Deadlands Special Part 1
[RQG THEME, IN A HELLISHLY CACOPHONOUS MINOR KEY]
JONNY
(ominously) Welcome to Rusty Quill Gaming, Halloween special.
[CHUCKLES]
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
(ominously) It’s pretty spooky.
[ALEX AND BEN LAUGHING]
JONNY
How spooky do you think it is? Multiply that by fear.
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
JONNY
We are going to be doing a two-part Halloween special, this time GMed by me, Jonny Sims, writer/host of The Magnus Archives, and, in my own time, just as big a gaming nerd as Alex.
[ALEX CHUCKLES]
JONNY
And with me, I have…
BRYN
(dark growl) Bryn Monroooe.
JAMES
(cartoon villain) JAMES RRRRROSS.
ALEX
(spooky ghost) Alexander Newall!
BEN
(spooky and operatic) And Ben Merediiiiith!
BRYN
And the entirely silent ghost of Lydia Nicholas!
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
What’s that, Lydia? Messages only we can hear?
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
I’m not saying that on air.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
That’s grotesque.
[LOUDER LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Good lord. All right. Um…
JAMES
I didn’t even realize that was a verb.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Not one we can say on a–
JAMES
No!
JONNY
–family-friendly podcast, James!
JAMES
Oohhhh.
JONNY
So we will not be conveying or repeating anything the ghost of Lydia Nicholas says. But she is here with us… in spirit.
ALL
OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!
JONNY
Right. So. We are going to be playing Deadlands, which is a Western horror. Now, you will notice that in this, the first of the two episodes, it’s significantly more Western. And in the next one… it will be significantly more horror. So if you’re expecting spooks this time, instead try to enjoy… the… (quiet resignation) American accents.
[JAMES SNORTS]
[BRYN LAUGHS]
JONNY
Deadlands is run on the Savage Worlds system. Both the setting and the system are produced by Pinnacle Publishing, who are… they’re just great. They’ve recently actually done a Kickstarter for the latest in the Deadlands plot point campaigns. So. The Savage Worlds system, you have five main attributes: Agility, Smarts, Spirit, Strength, and Vigor. Moving, thinking, feeling, punching, and… getting punched.
ALEX
Can you punch someone in their spirit?
JONNY
Only with words.
ALEX
(disappointed) Ahhhhh.
[BEN CHUCKLES]
JONNY
And then you also have skills, which are under those. Each of them have a die type, from a d4 to a d12. When you need to roll one of them, you roll that die type. If you get a 4 or above, you’ve succeeded. Because you’re all super special snowflakes called Wild Cards…
[ALEX CHUCKLES]
JONNY
…you have a protagonist superpower, which is you get an extra d6 for everything and you take the highest of the two. You do not add them together.
ALEX
It also means that we’ll start to melt by part two of this.
JONNY
Yes.
[BEN CHUCKLES]
JONNY
You also have little poker chips, which you can use to reroll dice. Now, there is quite a complicated combat system. It is fast, but not fast enough for a short two-parter. So for the most part, if there is combat, if monsters are attacking you, I will probably say something like, “Roll your Shooting! Roll your Fighting!” You will do so, and then I will tell you you are dead.
[JAMES LAUGHS]
ALEX
“Make a shoot! Make another shoot!”
JONNY
So anyone listening who is very familiar with the Savage Worlds system, you will probably notice quite quickly that what I’m running is… not the Savage Worlds system. It is entirely a system of my own whimsy.
The year is 1880, and history is not our own. At the battle of Gettysburg, at the height of the Civil War in 1863… something happened. Something went very very wrong. Lots of people say that the dead returned from the grave to feast on their living companions, and that ghosts and spirits and all sorts of demons and monsters emerged to wreak havoc upon the American West. All of that’s obviously nonsense.
ALEX
Totes!
[BEN SNORTS]
JONNY
But…
[ALEX LAUGHING QUIETLY]
JONNY
…for whatever reason, for perfectly normal mundane reasons, the Civil War just happens to have dragged out for about 20 years. It’s currently reached a ceasefire and a stalemate, largely because just so many people are dead. In 1868, California fell into the sea.
[BEN AND ALEX LAUGH]
BEN
As it does!
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
It is now an area called the Great Maze. Which is all sort of… waterways and mazes.
ALEX
I was really really hoping it was, like, M-A-I, and it’s just overgrown and full of wheat.
JONNY
No. No, in fact, there’s a massive famine problem there.
ALEX
Turns out it should’ve been the Great Maize.
BEN
Mmmm.
JAMES
Mmmmm.
ALEX
Foresight.
[BEN SNORTS]
JONNY
Yup. Exactly. And a metaplot shout-out for anyone who knows Deadlands: there is still a massive famine problem because this takes place in the early part of 1880.
BEN
Ooooohh.
JONNY
Yeah. I’m not gonna explain that to any of you.
ALEX
PEOPLE START EATING PEOPLE. That’s the solution to all famines!
JONNY
S–s–s–uh–I mean, like, yes. But, uh…
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
But that doesn’t matter. Point is, in the ruins of California, a new superfuel was discovered!
ALEX
(simult.) Is it also people?
JONNY
(simult.) Called ghost rock!
ALEX
Ahhh.
JONNY
No. No.
[ALEX SIGHS, DISAPPOINTED]
JONNY
(simult.) No, any revelations about–
BRYN
(simult.) It’s ssssssouls.
JONNY
–no, it just screams as though the dead themselves are burning alive, when it’s used, for… science… reasons.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BEN
I love those reasons!
BRYN
To be fair, uranium does the same, it’s just most people don’t encounter it in their daily lives.
[ALEX AND BEN CHUCKLE]
JONNY
So, this has caused a real renaissance in mad science, steampunk mad science. A naissance. ‘Cause… it hasn’t happened before. But there’s lots of steampunk mad science all powered by this superfuel. So anything from steam wagons to ray guns to robots, all brass and cogs and “chhhhhhhhhhhhhhht!” That sort of thing. But! None of that matters to you guys.
BEN
Yaaaaaaay. Or, no?
JONNY
Because you are all, currently, hidden in a small camp, in a valley in Arizona, a long way from any of this.
BEN
Ah.
JONNY
So, you were all in jail. Until very recently. Now, I’m gonna ask everyone to go around and quickly introduce themselves, and their characters. And… listener: I’d like to talk to you for a second about James.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
No, we’ve all been thinking that.
JAMES
I’m sitting right here. Okay?
BEN
Look, we’ve waited 53 episodes–
ALEX
James.
BEN
–without doing that–
ALEX
(simult.) We don’t actu–
BEN
(simult.) –you’ve got through 8 minutes.
ALEX
Turns out the entire Rusty Quill Gaming Podcast was actually just one massive and elaborate intervention, because you’re so afraid of interventions that it took this long to get you here.
JAMES
Thanks?
JONNY
Now–
JAMES
Right. Well…
JONNY
–James is playing a character who was originally conceived and written as Carlos Vasquez, an old Mexican gunslinger. However… James, despite wishing to play this character, has discovered that he cannot do any sort of Mexican accent that could–
JAMES
That’s not quite true. I can’t do one sensitively. So–
JONNY
That–that–I was getting to that.
JAMES
Okay.
JONNY
So…
[BEN CHUCKLES]
JONNY
…the character of Carlos Vasquez, the…
ALEX
(laughing) Will be played by…
JONNY
…grizzled old Mexican gunslinger, is–is now, um… James?
JAMES
(elderly Yorkshire accent) CARL SIDEBOTTOM.
[BEGINNINGS OF LAUGHTER]
JAMES
ELDERLY YORKSHIREMAN.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JAMES
THEY HAVEN’T BUILT A PRISON THAT CAN HOLD ME.
[ALEX LAUGHING QUIETLY]
JAMES
SHOW THEM.
[ALEX LAUGHING LOUDER]
JAMES
ARE YOU MY WIFE?
[BEN LAUGHING]
ALEX
(through laughter) Ohhh, god, James.
JONNY
So, we have an old–
JAMES
OLD AGE IS THE MOST TERRIFYING THING IN THIS PODCAST.
JONNY
We have an old…
[ALEX CHUCKLING]
JONNY
(simult.) …Yorkshire…
JAMES
(simult.) GRIZZLED YORKSHIREMAN.
[ALEX SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT THROUGH LAUGHTER]
JONNY
…gunfighter.
JAMES
Yes. I’VE HAD A HARD LIFE. PLAYED A LOT OF SUDOKUS.
JONNY
You have. You’ve…
JAMES
IT’S TRICKY.
JONNY
…held up a lot of trains.
JAMES
YUP.
[ALEX CHUCKLING]
JONNY
So, continuing around–
JAMES
IT’S NOT MY FAULT, THE DOORS CLOSE TOO QUICKLY!
JONNY
(simult.) Continuing the parade… (laughing) of…
JAMES
(simult.) CAN’T GET THROUGH THEM IN TIME. GOT ME LITTLE (indistinct).
JONNY
…nonsense voices…
JAMES
GETS STUCK.
JONNY
Um…
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JONNY
…Ben?
BEN
Yes?
JONNY
Who will you be playing?
