Deadlands Special Part 2
JONNY
Hello, and welcome to part 2 of the Deadlands Halloween special–
ALEX
(simult.) Ooooooooh!
JONNY
(simult.) –at the Rusty Quill Gaming Podcast!
ALEX
Oooooh, spooky!
BEN
(deadpan) So spooky.
JONNY
If you haven’t listened to episode 1, then… none of this would mean anything to you, so go back and listen to episode 1. We’ll see you… it doesn’t take very long.
JAMES
We’ll see you last week.
JONNY
(simult.) We’ll see you soon.
JAMES
(simult.) Waheyyyyyy!
[BEN AND ALEX CHUCKLE]
JONNY
So, we’ll continue right now. So, everyone hears an ear-splitting scream, from deep inside the cavern. Zeke, you are part of the way down your tunnel when you hear a scream from behind you. I will say, for our listeners, that in the meantime, there has been… some secret rolling, between Alex and the thing that was once Blackjack Bronson.
[BRYN GASPS]
JONNY
But nobody except me and Alex knows how that went! So.
BRYN
Zeke turns around, and sprints towards the scream.
JONNY
You run almost bodily into… Fletcher.
NATHANIEL
Ohh, flee! Fleeeee!
ZEKE
What happened?
NATHANIEL
Oh, it–uh–I dunno! I dunno, Blackjack went weird! So… we gotta go! (nervous singsong) There’s a thing and we gotta flee…
ZEKE
Where is he?
NATHANIEL
It–back there, go nuts.
ALEX
I’m immediately standing up and trying to just run past Zeke.
[ZEKE SIGHS]
BRYN
I reluctantly let him flee.
JONNY
Okay.
NATHANIEL
Fleeeeeeee!
BRYN
Then go down the tunnel, towards the terrifying evil monster. ‘Cause I am not genre-savvy.
JONNY
Okay!
[CHUCKLING]
JONNY
You can’t hear anything from in front of you. It’s about a minute of walking, same as for Fletcher. No sound, no movement. You cast your lantern around, it’s a small, roughly-hewn cavern.
BRYN
Mm-hm.
JONNY
You see the scratches on the wall. You see the… nest of discarded clothes. And lying in… the center of the room, surrounded by a pool of translucent ichor… is Blackjack Bronson’s skin. It looks almost entirely whole, but there is nothing inside it. The face is very recognizable, though. His moustache sags obscenely.
BRYN
[CHUCKLES APPRECIATIVELY] Zeke will… poke at the… skin with his club.
ALEX
(simult.) Ohhh, Zeke.
BRYN
(simult, laughing) Just…
ALEX
Don’t poke the thing!
BRYN
Just to see if there’s anything there, and then he’ll do the same to the other piece of skin.
JONNY
It looks…
BRYN
And then he might–
JONNY
Poking the–
BRYN
–go and do it to the nest. He’s just gonna poke around.
JONNY
(simult.) Poking–
BRYN
(simult.) He doesn’t wanna get too close.
JONNY
(simult.) Poking the other–
ALEX
(simult.) Don’t poke it!
JONNY
–pieces of skin, they sort of start to flop away, and you can see that they are also… complete people’s worth’s of skin. Some further decayed than others. Maybe four or five… collections?
BRYN
[SHUDDERS] Is there anything in the nest, if I go and poke around, for…
JONNY
Not that you can see. Oh, there’s a pocket watch, actually, that might fetch a… few dollars. It’s covered in blood.
BRYN
I pocket it.
JONNY
Meanwhile, y–
NATHANIEL
FLEEEEE!
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
Yup. Fletcher…
[JAMES LAUGHS]
JONNY
…runs screaming into the main part of the cave.
NATHANIEL
Fleeeee!
ALEX
I immediately start trying to grab a horse.
JONNY
Okay. He’s trying to grab a horse.
CIGARILLO
Wh–w–Fletcher, what’s goin’ on?
NATHANIEL
Death! Doom!
CIGARILLO
W–just f–
ALEX
Grabbing and shaking.
NATHANIEL
Death! Flee!
BEN
(simult.) I’m gonna get my pistol out, and push it–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) We gotta flee! We’ve gotta flee!
BEN
–against his chest?
NATHANIEL
Oh–come on, now.
CIGARILLO
What’s goin’ on?
NATHANIEL
We gotta flee.
CIGARILLO
Oh yeah? (nervous panting) Three people go in, one person comes out?
NATHANIEL
Exactly! Look at me, I can’t take them!
CIGARILLO
Y–u–d–h–how do I know? Uh–we got guns! They kinda level things!
NATHANIEL
Take it!
ALEX
I literally hand over my derringer.
NATHANIEL
We gotta go!
JONNY
(simult.) It looks like it’s been fired…
NATHANIEL
(simult.) We gotta go right now!
JONNY
…twice.
CIGARILLO
You shot this.
NATHANIEL
Well, yeah, I shot this, the thing’s trying to get me!
CIGARILLO
I didn’t hear a gunshot. I–I he–I heard you scream, but–
JAMES
During this conversation, Carl has taken Marjorie down and is now holding it at… Fletcher’s chest.
