MAG176.06

MAG Bloopers - Totally Normal Real Humans

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ALEX NEWELL

– We can use “nondescript” for normal-looking… Again, I’ve never known anyone to say the word “nondescript” in conversation.

FAY ROBERTS

[forebodingly] You would.

[ALEX SNORTS]

FAY ROBERTS

I might.

[ALEX LAUGHS]

But normal people might not…

IAN HAYLES

Not “normal people,” people who aren’t in this room.

ALEX NEWELL

I’ve done a lot of research to normals, and apparently –

[LAUGHTER]

FRANCESCA REID

This is how they converse?

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PAUL SIMS

Uh…

SUE SIMS

[overlapping, dramatically] – But when the blast of war –1

PAUL SIMS

…is this a dagger that I see before me?2

ALEX NEWELL

[overlapping] Excellent.

PAUL SIMS

It’s –

SUE SIMS

[overlapping, matter-of-factly] – no, it’s me.

PAUL SIMS

[calmly] Okay.

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[FROM EPISODE 117, ‘TESTAMENT’:]

LYDIA NICHOLAS / MELANIE

I’ll play it their way for now. But, [stomach growling] when it comes down to it –

ALEX NEWELL

Sorry, got your stomach.

LYDIA NICHOLAS

– my stomach! I’m really hungry, Alex! Look, it’s a growl – it’s atmospheric, it won’t foul the –

ALEX NEWELL

It sounds like a creaking ship.

[LAUGHTER]

It was like a ship in a storm. [wood-creaking noises]

LYDIA NICHOLAS

Look, mate, I’m hungry all the time. – should I just go away, get chips, and come back?

ALEX NEWELL

No, you’re alright.

LYDIA NICHOLAS

You say that.

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[FROM EPISODE 114, ‘CRACKED FOUNDATION’:]

JONNY SIMS / ARCHIVIST

Now, uh, if you’ll excuse me.

MIKE LEBEAU / TIM

Oh, uh, uh, right –

JONNY SIMS / ARCHIVIST

Yes, well, you’re not the only one that knows his way around the tunnels.

ALEX NEWELL

And we have the eternal question: face-to-face, or butt-to-butt?

JONNY SIMS

Yup, yup, yup.

MIKE LEBEAU

[overlapping] [laughs] Yeah, there’s some – it’s gonna have to happen!

ALEX NEWELL

Okay, we’re gonna do another take, I need something to cut across…

JONNY SIMS

Yep.

MIKE LEBEAU

Okay.

ALEX NEWELL

Ummm…

JONNY SIMS

[quietly, directly into microphone] Butt to butt.

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[FROM EPISODE 114, ‘CRACKED FOUNDATION’:]

JONNY SIMS / ARCHIVIST

I would like to hear how you’ve been doing.

MIKE LEBEAU / TIM

Me? Oh, I’ve been just fine. I’ll see you later.

JONNY SIMS / ARCHIVIST

You’re sure? You’ve not not – There is nothing you want to say to me.

MIKE LEBEAU / TIM

Not with that thong

[LAUGHTER]

MIKE LEBEAU

Not with that thong on!

JONNY SIMS

Wooooow.

ALEX NEWELL

Put your pants on and we’ll talk!

MIKE LEBEAU

Well, there is a reason to believe that the Archivist conversations are always done naked, but I think I’ve just proved it.

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[FROM EPISODE 114, ‘CRACKED FOUNDATION’:]

ALEX NEWELL

Go from top; also, for the “all clear,” could you do this one – louder? I don’t know –

FRANK VOSS

I don’t know why, but you said “louder” and in my head I was like – “higher pitched?!”

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX NEWELL AND JONNY SIMS

[falsetto] “All clear?”

FRANK VOSS

Basically.

ALEX NEWELL

[falsetto] It’s me, Terrence, the very small air-raid warden!

[LAUGHTER]

FAY ROBERTS

…the fuck…?

JONNY SIMS

…anyway…

[ALEX IS STILL LAUGHING]

FAY ROBERTS

We don’t do well with the heat, here.

JONNY SIMS

Oh, we have fun.

ALEX NEWELL

Um, so yeah, if you can go, uh, louder with it –

JONNY SIMS

Editor’s Note: We’re having a great time.

FRANK VOSS

Yeah!