BEN
I will be playing… (high-pitched Brooklyn accent) Cigarillo Lee! Who comes from Brooklyn, ‘cause that’s the only American accent I can do terribly! The other ones I can’t do at all!
[ALEX LAUGHING]
[JAMES LAUGHING]
JONNY
And… who exactly are you?
BEN
(as Cigarillo) Uh, I’m the greatest outlaw this country’s ever seen! I came from Brooklyn to… make my, uh, make my fortune in sunny Arizona! Uh, didn’t go so well, I got held up on my first job.
JONNY
Alex?
ALEX
So I’m (American accent) Nathaniel Fletcher. I am male. I’m not a thief, but if I was a thief, I’d be a really good thief. Um. And I’m extremely attractive. Everyone I… know… tells me so, even if you haven’t heard it, it’s said a lot.
JONNY
And finally, Bryn.
BRYN
(deep Southern accent) My name’s Zeke.
[BEN CHUCKLES QUIETLY]
[ALEX AND JAMES BURST OUT LAUGHING]
JONNY
And I think that says it all, really.
[ALEX AND BEN LAUGHING]
JAMES
He’s a man of few words, and he’s used literally all of them there.
BEN
Yeah.
JAMES
And s–
BEN
Are you like Groot?
BRYN
(as Zeke) You wanna know anything else? You can ask.
BEN
I’m scared to. Also, f–fun little fact I’ve noticed about the character sheet: it’s got a section here which is, “Alive?”
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
We have…
JAMES
(simult.) Where’s this?
BEN
(simult.) …“yes.” Or I assume “no.”
[BRYN CHUCKLES]
JAMES
Oh, yes, it is–
JONNY
Yes! No, these are character sheets of my own design and I felt that they needed to contain all information that could be pertinent…
[BEN LAUGHS]
JONNY
…to the game. So yes, there is a small section that details whether or not you are currently alive.
[BEN CHUCKLES]
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
‘Cause it is important information in Deadlands.
BRYN
I think these are pretty impressive character sheets created by Jonny, and I very much–
JAMES
(agreeing) Mmmm!
BRYN
–enjoy on mine–
ALEX
For ones that you’ve genuinely made on your own–
JAMES
(simult.) Yeah.
BRYN
(simult.) –mine–
ALEX
–it’s impressive.
JONNY
Yeah.
BRYN
–mine says, “Appearance: Like if a barn could say, ‘Eyup.’”
[BEN AND JAMES LAUGH]
ALEX
“Slick hair, slick moustache. Slick everything, really.”
[BRYN SHUDDERS]
[ALEX SHUDDERS]
JAMES
“OLD, GRIZZLED, STUBBLE TO SHARPEN A KNIFE ON.” NOT ON ME FACE, MIND.
BEN
[LAUGHS] And I’m–
[BRYN LAUGHING]
JAMES
WE GOTTA BE CAREFUL. SHAKY HANDS.
BEN
[LAUGHS] I’ve got a “fresh and as-yet-unbeaten face,” which bodes very well for me.
JONNY
(smug) Yes.
ZEKE
You want that–
JONNY
(simult.) Yes it does.
ZEKE
(simult.) –sortin’ out, boy?
CIGARILLO
No thanks, Mister Zeke, sir!
JONNY
So. You were all in jail in Phoenix, Arizona–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Says who?
JONNY
(simult.) –for a variety of–I do. The…
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JONNY
…the… god of the American West. For a variety of crimes. In fact, I will let you detail–what crime were each of you in prison for?
ZEKE
Someone asked too many questions. He didn’t like the answers I gave him.
CARL
OH, THEY CAUGHT ME FOR–FOR ROBBING A TRAIN. MY MISTAKE WAS TRYING TO ROB THE TRAIN ITSELF RATHER THAN THE PASSENGERS.
[BEN CHUCKLES]
CARL
GETTING OLD, I GET A BIT CONFUSED FROM TIME TO TIME.
CIGARILLO
I, uhhh… I tried to, um, uh–knock over a liquor store. Unfortunately, I forgot my gun.
NATHANIEL
I didn’t steal the dress. I had the dress on me? And–and the shop… was changing stock.
JONNY
You were all in prison, until… a… wanted bandit, that… Carl Sidebottom…
[QUIET LAUGHTER]
CARL
THANK YOU.
JONNY
…has worked extensively with before…
CARL
I HAVE?
JONNY
…by the name of Blackjack Bronson.
CARL
BLACKJACK BRONSON.
JONNY
He is neither black, his first name is not Jack. His second name is Bronson, but he just likes the name Blackjack. So, he busted you out, and in the process, the rest of you… got out as well. And you fled, and are now in hiding, in a gorge in Arizona because the rangers are currently looking for you.
JAMES
With Blackjack Bronson? All five of us?
JONNY
Blackjack Bronson is currently out keeping an eye for…
JAMES
He’s the lookout.
JONNY
He’s currently the lookout, yeah–he’s not here. He’s promised you all sorts of banditry. Apparently his previous posse got quite brutally gunned down, during a failed coach robbery.
CARL
SHOULDN’T’VE TRIED ROBBING THE COACH. I MADE THAT MISTAKE. GOTTA ROB THE PASSENGERS.
JONNY
And he’s essentially in the market for a new gang, and you guys are apparently it. So, as it stands, you’re sat around a moldering–moldering?
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BEN
(simult.) That is a bad fire!
JAMES
(simult.) Moldering–moldering fire.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JAMES
It’s a peat fire!
JONNY
(simult.) It’s a disgrace–
JAMES
(simult.) Basically.
JONNY
–[indistinct] sort of thing. Ughh!
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
You’re sat around a smoldering campfire, in… late afternoon. It’s very warm.
CIGARILLO
I, uh, dunno if any of you guys play cards? You know, maybe pass the time a bit? It’s not really dinner. We’ve already had lunch, so…
NATHANIEL
N–uh, yeah, okay. So, um… I found these cards. Um.
CIGARILLO
(simult.) W–those are mine!
NATHANIEL
(simult.) I don’t–don’t know where I f–so, um, what’s the game?
[JAMES AND BRYN LAUGH]
NATHANIEL
I’d play blackjack, but it feels like a… like a misstep… so, I mean… poker? Poker? Poker. Poker? Poker. You look like a poker man.
CARL
VERY WELL. ALL RIGHT. GO ON. DEAL ‘EM OUT, LAD.
JONNY
So if everyone wants to roll me Gambling. That will be your Gambling die, a d6, for your Wild Card.
[MULTIPLE DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
Take the highest, and if you don’t have that skill, it’s a d4 – 2.
JAMES
I’ve managed to roll 1. (laughing) On two dice. I managed to roll 1!
JONNY
You have been swindled, sir!
JAMES
(laughing) Yes!
BEN
5.
CARL
IT’S T–
ALEX
4! [frustrated noise]
JONNY
So, I’m going to say you lose $10.
CARL
NOOO.
JONNY
You gain $2.
ALEX
YEAHHH!
JONNY
And you gain $8.
CIGARILLO
Oh boy!
[ALEX CHUCKLES]
JONNY
So. Night is starting to fall, when, against the skyline, you see a horse and rider approaching.
ALEX
Does it look like Blackjack?
JONNY
It does look like Blackjack.
ALEX
I don’t flee.
[BEN AND ALEX CHUCKLE]
BEN
(laughing) Sensible.
CARL
OHHH, IT’S BLACKJACK, R–YEAH–NO. WELL, WE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS A CRAZY ONE GROWING UP. DANGEROUS YOUNG MAN, WE NEVER THOUGHT HE’D MAKE IT TO 21.
[BRYN STARTS GUFFAWING]
BEN
I mean, I got–
BLACKJACK
Thank you.
BRYN
Ohhh–[laughing]
BLACKJACK
Thank you, Carl, that was…
JAMES
That was way more…
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
Just saying!
BLACKJACK
I will establish, Carl, that I have heard that… mmmmultiple times before.
[JAMES LAUGHS]
BLACKJACK
Every time I break you out of prison.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BLACKJACK
Every time we get a new member of the gang.
CARL
‘CAUSE WE–WELL, THEY HAVEN’T HEARD IT BEFORE. OBVIOUSLY I GOTTA CRACK OUT ME OLD MATERIAL. THAT’S SOLID GOLD, THAT. BANKERS. I DUNNO–TOO SOON? I DUNNO. CARRY ON.
BLACKJACK
Well, I mean, you remember first time we met and I had to explain it to you that, uh… well, you didn’t understand ‘til I called myself Pontoon…
[JAMES AND ALEX LAUGH]
BLACKJACK
…Bronson.
CIGARILLO
Whatta twist!
[JAMES BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
BLACKJACK
(muttering) Oh good lord.
[LAUGHTER]
BLACKJACK
Right.
ZEKE
Seem to have saddled us with a group of comedians.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) And me.
ZEKE
(simult.) Blackjack.
BLACKJACK
Yeah. Well… [clears throat]
ZEKE
What’s the job? I don’t much care for… staying in some hidey-hole like a sniveling coward.
BLACKJACK
Good to hear. Bank job.
ZEKE
Nice.
BLACKJACK
(simult.) Hensley Gorge.
CARL
(simult.) WE’RE ROBBIN’ THE CUSTOMERS, RIGHT?
