[CLICK]
ALEX NEWELL
– We can use “nondescript” for normal-looking… Again, I’ve never known anyone to say the word “nondescript” in conversation.
FAY ROBERTS
[forebodingly] You would.
[ALEX SNORTS]
FAY ROBERTS
I might.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
But normal people might not…
IAN HAYLES
Not “normal people,” people who aren’t in this room.
ALEX NEWELL
I’ve done a lot of research to normals, and apparently –
[LAUGHTER]
FRANCESCA REID
This is how they converse?
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
PAUL SIMS
Uh…
SUE SIMS
[overlapping, dramatically] – But when the blast of war –1
PAUL SIMS
…is this a dagger that I see before me?2
ALEX NEWELL
[overlapping] Excellent.
PAUL SIMS
It’s –
SUE SIMS
[overlapping, matter-of-factly] – no, it’s me.
PAUL SIMS
[calmly] Okay.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[FROM EPISODE 117, ‘TESTAMENT’:]
LYDIA NICHOLAS / MELANIE
I’ll play it their way for now. But, [stomach growling] when it comes down to it –
ALEX NEWELL
Sorry, got your stomach.
LYDIA NICHOLAS
– my stomach! I’m really hungry, Alex! Look, it’s a growl – it’s atmospheric, it won’t foul the –
ALEX NEWELL
It sounds like a creaking ship.
[LAUGHTER]
It was like a ship in a storm. [wood-creaking noises]
LYDIA NICHOLAS
Look, mate, I’m hungry all the time. – should I just go away, get chips, and come back?
ALEX NEWELL
No, you’re alright.
LYDIA NICHOLAS
You say that.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[FROM EPISODE 114, ‘CRACKED FOUNDATION’:]
JONNY SIMS / ARCHIVIST
Now, uh, if you’ll excuse me.
MIKE LEBEAU / TIM
Oh, uh, uh, right –
JONNY SIMS / ARCHIVIST
Yes, well, you’re not the only one that knows his way around the tunnels.
ALEX NEWELL
And we have the eternal question: face-to-face, or butt-to-butt?
JONNY SIMS
Yup, yup, yup.
MIKE LEBEAU
[overlapping] [laughs] Yeah, there’s some – it’s gonna have to happen!
ALEX NEWELL
Okay, we’re gonna do another take, I need something to cut across…
JONNY SIMS
Yep.
MIKE LEBEAU
Okay.
ALEX NEWELL
Ummm…
JONNY SIMS
[quietly, directly into microphone] Butt to butt.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[FROM EPISODE 114, ‘CRACKED FOUNDATION’:]
JONNY SIMS / ARCHIVIST
I would like to hear how you’ve been doing.
MIKE LEBEAU / TIM
Me? Oh, I’ve been just fine. I’ll see you later.
JONNY SIMS / ARCHIVIST
You’re sure? You’ve not not – There is nothing you want to say to me.
MIKE LEBEAU / TIM
Not with that thong –
[LAUGHTER]
MIKE LEBEAU
Not with that thong on!
JONNY SIMS
Wooooow.
ALEX NEWELL
Put your pants on and we’ll talk!
MIKE LEBEAU
Well, there is a reason to believe that the Archivist conversations are always done naked, but I think I’ve just proved it.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[FROM EPISODE 114, ‘CRACKED FOUNDATION’:]
ALEX NEWELL
Go from top; also, for the “all clear,” could you do this one – louder? I don’t know –
FRANK VOSS
I don’t know why, but you said “louder” and in my head I was like – “higher pitched?!”
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX NEWELL AND JONNY SIMS
[falsetto] “All clear?”
FRANK VOSS
Basically.
ALEX NEWELL
[falsetto] It’s me, Terrence, the very small air-raid warden!
[LAUGHTER]
FAY ROBERTS
…the fuck…?
JONNY SIMS
…anyway…
[ALEX IS STILL LAUGHING]
FAY ROBERTS
We don’t do well with the heat, here.
JONNY SIMS
Oh, we have fun.