FAY ROBERTS

[goofy voice] Mm, it’s so warm.

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ALEX NEWELL

Go a little bit higher.

MIKE LEBEAU

[falsetto] “Good!” [snort] [more-normal] “Good. Good!”

ALEX NEWELL

– the moment you’re going, [lower] “Good,” it should be [higher] “Good!” “Good!”

MIKE LEBEAU

[overlapping] “Good!” All right.

ALEX NEWELL

“Good!”, you fffucking dickhead.

MIKE LEBEAU

[overlapping] Fucking… Fuck you! Ran away from me, just like my dad!

ALEX NEWELL

[wailing] I loved you!

[LAUGHTER]

JONNY SIMS

How’s the plane?

ALEX NEWELL

Still going by.

MIKE LEBEAU

What is it, is it a jet, or is it a propjet?

[PAUSE]

ALEX NEWELL

Twin-turbine.

MIKE LEBEAU

Really. [laugh] Amazing!

ALEX NEWELL

I should have done – I’d’ve been amazing on a submarine! Got…

[MIKE LAUGHS]

JONNY SIMS

[quietly] Okay…

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ALEX NEWELL

Ben and – Zim, sorry, can you talk amongst yourselves for a second?

BEN MEREDITH

[rapid monotone] I am talking to you like a normal human being.

FRANK VOSS

[rapid monotone] Yes. This is a conversation that normal human beings would have.

BEN MEREDITH

[rapid monotone] Excellent. Yes.

FRANK VOSS

[overlapping, rapid monotone] Fantastic.

[THEY LAUGH AT THEIR OWN HUMANITY]

ALEX NEWELL

– and now I’ve gone too far the other way – again – that was golden, by the way, that’s exactly what I need.

[ALEX AND FRANK LAUGH]

BEN MEREDITH

That’s official: This is what Alex thinks human interaction looks like.

FRANK VOSS

I mean, it makes sense, he grew up on a farm.

BEN MEREDITH

That’s how you talk to sheep, I hear.

FRANK VOSS

Yes.

[FRANK AND BEN LAUGH]

ALEX NEWELL

– who’s on mic four…?

FAY ROBERTS

Uh, that would be me.

ALEX NEWELL

‘kay, can all three of you have a human interaction, now?

FAY ROBERTS

I… I’m not sure I really want to, if I’m honest.

FRANK VOSS

I mean, it’s very simple, you just, you know – you say, “hello, I’m a human,” and, uh…

BEN MEREDITH

You just –

FAY ROBERTS

[overlapping] [earnestly] Really? “H-h-hello, I’m a human…?” Like that?

BEN MEREDITH

[rapid monotone] Exactly, yes, that was very convincing, I am also a human, hello.

FAY ROBERTS

I feel convinced.

FRANK VOSS

[rapid monotone] Yes, I, three, am human.

BEN MEREDITH

[monotone] I am continuing to talk like a human.

ALEX NEWELL

[snort] Okay.

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SUE SIMS

[solemnly] Mary had a little lamb. Mary had a little lamb. One-two-one-two. Can you hear me, Mother?

[LAUGHTER]
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ALEX NEWELL

Okay, let’s go again from top.

JONNY SIMS

Uh-huh…

ALEX NEWELL

Ben: you crept closer and closer and closer…

BEN MEREDITH

Well, damn…!

JONNY SIMS

[squeaky voice, apparently mimicking Alex] To the mic…!

ALEX NEWELL

You’re a good villain! You know, a good villain needs to make love to the microphone…!

[LAUGHTER, OVERLAPPING]

ALEX NEWELL

But, uh, [femme fatale voice] you’re kind of getting all up in my grill, Ben…

BEN MEREDITH

[overlapping] [femme fatale voice] Sure, yeah…

ALEX NEWELL

…You’re getting all up into my pop filters, Ben.

Um…

JONNY SIMS

[villainous] Make love to the microphone – make hate to the audience!

BEN MEREDITH

I’m just very intimate with Beholding.

[ALEX AND BEN LAUGH LOUDLY; OTHERS MAKE LOWER, DISGUSTED NOISES. THERE IS A CLEAR “UGH” FROM FRANK VOSS.]
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  1. Shakespeare’s Henry V, Act 3, Scene 1. From a famous speech by Henry to his troops, which begins “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.” 

  2. Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 1.