BLACKJACK
Customers, tellers, vault if we get a chance. ‘Bout 5 miles’ ride to the east. Small town, Hensley Gorge. Been watching a couple of days, sheriff came in two days ago, rode out. Now, if his rounds are the same as normal, shouldn’t be back that way for a while, we should have a good few days’ head start before any sort of posse comes along.
ZEKE
Any deputies around?
BLACKJACK
Not that I could see. Town’s too small for a marshal of its own.
ZEKE
Good, good.
BLACKJACK
Now. Obviously killin’ is not ideal. But, uh, we do what we have to.
CIGARILLO
Well, that sounds easy.
BLACKJACK
Should be. Nice simple job.
CARL
DO WE HAVE THE–THE LAYOUT OF THE BUILDING?
JONNY
He’ll unfurl–they’re not blueprints, but it is… it’s some paper that he’s clearly been sketching the outside of. It looks like–
CARL
(simult.) OOH, YOU’VE DRAWN A LITTLE TREE.
JONNY
(simult.) –a pretty solid–
CARL
THAT’S NICE.
BLACKJACK
Oh, that represents a small copse of trees where we can retreat if necessary, provides moderate cover. It’s not… I didn’t just draw a tree, Carl.
CARL
THERE’S A CHURCH WITH A STEEPLE–[James starting to laugh]
BLACKJACK
That’s ‘cause the church has a steeple.
[BRYN LAUGHING]
CARL
I APPRECIATE THE LEVEL OF EFFORT YOU’VE GONE TO HERE.
[BRYN CHUCKLES]
BLACKJACK
It’s–it’s–it’s important. All right? I mean…
CARL
I AGREE.
[PAUSE]
CARL
WE’RE ON THE SAME P–I MEAN, THERE’S ONLY ONE (laughing) PAGE. WE’RE O–[suppressing laughter]
[ALEX LAUGHING]
BEN
(laughing) Well, James is having fun!
[ALEX AND BEN LAUGHING]
BLACKJACK
(suppressing laughter) Worked as a draftsman back East for… three years, Carl. I know how to draw a church with a steeple.
[JAMES WHEEZING WITH LAUGHTER]
NATHANIEL
So as–as–as fascinating as, um… cartography is, um, there’s this–
BLACKJACK
It’s a noble science.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) I understand.
BLACKJACK
(simult.) Mr. Fletcher.
NATHANIEL
Yes. Science.
CIGARILLO
So have you brought on the ordnance?
BLACKJACK
Uhh…
NATHANIEL
Whoa now, I mean… surely it’s better to sort of…
BLACKJACK
(simult.) Well, you got–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) …sneak…
BLACKJACK
–we got your equipment from, uh…
[BEN STARTS LAUGHING]
CIGARILLO
Bryn gets it!
JONNY
(laughing, face in hands) Oh n–oh, jesus.
BEN
Yeah, ‘cause of _[indistinct]!*
[INDISTINCT CROSSTALK]
JONNY
(face in hands) Oh, jesus, no.
BEN
Ordnance.
JONNY
Ohhhhhh.
[BRYN BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
[JAMES SHOUTS SOMETHING INDISTINCT]
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
YEAAAAAHHHH!
[CONTINUED LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Nooooo.
JAMES
Yes, of course!
[BRYN STILL LAUGHING]
JONNY
We’ve deviated…
[LAUGHTER STARTING TO WIND DOWN]
BRYN
(nearly unintelligible through laughter) I was trying so hard!
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER CONTINUING]
BRYN
(nearly unintelligible through laughter) Not to crack up!
BEN
(laughing) Oh no, I’ve forgotten my audience.
JAMES
It was very good. Yeah.
[BEN LAUGHING]
JAMES
Yeah.
ALEX
(laughing) I’m really sorry, Jonny.
[BRYN STARTS LAUGHING AGAIN]
ALEX
(laughing) I forget what it’s like for normals, trying to…
[BRYN LAUGHING]
ALEX
…corral this.
JONNY
It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine.
BEN
He’s gonna get his catharsis in the second episode. This is–
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BEN
–we’re gonna make it all the more brutal.
JAMES
It’s gonna be so much more fun for him to kill off (laughing) these characters.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
To be fair, I did deliberately design these characters to be characters that neither myself nor the audience would mind getting…
JAMES
(laughing) Could possibly have any attachment to.
JONNY
…horribly mutilated.
JAMES
(simult.) Yeah, cool, will do.
BEN
(simult.) So we’re just helping! It’s…
JAMES
Yeah.
ALEX
There you go! Sorted.
BLACKJACK
I believe you all got your equipment from the prison: guns, weapons, that sort of thing.
NATHANIEL
Um, question? Do we know what happened to the dress? I’m just…
BLACKJACK
The dress.
NATHANIEL
Y–I’m just asking.
BLACKJACK
Oh, the dress you were stealing? Far as I’m aware, it’s still back in Phoenix.
NATHANIEL
Oh, okay.
BLACKJACK
Probably in the dress shop.
NATHANIEL
That’s fine. All right, that’s…
BLACKJACK
With the money from this job you can buy…
ZEKE
As many dresses as you want.
NATHANIEL
That–
BLACKJACK
Not as many dresses–
NATHANIEL
That is–
BLACKJACK
–it depends on the expensiveness–
NATHANIEL
That is–
BLACKJACK
–of his taste.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) That is–that is immaterial to the…
BLACKJACK
(simult.) Have you… looked into–I mean, dresses could cost a lot.
NATHANIEL
I–I think–
CARL
IT DEPENDS A LOT ON THE CUT, AS WELL. I RECKON HE’D LOOK NICE–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) So–so back onto this–
CARL
(simult.) –IN AN A-LINE.
NATHANIEL
–this job that i–that isn’t to do with dresses, um…
BLACKJACK
No.
CIGARILLO
This is maybe like a twenty-dress job. You know?
NATHANIEL
Ok–okay, fine. Sure. So–so, we–we sneak in, we sneak out? I mean… that seems simple enough.
BLACKJACK
To be honest, I ain’t worked with, uh, you all before. I’m a very direct sort of man, when I… commit a crime. What would your preferred method be, then?
NATHANIEL
Well, I mean, I’m… I’m kind of looking here–like you say, you’ve got–you’ve got a copse. I mean, surely it’s easier to just sort of…
JONNY
Could you make me a Notice roll, please, James?
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
4.
JONNY
4. Blackjack seems a little bit more impatient than he normally is. You know that as a standard rule he’d spend… a good couple of days planning a job like this, with the people he was going to do it with. At the moment, he seems to be kind of pressing you to just… go for it.
CARL
YOU ALL RIGHT THERE, BLACKJACK? ARE YOU, UH–YOU SEEM IN A LITTLE BIT OF A RUSH. YOU DON’T WANNA… GO OFF INTO THIS SORT OF THING HALF-COCKED, EH? NORMALLY A–A DEEP PREPARER, HM?
BLACKJACK
I just… [sighs] It’s a really good window of opportunity, as far as I can see.
ZEKE
Gotta get in before the sheriff comes back.
BLACKJACK
Exactly. And, to be honest… I don’t like this area. My boys were killed… not a day’s ride from here, and the sooner we can get out–[sighs]–get further west into California with as much money as we can carry, happier I’m gonna be.
ZEKE
I like a man who’s direct, Jack. I say we go in fast, hard, hit ‘em quick.
NATHANIEL
You’ll–you’ll need a lookout. From the copse. I volunteer for that, I think that would go really well. Um. I–
BLACKJACK
All right.
NATHANIEL
I’ll, you know. Be there.
BLACKJACK
(simult.) You can go in the steeple.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Out of sight.
[JAMES SNICKERS]
[PAUSE]
NATHANIEL
Okay, yeah. Sure, that’s out of sight as well. I’ll go there. I’ll h–I’ll hit the steeple.
CIGARILLO
You wanna borrow my rifle?
NATHANIEL
Not really how I–I mean–I’ll yell. I’ll yell, it’ll be great. They’ll–you’ll know–
CIGARILLO
I wasn’t thinking you were gonna shoot to get attention, more like… shoot a guy? Maybe–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) No, it’s–it’s–
CIGARILLO
(simult.) –in the neck?
NATHANIEL
No, it’s fine, I’ll yell, and then Zeke, you–you’re a strong guy, you can come out…
ZEKE
S–steeple’s–
JONNY
Smash cut! To…
JAMES
Yeah.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
It is night, on a ridge overlooking Hensley Gorge. You can see the squat brick building that is the bank. Could you make me a Stealth roll? Are you going up the steeple?
ALEX
Absolutely yes, it’s as–
JONNY
(simult.) Please make me a Stealth roll…
ALEX
(simult.) –far away from the bank as possible.
JONNY
…to try and…
ALEX
Okay, so…
JONNY
…get into the church…
ALEX
…my Stealth is formidable! So we’ll roll a d8.
BEN
And a d6.
ALEX
And a d6. ‘Cause that’s how the game works!
BEN
That’s how that works.
[DICE ROLLING]
ALEX
Snake eyes!
JONNY
Snake eyes!
BEN
What an auspicious beginning to the heist!
JONNY
Right. So!
