSH BUZZ OF STATIC MINGLES WITH CREAKING WOODWORK AND CRUMBLING CRICK]
ARCHIVIST
See this lie, this golden strand of falsehood. Take it in your gaze and pull it, follow through its curves and twists and knots as it unravels all before you.
HELEN (BACKGROUND)
No. No! No! No, Archivist! Stop! John, it’s me, it’s Helen. It’s me. I’ve always been your friend. Don’t do this to me. I have always helped you. I have always helped you and lent you doors. Think of all that I have done for you. If you do this, everyone inside me is dead!
ARCHIVIST
Unweave it now, its fear and its falsehood, its hidden teeth and the ones it wears so proudly.
HELEN (BACKGROUND)
You’re no different – You are no different from me! You can’t save anyone!
ARCHIVIST
Take all that it is and all that it has. It is yours!
HELEN
No! NOOOOOO!
[HELEN’S VOICE IS STRETCHED AND VANISHED]
[EXTENDED SOUNDS OF DISTORTED DEMOLITION]
ARCHIVIST
Urgh!
[A STRANGE SOUND RINGS OUT AS THE ARCHIVIST REAPPEARS IN THE WASTELAND]
MARTIN
Christ, John!
ARCHIVIST
[Groggy] Oh, Martin! Good.
MARTIN
Wh– Wh-wh-what… What happened? Th-th-there was the hotel and then…
ARCHIVIST
I, um… I killed Helen.
MARTIN
Oh.
Why?
ARCHIVIST
Long story. Ish. I’ll explain later.
MARTIN
Alright. And you couldn’t wait until you were outside?
ARCHIVIST
Not really.
MARTIN
Fair enough.
ARCHIVIST
How are you? How was… your domain?
MARTIN
Oh. Well. I mean, it feels sort of underwhelming now, to be honest. Er, more of a gentle journey of self-discovery, really. I-I didn’t realise I’m quite so… argumentative.
ARCHIVIST
I mean…
MARTIN
Y-y-you don’t need to comment.
ARCHIVIST
Alright.
MARTIN
So…
Helen’s gone, then?
ARCHIVIST
Yeah.
[FOOTSTEPS SQUELCH AS THEY PICK THEIR WAY FORWARD]
MARTIN
Damn.
ARCHIVIST
Yeah.
MARTIN
Time to mourn?
ARCHIVIST
You can if you want.
…
Do you? Want to mourn?
MARTIN
…
A bit, I guess. I-I mean, she was our friend. Sort of. A bit. Until you killed her. Which I’m sure you had to do.
ARCHIVIST
Take some time if you need. But not too long.
MARTIN
Why the sudden rush?
ARCHIVIST
You see that over there?
MARTIN
Yeah?
ARCHIVIST
That’s London.