ALEX NEWELL
Um, so yeah, if you can go, uh, louder with it –
JONNY SIMS
Editor’s Note: We’re having a great time.
FRANK VOSS
Yeah!
FAY ROBERTS
[goofy voice] Mm, it’s so warm.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX NEWELL
Go a little bit higher.
MIKE LEBEAU
[falsetto] “Good!” [snort] [more-normal] “Good. Good!”
ALEX NEWELL
– the moment you’re going, [lower] “Good,” it should be [higher] “Good!” “Good!”
MIKE LEBEAU
[overlapping] “Good!” All right.
ALEX NEWELL
“Good!”, you fffucking dickhead.
MIKE LEBEAU
[overlapping] Fucking… Fuck you! Ran away from me, just like my dad!
ALEX NEWELL
[wailing] I loved you!
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY SIMS
How’s the plane?
ALEX NEWELL
Still going by.
MIKE LEBEAU
What is it, is it a jet, or is it a propjet?
[PAUSE]
ALEX NEWELL
Twin-turbine.
MIKE LEBEAU
Really. [laugh] Amazing!
ALEX NEWELL
I should have done – I’d’ve been amazing on a submarine! Got…
[MIKE LAUGHS]
JONNY SIMS
[quietly] Okay…
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX NEWELL
Ben and – Zim, sorry, can you talk amongst yourselves for a second?
BEN MEREDITH
[rapid monotone] I am talking to you like a normal human being.
FRANK VOSS
[rapid monotone] Yes. This is a conversation that normal human beings would have.
BEN MEREDITH
[rapid monotone] Excellent. Yes.
FRANK VOSS
[overlapping, rapid monotone] Fantastic.
[THEY LAUGH AT THEIR OWN HUMANITY]
ALEX NEWELL
– and now I’ve gone too far the other way – again – that was golden, by the way, that’s exactly what I need.
[ALEX AND FRANK LAUGH]
BEN MEREDITH
That’s official: This is what Alex thinks human interaction looks like.
FRANK VOSS
I mean, it makes sense, he grew up on a farm.
BEN MEREDITH
That’s how you talk to sheep, I hear.
FRANK VOSS
Yes.
[FRANK AND BEN LAUGH]
ALEX NEWELL
– who’s on mic four…?
FAY ROBERTS
Uh, that would be me.
ALEX NEWELL
‘kay, can all three of you have a human interaction, now?
FAY ROBERTS
I… I’m not sure I really want to, if I’m honest.
FRANK VOSS
I mean, it’s very simple, you just, you know – you say, “hello, I’m a human,” and, uh…
BEN MEREDITH
You just –
FAY ROBERTS
[overlapping] [earnestly] Really? “H-h-hello, I’m a human…?” Like that?
BEN MEREDITH
[rapid monotone] Exactly, yes, that was very convincing, I am also a human, hello.
FAY ROBERTS
I feel convinced.
FRANK VOSS
[rapid monotone] Yes, I, three, am human.
BEN MEREDITH
[monotone] I am continuing to talk like a human.
ALEX NEWELL
[snort] Okay.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SUE SIMS
[solemnly] Mary had a little lamb. Mary had a little lamb. One-two-one-two. Can you hear me, Mother?
[LAUGHTER]
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ALEX NEWELL
Okay, let’s go again from top.
JONNY SIMS
Uh-huh…
ALEX NEWELL
Ben: you crept closer and closer and closer…
BEN MEREDITH
Well, damn…!
JONNY SIMS
[squeaky voice, apparently mimicking Alex] To the mic…!
ALEX NEWELL
You’re a good villain! You know, a good villain needs to make love to the microphone…!
[LAUGHTER, OVERLAPPING]
ALEX NEWELL
But, uh, [femme fatale voice] you’re kind of getting all up in my grill, Ben…
BEN MEREDITH
[overlapping] [femme fatale voice] Sure, yeah…
ALEX NEWELL
…You’re getting all up into my pop filters, Ben.
Um…
JONNY SIMS
[villainous] Make love to the microphone – make hate to the audience!
BEN MEREDITH
I’m just very intimate with Beholding.