[JAMES LAUGHS]
JONNY
The door to the church is not locked. It’s a standard white-board church. If you imagine… a Western church, it’s the picture of that. You open the door, start sneaking. You can see the small staircase leading up to the steeple. Behind you…
VOICE
You come to… hear about the Lord?
[PAUSE]
NATHANIEL
Yes.
PASTOR
You look like a man…
NATHANIEL
Yes I have.
PASTOR
…needs a looooong… long… long talk about the Book of Job.
[JAMES LAUGHING]
[ALEX LAUGHING]
PASTOR
Now, you see, Job…
ZEKE
He’s had enough time to get up to to the steeple. Let’s go.
JONNY
(simult.) Okay.
CIGARILLO
(simult.) Yeah. Seems good.
JONNY
Are you…
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JONNY
…approaching on foot, or…
BRYN
(simult.) Horse.
JONNY
(simult.) …horses? Horse. Yup. You–
JAMES
I’ve got a horse. I j–it should say, on my character sheet, my horse is called El Jefe. I’d like to point out, because it’s Carl Sidebottom…
JONNY
Yes.
JAMES
…this is now called Jeffy. “L. Jeffy” is now my horse.
[BEN LAUGHING]
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
Short for Lawrence Jeffy!
JAMES
Short for Lawrence Jeffy! Exactly!
[BEN CHUCKLES]
BRYN
My horse says, “Big horse.”
[JAMES LAUGHS]
BRYN
Just–
JAMES
I think that should just be his name. I know you’ve got a name there–
BRYN
(simult.) Right. His name–
JAMES
(simult.) –but you could just–
BRYN
His name is Bob.
JAMES
Okay. Lovely.
BRYN
(simult.) I just wanted just to point out–
ALEX
(simult.) Bob the big horse.
BRYN
–that he’s a big horse.
JAMES
He is a big horse.
JONNY
‘Cause you’re a big person. A normal horse would not do so well.
BRYN
No.
[CHUCKLING]
JONNY
So! You ride hard to outside the bank. The door is currently closed, and apparently locked.
ZEKE
Jack? Carl? Cover me.
BRYN
I sling my club over my back, walk up to the doors, and give them a mighty kick.
JONNY
Give me a Strength roll.
JAMES
And at this point Carl puts himself–
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
–like, with wall to the back at the side, ready to go in.
JONNY
Yup. You reroll that 6. I should point out–
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
–all dice, in Deadlands, and Savage Worlds, explode! Which means you roll them again if you get the highest number, not…
ALEX
That’s significantly less exciting–
[INDISTINCT CROSSTALK]
BEN
(simult.) Don’t just combust.
ALEX
(simult.) –than I was hoping for.
BRYN
9.
JONNY
9. Yup. You don’t break the lock, but you do break the door around the lock.
[JAMES LAUGHS]
JONNY
And not the bit of door… the whole door. There’s basically just a lock suspended in an empty space that then cartoonishly falls to the floor. The other side is what looks like a solitary bank worker, currently counting out some piles of money, doing some paperwork. He has stopped, and is looking at you.
ZEKE
Stick ‘em up! Boys?
JONNY
He sticks them up.
BRYN
(simult.) So when I said–
JONNY
(simult.) He does not [indistinct].
BRYN
–“boys,” I gestured for my two companions to come into the room with me.
BEN
Three companions.
BRYN
I’ve forgotten about you.
BEN
Awwwww.
[LAUGHTER]
CIGARILLO
It’s okay, I’m only small!
BRYN
Exactly.
JONNY
So yeah, his hands are well in the air, and you guys enter. You are in the bank. Blackjack strides in behind you.
BLACKJACK
Everything you can. Point us to the vault.
JONNY
And the bank teller sort of points… to a large vault door behind him.
ALEX
(laughing) Presumably an extremely obvious door.
JONNY
Yeah, it’s very obvious.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
You’d think Blackjack would’ve known, but… apparently not. He’s–he’s winging it.
CIGARILLO
Blackjack. Do you… not wanna make him open it?
ZEKE
(startled) Oh! You’re still here.
[JAMES LAUGHS]
CIGARILLO
Well, y–
ZEKE
Do you wa–do you wanna watch the horses, maybe?
CIGARILLO
What? No, I’ve… I’ve… I’ve got this gun?
ZEKE
Oh.
BEN
Holds up a…
ZEKE
That looks a bit big for you, boy.
BEN
Yeah.
[ALEX CHUCKLES]
CIGARILLO
Well, yeah, but… I knows how to shoot it.
JONNY
I should point out that–
CARL
(simult.) IT’S THE PRETTY–
JONNY
(simult.) –Cigarillo Lee–
CARL
–PRETTY STANDARD POINT-AND-CLICK INTERFACE.
JONNY
–Cigarillo Lee has a Sharps Big 50, which is the largest gun in the Deadlands setting. He does not have the strength to use it.
BEN
(agreeing) Nooooo.
BLACKJACK
Carl… go with the teller and make sure that vault gets opened.
CARL
VERY WELL, ALL RIGHT. HERE, YOUNG MAN.
JAMES
Leading the teller along with his rifle drawn, just poking him along with the barrel of it.
TELLER
All right, all right, all right! Just don’t–just don’t–there a-ain’t no–ain’t no cause to be, uh… whereabouts you from?
CARL
WELL… BARNSLEY.
[BRYN AND ALEX BURST OUT LAUGHING]
TELLER
That–that’s the one in Virginia? I dunno…
[JAMES AND BRYN LAUGH]
CARL
BARNSLEY, IDAHO. GO ON, OPEN THE DOOR!
[LAUGHTER]
TELLER
All right all right all right!
JONNY
He’s starting to open the vault. Are you going to go and check on the horses, then?
BEN
Is Zeke still looking at me?
BRYN
No, I’ve started bagging up the notes on the counter.
BEN
No, I’m kind of… hovering around the front door. Kind of like, I could go see the horses, but I’m not gonna.
JONNY
Okay.
PASTOR
And at this point… Job… found himself…
NATHANIEL
So, uh, F–Father–
PASTOR
(simult.) …engaged in the sixth of the tests.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Father. Father. Fa–Father.
[BRYN LAUGHS]
NATHANIEL
Father, it–it–it–
PASTOR
The devil… who had made a bet with God…
NATHANIEL
I–I–
PASTOR
(simult.) …because God loves to gamble.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) –uh–this is–yup.
PASTOR
That’s the point–
NATHANIEL
Mm-hm.
PASTOR
–of my last sermon, boy.
NATHANIEL
Uh-huh.
PASTOR
God…
NATHANIEL
Mm-hm, yeah.
PASTOR
…loves…
NATHANIEL
So–
PASTOR
…to gamble.
NATHANIEL
–about the steeple–
JAMES
God in fact does play dice.
[ALEX CHUCKLES]
JAMES
So…
[BRYN CACKLES]
PASTOR
Not with cards, or dice, or any other–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Mm-hm, yeah.
PASTOR
(simult.) –wicked sinful thing, but rather with the lives…
NATHANIEL
I–
PASTOR
…of people.
NATHANIEL
Uh–Father, I see, I–
PASTOR
Our souls!
NATHANIEL
Yeah, mm-hm, yep!
PASTOR
We are but His playthings.
NATHANIEL
So about the steeple, Father.
PASTOR
But it is…
NATHANIEL
I really think that if we were to…
PASTOR
It is a noble thing.
NATHANIEL
…if we were to climb the steeple…
PASTOR
To be toyed with by God.
NATHANIEL
…maybe get a–a sight of the c–
PASTOR
I mean–
NATHANIEL
–sight of God’s creation, or……
PASTOR
‘Course, God… doesn’t play dice–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) No, I–[sighs]
PASTOR
(simult.) –‘cause can you imagine? Imagine if God rolled a… snake eyes…
NATHANIEL
I’m going up the–
[LAUGHTER]
NATHANIEL
Oh, Father.
[BRYN LAUGHING]
[CHUCKLING]
PASTOR
Why, who can imagine what sorta…
NATHANIEL
(simult.) I’ll–I–
PASTOR
(simult.) …horrific drawn-out effects–
[LAUGHTER]
PASTOR
–that might have for the universe!
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
NATHANIEL
Father, I’m–I’d really like to… to see God’s creation from on high, could ya facilitate that for me, Father?
[PAUSE]
PASTOR
What, the steeple?
NATHANIEL
Yeahhhh! Hey, yeah–
PASTOR
(simult.) Oh, no, steeple–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) –that’s a great idea!
PASTOR
–was closed at, uh, at 6 after the service!
NATHANIEL
Oh, b–uh–uh–oh, Father, I’m such a–a terrible sinner, and… um… s–and–and I think some perspective from… maybe from on high would grant… me the chance to see the error of…… stuff.
PASTOR
Well, I mean, I’d love to grant you your, uh… steeple-based redemption there, son.
[LAUGHTER]
PASTOR
But, uh… unfortunately, uh… I ain’t got the key. Caretaker took it. He’s probably in the saloon by now.
NATHANIEL
Oh, that–that’s such a shame. You know what, you’ve given me a lot to think about, Father. I–I–
PASTOR
Well, I’m only halfway through the story of Job!
NATHANIEL
Well, Father, Father, I wouldn’t have reason to come back if you finish now! It’s so… uh…
PASTOR
(simult.) And I have written–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) …exciti–
PASTOR
–my own follow-up parable.
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
NATHANIEL
Um, Fa–Fa–Father, if you’ll excuse me one second, um, I–I have to pay… a–a–a–a visit, and, obviously, in a–in a house of God that’d be inappropriate.
ALEX
I just–I just leave and start heading towards the saloon.
PASTOR
Oh–all right! I’ll… see you… Sunday, probably!
NATHANIEL
Ab–absolutely, Father.
ALEX
Yup. I’m just heading–
PASTOR
(simult.) What a nice young man.
ALEX
(simult.) –to the saloon.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
So where are you heading?
ALEX
I’m heading straight to the saloon to find the caretaker.
JONNY
Okay. Meanwhile, the teller has opened the vault. And there is… a lot more money in there than you’d expect from a… from such a small town bank. You–
ALEX
(stage whisper) Everything’s going so well!
JONNY
Could you make me a Smarts roll? James.
JAMES
Just generic Smarts?
JONNY
Yes. This is what’s known as a Common Knowledge roll. It’s where you–
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
–roll Smarts to see if you know something.
JAMES
I’ve rolled 2! Twice.
JONNY
2. You have no idea why there would be so much money in there!
CARL
WHAT’S… PAPER… MONEY?
[ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
CARL
WHAT?
TELLER
Uh–i–it–it’s quite common?
CARL
Ohh. (laughing) Right.
TELLER
I mean…
[BEN CHUCKLES]
TELLER
…w-we have–we have, uh–we have both Union and Confederacy, here. Um… I mean, technically it should mostly be Confederacy, but, uh… I mean, this far west, (lowering voice) uh, you generally take, uh, take both.
CARL
(lowering voice) Yeah, r–that is novel. How interesting. I’m gonna put it in some bags now, if that’s all right?
[ALEX LAUGHS]
TELLER
All right, well, uh, I do thank you for not shootin’ me.
CARL
YOU’RE WELCOME. STAY–BEHAVE.
TELLER
All right.
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
This is so… civil bank robbery.
CARL
TELLER? YOU–HELP ME BAG IT UP.
TELLER
Oh–no, no no, that would–that would violate–
CARL
(simult.) HELP ME…
TELLER
(simult.) –the terms of my employment.
CARL
…BAG IT UP OR I’LL… SHOOT YOUR CROTCH OFF.
[BEN LAUGHS]
[PAUSE]
TELLER
O-okay. I–I mean, that… [sucks in a breath] Wouldn’t like that to happen.
[CHUCKLING]
BRYN
I’m taking the fir–
JONNY
And he will start to help you bag it up!
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
He will do it slowly, and probably be stopping, often. So–actually, make me a Intimidation roll.
JAMES
Oh, yeah, I could’ve… been more intimidating there, couldn’t I? Well, I’ve sh–[laughs]–threatened to shoot his crotch off, is…
JONNY
Yeah, that’s why–that’s where the–
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
–(laughing) intimidation comes in.
JAMES
4.
JONNY
He’ll be bagging some money. You’ve now intimidated him and threatened him enough that, as and when a Wells Fargo agent says, “Wwwhy did you help him bag up the money?” he can say, “He was gonna shoot m’crotch off.”
JAMES
Yup.
JONNY
Zeke.
BRYN
I’m carrying the first pair of bags outside to the horses.
JONNY
You’re leaving the…
BEN
As Zeke turns round, I scuttle out of the door, like, “Yeah, I was totally looking at the horses!”
JONNY
Okay.
BEN
“Big scary man told me to do that.”
JONNY
Right. You two, then, are now in sight of the saloon.
ALEX
Mm-hm. Can I see Cigarillo?
JONNY
Well, could you both make me Notice rolls–
ALEX
Aha.
JONNY
–for what you can see?
BEN
Yes.
ALEX
Good!
[DICE ROLLING]
VARIOUS
Ooooohhhhhh!
BEN
Two explosions on my–do–I reroll both, [indistinct]?
JONNY
Yeah yeah, you reroll both. Take the highest.
[DICE ROLLING]
BEN
10!
JONNY
10. Brilliant.
[DICE ROLLING]
BRYN
That’s good noticing.
BEN
Mmm!
ALEX
A 6.
JONNY
Either on a d6?
ALEX
On a d6.
JONNY
Then you reroll the 6 and add it together. ‘Cause it EXPLOOOODES!
ALEX
We’re so good at exploding things!
BEN
Such Wild Cards.
ALEX
And then a 4. So a 10 total.
JONNY
So–
JAMES
(simult.) Oh–your eyes meet across–
JONNY
(simult.) –both of you are 10.
JAMES
–a crowded…
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JAMES
…town. You see each other so intimately…
JONNY
Uh…
JAMES
Sorry.
JONNY
Each 4 above your target is called a raise. And so if you succeed with a raise, then generally, you get extra good things. And sometimes… more raises do good things, sometimes it’s just… it’s just nice to know how well you’ve done.
[JAMES AND ALEX CHUCKLE]
JONNY
So yeah. You see each other. Then your eyes go back to the saloon, as the doors open, and a very drunk man staggers out, supported by two relatively sober men. The drunk man is wearing a very shiny sheriff’s star.
ALEX
I immediately stop, to a skidding halt, look incredibly panicked at Cigarillo, immediately turn around, and run back, and whilst going past the bank, just sort of… gesture, going:
NATHANIEL
(urgent whisper) Ca-cawww! Ca-cawwww! Ca-caww!
[JAMES LAUGHS]
ALEX
And then run back to the church.
JONNY
Right. Okay. Ben?
CIGARILLO
Uhhh…
BEN
I’ll just scoot back inside the door.
CIGARILLO
Uh, Zeke? Zeke? They’re–they’re–the sheriff’s here. But he’s really drunk!
[PAUSE]
ZEKE
Hmmmm. Let’s take a look.
BRYN
I dump the two bags I’m carrying, just inside the door, and poke my head out.
JONNY
Yeah, you can see the sheriff staggering down from the saloon, two deputies supporting him. And–
BRYN
So they do seem to be deputies.
JONNY
They are wearing less shiny stars.
BRYN
Hmmm.
JONNY
But they are deputies. [shaking dice] And let’s see… (whispering) if they see you guys.
BRYN
Yeah.
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
[SNORTS] No.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
No, he’s just started… violently throwing up. Just in the street.
BRYN
Nice.
JAMES
Are the other two supporting him and being comforting–
JONNY
Yes.
JAMES
–and so on and therefore–
JONNY
(simult.) Yes. Yes.
JAMES
(simult.) –definitely not looking at the bank and they’re quite distracted at folks on the [indistinct]?
JONNY
They are literally opposite you guys. Other side of the street. But right now they are not looking at the smashed door of the bank.
JAMES
How far away is the other side of the street?
JONNY
About… 5 yards? It’s quite a wide street.
JAMES
(as Carl) CARL OVERHEARS THE COMMOTION. (normal) Overhears the commotion of… Cigarillo Lee coming back into the bank. Pokes his heat out.
CARL
WHAT? WHAT’S GOING ON?
BLACKJACK
What’s the problem here?
CIGARILLO
(half-whispering) Uh, there’s–the–the sheriff’s just come out the saloon, he’s got a coupla deputies.
BLACKJACK
Y–aaahhh.
NATHANIEL
(distantly) Ca-caww. Ca-caa–[Alex laughs]–aww.
JONNY
At this point, Mr. Fletcher runs past, going, “Ca-caww!”
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Ca-caww!
JONNY
(simult.) “Ca-caww!”
NATHANIEL
Ca-caaaaw. Ca-caaaaaw.
JONNY
Does it alert the sheriff and his deputies?
[JAMES AND BEN CHUCKLE]
[JAMES SIGHS]
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
It definitely alerts–
[JAMES LAUGHS]
JONNY
–the sheriff and his deputies!
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BRYN
If I had a gun, I would shoot you, Alex.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
NATHANIEL
Ca-caawww. Ca-caawww. Ca-caw!
JONNY
Yes, your obnoxiously loud ca-cawing…
NATHANIEL
(stage whisper) Ca-caaaawww!
JONNY
…has… caught the attention of the sheriff, the deputies, who see the smashed door, and–yeah. They are starting to draw weapons.
BEN
I’m gonna… shoot one.
JONNY
You’re just–
BEN
(simult.) With my rifle.
JONNY
(simult.) You’re just gonna lean out the–and… shoot.
BEN
(simult.) Yeah.
JONNY
(simult.) All right. Make me a Shooting roll.
BEN
I’m gonna do a Shooting roll. I get a d8!
ALEX
Ooooh.
BEN
Yeah, I’m quite good at the shooting. So I’m using the Sharps Big 50.
JONNY
Yup.
BEN
So I’m at a -2.
JONNY
Yes.
[DICE ROLLING]
BEN
So that is a… 4.
JONNY
A 4. That would normally be a hit, but it is night.
BEN
(simult.) Ohhhhh, no.
JONNY
(simult.) Which is another -2, for just being hard to see.
BEN
That’s a 2.
JONNY
So… one of the windows of the saloon explodes next to them, as the gun bucks violently in your hands. It’s not actually the first time you’ve shot it, but you’ve never actually hit anything with this gun.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
(simult.) They… dive for cover.
CIGARILLO
(simult.) I, uhhhhhh–this–this doesn’t usually happen to me! It’s–
JONNY
So I’m gonna deal out… some very quick initiative cards. [dealing]
BEN
So faces are…
JONNY
(simult.) Faces–so it starts with–
BEN
(simult.) 10, 11–oh, 11, 12, 13?
JONNY
–Jokers? Ace? King–
ALEX
(simult.) Ha-ha!
JAMES
(simult.) Hello.
[ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
JAMES
Ohhhhhh!
BRYN
Whoaaaaa!
JONNY
(simult.) Everyone got a King!
BEN
(simult.) We have three Kings.
JONNY
(simult.) Right.
BRYN
(simult.) I didn’t get a King.
JONNY
So.
ALEX
Ah, Zeke, it’s okay.
JONNY
So that is… Spades are the highest of–
ALEX
(simult.) YEAHHHHHH!
JONNY
(simult.) –the Kings.
ALEX
(simult.) By which I mean–
JONNY
(simult.) So–
JAMES
[INDISTINCT] kings?
JONNY
(simult.) Yeah.
ALEX
(simult, Nathaniel) Yahoo! Ya-hooo. Wooo.
JONNY
Again, Savage Worlds aficionados–
[BEN SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT]
JONNY
–will notice that I am not sticking to a 6-second round. This is just a way of ordering the chaos.
ALEX
Okay. So, I know that they’re aware. Presumably.
JONNY
They are currently–there’s been a big old “BOOM!” gunshot.
ALEX
Which is closer? The bank or the church?
JONNY
You are equidistant between the two.
ALEX
I run to the church!
JONNY
Okay.
ALEX
Whilst yelling:
NATHANIEL
Salvation! Salvation, oh–!
[JAMES LAUGHS]
NATHANIEL
Oh, PRAISE Jesus, salvation!
JONNY
(simult.) The old pastor–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Oh, I’m just so…
JONNY
–has just been locking the front door. And will turn:
PASTOR
Ohh! You came back to…
NATHANIEL
TELL ME ABOUT JOB!
[LAUGHTER]
NATHANIEL
TELL ME ABOUT JOB, Father! Tell me all about Job!
PASTOR
Well now, I know some would disser… would dismiss what I have to say as–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Not me, Father! Not me, Father.
PASTOR
(simult.) –mere fanfiction, but, uh… is… is the sheriff all right? There seems to be a bit o’commotion.
JONNY
Skip to: the King of… Diamonds.
JAMES
I’m Diamonds. Is Clubs–so I’ve beaten Clubs?
JONNY
Clubs is the lowest.
JAMES
Okay, fair enough.
BEN
Awwwwwww.
JAMES
Right! So, (as Carl) CARL SIDEBOTTOM (normal) is at the door of the vault, with the bank teller behind him…
JONNY
Mm-hm.
JAMES
…so I think he just–he takes one pace out, he slams the door shut behind him, and pulls his rifle out.
JONNY
Okay.
JAMES
Do I have enough time to then take a shot through the window?
JONNY
Yes, but I will be giving you a -2, ‘cause it’s a multi-action.
JAMES
Okay.
JONNY
So, you’d be at -4 in total.
JAMES
Sure. And I’ve got my special rifle, which on this character sheet, for Carlos, uh…
JONNY
(simult.) Vasquez.
JAMES
(simult.) …Vasquez, is called Consuela. My trademark Winchester ‘73 is called (as Carl) MARJORIE.
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JONNY
Right. So, you get +1, so it’s a total of -3–
JAMES
(simult.) -3. Oookay.
JONNY
(simult.) –to your shot to try and kill one of the deputies. So a d10, a d6… and take 3 away from the highest!
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
Ohhhh. 6 – 3–
BRYN
Well, you reroll the 6.
JONNY
Yup.
JAMES
Oh, I rolled a 6! Oh yeah!
ALEX
Sixes EXPLODE!
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
That’s a 1. So it’s 7, so that’s 4.
JONNY
That is a hit! Could you roll me your damage, please? I’ll say you hit one of the deputies.
JAMES
Sure. 2d8…
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
8.
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
13 total.
JONNY
And you reroll the 8, ‘cause–
JAMES
(simult.) Ooohhh!
JONNY
(simult.) –that explodes.
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
That’s another 3, so–
JONNY
(simult.) BOOOM!
JAMES
(simult.) –16 total.
JONNY
You know that head he had?
[JAMES LAUGHS, AND MAKES AN EXPLOSION NOISE]
JONNY
Yup. Gory gun murder, the first… first gory gun murder–
CARL
(simult.) SURPRIIIIIIISE!
JONNY
(simult.) –of the game. He–he is! He is.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
So. Cigarillo Lee.
BEN
Okay. Going slightly pale, ‘cause I’ve not seen somebody actually killed before…
JONNY
No! This is probably the first time you’ve seen a head explode.
BEN
This is the second–
[JAMES LAUGHS]
BEN
This is the second job I’ve been on.
JONNY
Yes!
BEN
The first one was trying to knock over a liquor store. So I’ll scramble into the bank, ‘cause I was standing in the doorway, and knock out one of the panes?
JONNY
Okay.
BEN
And… if I’m able to with the multi-action, take a shot with my–
JONNY
(simult.) Yup.
BEN
(simult.) –pistol now. With my rifle, which is kind of over my back with its strap.
JONNY
Sure. So that was Kings. Queens? Jack? 10? Yup. [flips card] Blackjack Bronson… he’s going for one of the windows that does not open up onto the street. Still in the sort of teller area. And as he does so, you can see he’s fiddling around with what looks like some dynamite. And he’s going to try and hurl it, roughly, just towards… the sheriff…and his cohort.
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
He doesn’t actually hit them, but he gets it into the middle of the street, and there is a BOOOOM! As various windows shatter and just–there’s a lot of smoke and dust and panic. So that was 10s. 9?
[PAUSE]
JONNY
8.
BRYN
I call out:
ZEKE
You lied to us, Blackjack!
BLACKJACK
Ain’t no lies! Come on!
ZEKE
They’ll be down for now, let’s get this cash outta here as quick as we can!
JONNY
And yeah, you’re–so you’re basically making… making tracks with the cash.
BRYN
Yeah. I’m gonna–I had two bags, so I’m gonna pick those back up and run to my horse.
JONNY
Okay. So that’s everyone. [flips card] For the deputies are currently Shaken, so they’ll try and–
JAMES
Only one deputy.
JONNY
One deputy and the sheriff are Shaken. They’ll be trying to recover their senses.
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
(laughs) Unsuccessfully. You can see a lot more movement from inside of the saloon, and the sight of guns being drawn. You don’t know if there are other deputies, or just… armed townsfolk, ‘cause it’s the Wild West, and more importantly, it’s a monster-filled Wild West.
[JAMES CHUCKLES]
JONNY
So everyone has guns. So yeah. It looks like you’re very close to being swarmed by a lot of angry armed people. New round.
[DEALING CARDS]
JONNY
Jokers? Aces? Blackjack’s an Ace. Blackjack’s going for his horse. He’s on his horse, and he’s… he’s riding. Kings? Queens? Jacks?
JAMES
Jack. Carl Sidebottom is now… I think by this point he’s up against the window frame, poised over it, and he’s gonna take his time and take a shot at the sheriff.
JONNY
Okay, you–
JAMES
(simult.) ‘Cause he’s already killed the deputy.
JONNY
(simult.) –you… you specifically want to kill a…
JAMES
Yup.
JONNY
…to kill the sheriff. All right, make me a shot.
JAMES
I’m gonna cut the head off the snake of law and order in this town.
JONNY
All right.
[BEN CHUCKLES]
ALEX
That’s how law works!
JAMES
Yup. D10 plus my d6…
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
5 is my top score there.
JONNY
So, that’s–with the -1 that is a hit. Please roll me your damage.
JAMES
Which is… 2d…
JONNY
(simult.) 8.
JAMES
(simult.) …8?
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
5…
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
…and 6 is 11.
JONNY
11. He’s gut-shot.
ALEX
Oof.
JONNY
He goes down. You don’t know if he’s dead. But he’s certainly drunk, and shot, and on the floor.
JAMES
Yeah.
JONNY
He’s probably not going to be trying to tackle you.
JAMES
Okay. Yup.
JONNY
So that’s a Jack. 10? 9? 8?
BEN
Yup. So yeah, Cigarillo Lee is… things are going badly. Tavern’s gone…
JONNY
Yup.
BEN
Zeke and Blackjack are going. He’s also gonna go. Just… run for it.
JONNY
(simult.) Yeah, you can–yeah.
BEN
(simult.) Jump on the horse.
JONNY
Anyone who’s making a–who’s fleeing this round, I’m gonna let you go fine. Carl might have some problems. What’re you on?
ALEX
2!
JONNY
2. Well, right, so the [flips card] tavern–basically the windows of the saloon explode with gunfire. It looks like it’s being fired pretty much blindly out at you guys.
[BEN CHUCKLES]
JONNY
Zeke, Cigarillo, and Blackjack are not in the line of fire. Mr. Fletcher…
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JONNY
…and… Carl Sidebottom…
CARL
OOOHH.
JONNY
(laughing) …very much are.
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
They’ve got… incredible minuses.
[DICE ROLLING]
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Ohhhhhh, lordy!
JONNY
(simult.) But there are a lot of them.
[PAUSE]
JONNY
None of them hit you! There’s a lot of exploding glass–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) PRAAAISE Jesus!
JONNY
(simult.) –and gunfire–
CARL
COME ON THEN, YOU _[indistinct]!*
[BEN CHUCKLES]
JONNY
Right. And what is Mr. Fletcher doing?
ALEX
So, having heard the gunfire, Mr. Fletcher is proceeding to run to the church, run past the church while screaming:
NATHANIEL
Oh, praise Jesus, I’m saved! Oh! Oh, praise Jes–
ALEX
I’m just running.
PASTOR
(simult, hollering after him) That’s not the moral–
ALEX
(simult.) I’m not even–
PASTOR
–of the book of Job!
ALEX
I’m just–I’m just–
[JAMES LAUGHS]
ALEX
–running in a beeline and forgetting about my horse, past the church.
JONNY
Okay. So, everyone has fled–
BRYN
I–
JONNY
–except Carl.
BRYN
I–well, I’m gonna… help Cigarillo onto a horse. Probably…
JONNY
Just bodily lift him.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BRYN
(simult.) Probably Nathan’s horse.
JAMES
(simult.) Nathan–yeah.
BRYN
I’m gonna bellow, as I’m geeing up my horse…
ZEKE
Caaaarl! It’s time to go!
BRYN
And then I’m gonna unleash my Rebel Yell ability.
JONNY
Right. Because Zeke has an ability called Rebel Yell. It’s an Edge that allows you to do a… terrifying war cry of the Confederate army, which can stun people.
JAMES
People go like, “Oh my god, I can’t believe he said that. That is…”
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JAMES
“That is so not okay?”
JONNY
Normally there’s issues with radius and battle maps, but I don’t use a battle map, so just… give me a bellow and then roll Intimidate!
ZEKE
YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAAW!
BRYN
I have no Intimidate.
[BEN LAUGHS]
JONNY
Yeah you do.
BRYN
Oh! L–I’ve got loads.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BRYN
Good, good.
ALEX
What’s the opposite of none?
[JAMES CHUCKLES]
[DICE ROLLING]
BRYN
Boooo. 2.
JONNY
Well, given you’re in Arizona, which at this point in the Civil War is still technically Confederacy, the saloon replies:
SALOON
YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAW!
[JAMES LAUGHS]
[ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
JONNY
Did you have–
[BEN SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT]
[ALEX AND BRYN LAUGHING]
JONNY
So I mean, it’s–it’s great, let’s all have a–let’s all have a big old gunfight!
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
Outstanding.
JONNY
I will let you flee if you wish, James.
JAMES
Yeah, I think at this point, _[indistinct].*
JONNY
I will probably–I tell you what, I’ll ask you to make me an Agility roll…
JAMES
Sure.
JONNY
…to not get shot as you leave.
JAMES
Sure. Yeah.
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
So that is… yup, I got 6.
JONNY
6. And…
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
Ah, you’ve a-been a bit shot.
JAMES
Oh.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
[DICE RATTLING]
[BEN LAUGHS]
BRYN
Just a bit, though.
JONNY
Just a bit shot.
JAMES
Can I–can I reroll? Using one of my…
JONNY
(simult.) Oh, you can, actually–
JAMES
(simult.) …poker chips?
JONNY
–yes. Now, Fate Chips, or Bennies, in Savage Worlds, are a mechanic for rerolling dice. Or, normally, soaking wounds. So if you get wounded, you can avoid getting wounded by spending a Benny. I’m not really using the soaking thing because, as I say, I’m massively simplifying the whole combat. But if you want to reroll your Agility there to try and not-get-shot a bit better.
JAMES
Yeah. So, uhhh…
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
1 and an 8.
JONNY
An 8. Then, yes! You manage to get on your horse, you manage to get on…
CARL
COME ON, JEFFY.
JONNY
…Jeffy. And ride away, with nary a bullet in your aged rump.
JAMES
Okay. Carl turns around back.
[CARL YELLS]
JAMES
And just… sticks the finger up.
[CARL JEERS]
JONNY
Right.
[CARL JEERS, MORE EXTENSIVELY]
JONNY
Cut to…
JAMES
Literally minutes of that.
JONNY
Cut to the morning. You’ve all been riding for hours.
BRYN
Well, one of us hasn’t been, ‘cause he wasn’t on a horse.
ALEX
(laughing) I was fleeing on foot!
BRYN
(simult.) He’s done… literally everything–
JONNY
(simult.) Yeah, that’s a good point, actually.
BRYN
–wrong, every moment…
[ALEX LAUGHING]
BRYN
…of this game so far.
JONNY
That’s a very good point.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
Has anyone–I will say that you were all running–fleeing the same direction, so you will have come across the pathetically fleeing Nathaniel Fletcher.
ALEX
(laughing) Does anyone stop to pick me up?
BRYN
I spit on you as we pass.
[ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
JONNY
Blackjack will pick you up.
[BRYN LAUGHS]
JONNY
If necessary.
BRYN
I’m at the front, and I’m just spitting in your direction.
[ALEX LAUGHING]
BRYN
‘Cause I’m so angry at you.
NATHANIEL
(pathetically) Oh, thank you, Blackjack, I’m so tired!
BEN
(simult.) I’m… too scared of–
NATHANIEL
(simult, even more pathetically) I’m so tired, Blackjack.
[JAMES LAUGHS]
BEN
I’m too scared of Zeke to pick him up.
[BRYN CACKLES]
JAMES
Carl… was the last one to leave the scene, so would be the last one to catch them up, so he would’ve already been picked up by that point.
JONNY
Yup. Cool. So–yeah, you’ve been riding now for a good few hours. There is a dust cloud behind you. You are being pursued, hard. Could you all make me Ride rolls?
BEN
Oh, no.
[JONNY LAUGHS SMUGLY]
BRYN
Oh dear.
BEN
So it’s…
BRYN
D4…
JONNY
Minus 2.
BRYN
…plus d6, ‘cause we’re PCs.
JONNY
Yeah.
[MULTIPLE DICE ROLLING]
BEN
So that’ll be the…
[MULTIPLE DICE ROLLING]
BEN
…critical fail.
JONNY
Mm-hm!
BRYN
6.
JAMES
2.
ALEX
3.
JONNY
3. Right. Bryn is fine.
BRYN
And the money’s on my horse.
[ALEX AND JAMES LAUGHING]
JONNY
James and Alex, you’re going to be at -1 to all rolls until you get a chance to sit down for a while, because you are very saddlesore.
ALEX
Only a problem if I try and do anything usefulllll!
JONNY
(laughs) And Cigarillo Lee… has killed his horse.
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
BEN
At which point… and how–
JONNY
(simult.) Basically you have–
BEN
(simult.) –did I achieve this?
JONNY
–you have very–well, I mean, you’ve hardly ever ridden before. You rode off… like a madman.
BEN
Ahhhh.
JONNY
You went–like–you disappeared over the horizon.
BEN
S–[laughs]–so they come across me by the side of the trail with my thumb out.
[ALEX AND JAMES LAUGH]
JONNY
Essentially, yes. You have… just aggressively ridden your horse to death. Because you don’t know how horses work.
ALEX
(laughing) Oh, god.
BRYN
I look–
JONNY
And–
CIGARILLO
I thought they just went!
ALEX
(laughing harder) Ohhhh, god!
BRYN
I look furious and disappointed on you, but I offer you a seat on the back of my horse.
[BEN LAUGHS]
CIGARILLO
Thanks, Mister Z, sir! Thank you, I won’t do it again!
BLACKJACK
God dammit. All right, uh–
CIGARILLO
You said this was gonna be easy! This wasn’t easy!
BLACKJACK
It COULD’VE been easy! Ain’t no way that the sheriff should’ve been there!
ZEKE
And the deputies.
BLACKJACK
And the deputies, god dammit.
CIGARILLO
And the tavern.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BLACKJACK
And–[sighs]–Carl, you… shot t–[sighs]–now there–there ain’t no way they’re gonna leave off the chase now. All right, ummm… (muttering) lemme think.
[PAUSE]
BLACKJACK
This way.
JONNY
And he starts riding off towards a nearby gorge.
ALEX
Okay.
JONNY
Following him, you head down, and you can see… quite a well-hidden cave.
CIGARILLO
That sure looks inviting and not at all ominous.
[ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
BLACKJACK
Well, ominous or not, it’s the only place we got to hide right now.
CIGARILLO
Better than a bullet in the brain.
CARL
HAS IT GOT ANY CHAIRS?
BLACKJACK
Oh, uh…
ZEKE
What do we do with the horses, Jack?
BLACKJACK
Well, should be space for ‘em in there.
ZEKE
Okay.
BLACKJACK
We can eat ‘em later if we need to.
ZEKE
(quietly) Hmmmm.
BLACKJACK
(quietly) I mean the horses.
[PAUSE]
CARL
DON’T LISTEN.
[JAMES AND ALEX LAUGH]
CARL
DON’T LISTEN TO HIM, JEFFY.
JAMES
And Carl claps his hands over Jeffy’s ears.
CARL
DON’T LISTEN TO THEM.
JONNY
You reach the cave. It is… dark. The shadows… they seem to come right up to the edge. The sun doesn’t seem to penetrate even a little bit beyond the threshold.
CARL
REMINDS ME OF HULL.
[BRYN LAUGHING]
CARL
THIS IS LIKE HULL ON EARTH.
[BRYN GROAN-LAUGHING]
JONNY
That is… it is a large cave. There is a lot of space in there. You can get the horses. You probably wouldn’t want to start a fire in here, because it would channel the smoke out quite visibly. It goes deep, though, it goes quite a ways in, you can’t actually see far.
ZEKE
How long we gonna hold up here, Jack?
BLACKJACK
‘Til I’m sure they’re gone.
ALEX
Do any of us have a source of light, in any way?
JONNY
You–various of you have matches, and Blackjack has a few lanterns.
ALEX
Okay.
JONNY
Which he will hand out, actually. In fact, I’m gonna say he has three lanterns. He will take one. He will give Zeke one, and he will give Carl one.
[ALEX AND JAMES LAUGH]
JONNY
Because…
BEN
Fair enough.
JONNY
…that’s…
ZEKE
Who’s got the best eyes? Someone needs to be watchin’ the gorge, the way we came down.
CIGARILLO
Uh… that might be me.
NATHANIEL
Uh, yeah, prob–probably? I mean…
ZEKE
I don’t trust this–this… man as far as I could throw ‘im.
CIGARILLO
Well that’s pretty far, though.
ZEKE
True.
[A SOUND LIKE A LONG AND MENACING EXHALE OF BREATH]
CIGARILLO
B–Blackjack, was that you?
BLACKJACK
(subdued) No. Sounded like it came from deeper in the cave.
CIGARILLO
Uh…
BLACKJACK
Coulda just been wind.
CIGARILLO
I–
ZEKE
Yeah. Probably just the wind.
CARL
SORRY ABOUT THAT, LADS.
NATHANIEL
It’s definitely–it’s definitely not the wind. We’re all in trouble, we should flee immediately.
BLACKJACK
All right. Uh–Cigarillo?
CIGARILLO
Yeah? Yeahyeahyeah, yeah.
BLACKJACK
Uh, you watch the–you watch the gorge, uh…
CIGARILLO
Yup!
BLACKJACK
Carl, you too. Um–
NATHANIEL
I’ll watch the horses!
BLACKJACK
No, you, and Zeke… let’s go check out whatever was makin’ that noise.
NATHANIEL
O-or I could… I could watch the–
ZEKE
You’re comin’ with us.
NATHANIEL
Okey-doke. Yup–oh! (strained) Yup, that’s fine.
JONNY
Blackjack will hand you each a lantern.
ALEX
I get a lantern?
JONNY
(simult.) Yeah!
ALEX
(simult.) Yes!
JONNY
And… head off, into the cave.
NATHANIEL
You lead the way, Zeke, I am right behind you–
BRYN
(simult.) I have one hand–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) –my, um–
BRYN
–on the back of your neck–
[ALEX LAUGHS
BRYN
–AND YOU ARE EXACTLY ONE ARM’S LENGTH IN FRONT OF ME.
[ALEX CHUCKLES]
CARL
COME ON THEN, YOUNG MR. LEE! OFF TO THE MOUTH OF THE CAVE WE GO.
CIGARILLO
Uh, yup. Yeah, sure. S–sure thing.
JONNY
It is dark. And you can see: lacing through the walls are small veins of a dark gray rock, speckled with white, that you would recognize as ghost rock. It’s about a minute of walking. The ground is gradually going down. It’s… a surprisingly deep cave. When it seems to split off into two.
NATHANIEL
Well. Now we know. Okay. Excellent. So it splits into two and there was nothing here. So, we can go back, we can–
BLACKJACK
(simult.) You wanna take one, Zeke?
NATHANIEL
(simult.) –wait, it’ll be great…
BLACKJACK
I’ll keep an eye on Fletcher.
ZEKE
All right. I’ll go left.
BLACKJACK
I’ll go right.
NATHANIEL
I’ll… apparently–(strained) okay, here we go, yup.
BRYN
I’ve got the lantern in one hand and I’ve brought out my club.
JONNY
Okay. Blackjack will gesture for you to proceed, Alex.
ALEX
Fletcher knows enough not to try his luck, and proceeds. Really slowly. Being really careful.
JONNY
Okay.
ALEX
‘Cause he thinks he might die soon.
JONNY
After about a minute, you come to what looks like a roughly-carved-out cavern. You can’t see any other exits from it. Casting your light around, it looks like there are scratches, over the wall.
ALEX
What kind of scratches?
JONNY
Make me a Notice roll.
ALEX
Okay. My Notice is a formidable… 4. [chuckles quietly] I’m good at stealing things, I’m not good at noticing them to steal!
[DICE ROLLING]
ALEX
The 6 explodes!
JONNY
Mm-hm.
[DICE ROLLING]
ALEX
To a 10.
JONNY
To a 10–they are not fingernail scratches. They look like claws, of some sort.
NATHANIEL
Um, Bla–Bl–Bla–
JONNY
The beam…
NATHANIEL
(nervous) Mmmmm?
JONNY
…of your lantern…
[ALEX CHUCKLES QUIETLY]
JONNY
…casts around the room, and you see what looks like… it looks like a nest. Made of… clothes.
NATHANIEL
(whispering very quietly) Blackjack. (fractionally louder) Bla–Blackjack.
JONNY
Next to it is a–
NATHANIEL
(whispering) Blackjack.
JONNY
–pile of…
NATHANIEL
(simult, whispering loudly) We’re gonna die, Blackjack.
JONNY
(simult.) It’s hard to–it’s hard to tell exactly, it’s… leather? Maybe?
NATHANIEL
(whispering) Blackjack. (voice cracking) Blackjack, we should go. We’re definitely gonna die.
BLACKJACK
What is it?
NATHANIEL
Clothes ‘n’ stuff ‘n’ people ‘n’ dead people ‘n’ stuff.
BLACKJACK
Dead people?
NATHANIEL
Yeah definitely.
[PAUSE]
BLACKJACK
You sure? Have a look.
[PAUSE]
NATHANIEL
Uh, yup I can see. Yup. Loads of–loads of that. Stuff.
JONNY
You turn to look at Blackjack… and you can see that a little bit of his face is sagging away from his eye.
ALEX
I drop the lantern and immediately flee the way I came.
JONNY
And we’ll end it there!
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
AAAAHHHH!
BEN
Spooky.
ALEX
Interestingly, dropping the lantern isn’t even a tactical choice, it just felt right.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Well, thank you for that, Jonny, and obviously people will be returning for our next episode–
JONNY
Mm-hm.
ALEX
–which will be second concluding part of this…
JONNY
Yup yup yup.
ALEX
…atrocious horror! Thanks again for guesting, and we will see everyone next episode! Bye guys.
ALL
Bye!
JONNY
Oh. The apple.
[LAUGHTER, CROSSTALK, YELLING]
ALEX
AAAAHH!
JAMES
Aaaahhhh. [continues]
JONNY
[INDISTINCT], okay.
BRYN
Good start, good start.
JONNY
Okay.
[LAUGHTER STOPS]
ALEX
[STARTS LAUGHING AGAIN] Sorry.
ALEX
Fine.
CARL
“OOOOOHHHHH,” THEY’LL SAY. OLD AGE IS COMING FOR YOU.
ALEX
You–
CARL
YEAH, YOU!
ALEX
You had a full brief of what you were getting into. You knew.
JONNY
I…
ALEX
You knew.
JONNY
I… knew. I expected the… people to be better at–
JAMES
(simult.) American accents.
JONNY
(simult.) –doing silly accents, fundamentally.
JAMES
(simult.) And–I–I am!
BEN
Hey! My silly accent is excellent.
JAMES
I felt more like doing Yorkshire today. That’s just what… what called me.
ALEX
I think–I need a thief voice. All I–I’ve now got stuck in my head–
[BRYN SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT]
ALEX
(simult.) –is Skeletor. [laughs]
BEN
(Skeletor) Neh! Which is–[laughs]
ALEX
Nnn–
BEN
(Skeletor) I’m [indistinct] for the laaaand!
JAMES
(Skeletor) But I can’t steal any meat, can I? Otherwise where would I put it? That would look creepy!
ALEX
(Skeletor) Although it’s weird that I have a comb–[laughs]–when I’m Skeletor! What’s with that? (normal) No. I’ll find something else.
BEN
Is that observational comedy from Skeletor?
[JAMES AND ALEX LAUGH]
JAMES
(Skeletor) What’s the deal with this? Why have I…
BEN
(simult, Skeletor) I’m old!
JAMES
(simult, Skeletor) Whaaaat?
BEN
(Skeletor) Myeaaahhh!
[JAMES LAUGHS]
JONNY
(Skeletor) And what is the deal–
BRYN
I would–
JONNY
(Skeletor) –with combs? They’re made of bone… yet useless to me!
[LAUGHTER]
BEN
(Skeletor) What is this, a–a ribcage for ants?