NATHANIEL
Okay. New plan. Okay? Great. Here–here’s what we’re gonna do. Right? I am gonna–I’m gonna sit, here, like, on the ground, okay? You can point your guns at me, that’s fine, as long as one of you keeps pointing your gun at that cave. Because death. Lots of death. Death.
CIGARILLO
(simult.) What does that mean?
JONNY
(simult.) At this point…
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Death.
JONNY
…Zeke, looking a bit bloodier than he did, when he went down the tunnel… emerges into the mouth of the cave.
NATHANIEL
Kill it! Kill it now!
CIGARILLO
Whoa–whoa–wh-whoa–whoa–whoa whoa, whoa!
ZEKE
Guys.
CIGARILLO
Where’s Blackjack?
ZEKE
Something ate Blackjack.
NATHANIEL
I–see! I told you. I told you!
CIGARILLO
(simult.) Well, whaddaya mean “ate”?
NATHANIEL
(simult.) I said the things are gonna kill us–
ZEKE
We gotta find it and we gotta kill it.
NATHANIEL
Or… or… we have an extra horse. And we flee. We flee! (nervous tune) Doodle-oo-doo! Away we go.
CIGARILLO
But we got a–there’s a posse out there lookin’ for us.
NATHANIEL
Posses don’t eat people, they put them in jail.
CIGARILLO
No.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) I don’t know about–
CIGARILLO
(simult.) They shoot them. Or they hang them!
NATHANIEL
Oh yeah. Uh…
ZEKE
It’s probably just a coyote or something.
NATHANIEL
Y–sure. That. I mean. It–it kinda ate him while I was there. And it was invisible, and it ate him from the inside out, and it’s gonna kill us all, ish, sorta–
CIGARILLO
(simult.) What–what’re you–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) –now, why don’t we–
CIGARILLO
–talkin’ about?
NATHANIEL
(tiredly) I don’t know, ‘cause I can’t see it, let’s go, give me my gun or something, we flee, we go, like, I–t–how–how is no one perturbed by this?
CIGARILLO
But–
[ANOTHER LONG MENACING BREATH FROM DEEPER IN THE CAVE]
CIGARILLO
Y–w–
NATHANIEL
This is my POINT!
CIGARILLO
Well, I’m–I’m perturbed, but–
NATHANIEL
That’s clearly death!
CIGARILLO
There’s a posse outside that’s definitely gonna kill us.
ZEKE
It sounds like–sounds like a coyote growl to me.
NATHANIEL
Sounds a lot like DEATH!
ZEKE
Let’s stick together, let’s hunt this thing.
[PAUSE]
NATHANIEL
And I’ll guard the horses.
ZEKE
You are comin’ with me.
NATHANIEL
Why?
ZEKE
‘Cause I don’t like ya.
CIGARILLO
What d’you think, Carl?
CARL
THE–THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE HAS A SUGGESTION. WE’RE HERE AT THE MOUTH OF THE CAVE, AND OUTSIDE THERE’S A POSSE AND THAT’S VERY DANGEROUS. INSIDE, THERE MAY OR MAY NOT BE SOME DANGER. WHY DON’T WE REMAIN HERE, MAINTAIN A WATCH LOOKING IN BOTH DIRECTIONS, AND WAIT IT OUT?
NATHANIEL
That’s an excellent plan, let’s do that–
CIGARILLO
(simult.) That sounds all right.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) –let’s wait by the horses.
ZEKE
I am not waitin’ for a coyote to come for me.
NATHANIEL
You’ve got a gun! He’s got a huuuge gun!
ZEKE
I’m goin’ in there, and I’m findin’ it, and I’m killin’ it.
NATHANIEL
Best of luck to you, Zeke, that’ll–
ZEKE
While it’s still slow.
CIGARILLO
See–um–
ZEKE
You never seen an animal eat before? They get slow after.
NATHANIEL
That’s–you know what? You should. You should go hunt that thing. Tell you what, you give me my gun back–
ZEKE
(simult.) Anyone who’s not–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) –I’ll guard–
ZEKE
–a sniveling coward, come with me.
NATHANIEL
Have a good time, guys. That’ll be great. I–I wish you all the best, if you’d allow me to keep my gun.
BEN
I’ll hand you back…
NATHANIEL
And in case the posse come I’ll keep them at bay!
BEN
(simult.) I’ll hand you back–
ZEKE
(simult.) Do not give him his gun back.
CIGARILLO
I–I–
NATHANIEL
(simult, antsy) Oh, come onnn.
CIGARILLO
(simult.) –it’s p–it’s pretty rubbish.
ZEKE
Do not trust him with it. He’s as likely to take a shot at you and–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Tell you what.
ZEKE
(simult.) –try and get out on his own.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) You give me my gun, but–
CIGARILLO
(simult.) Yeah, sure thing, Zeke.
NATHANIEL
–just don’t give me any bullets.
CIGARILLO
Why do you need your gun, then?
NATHANIEL
I’ll hold it and feel better.
CIGARILLO
No?
NATHANIEL
(sighing) Aw.
CIGARILLO
I’m gonna listen to that guy.
NATHANIEL
Why?
ZEKE
I’m–
CIGARILLO
‘Cause look at him!
NATHANIEL
Yeah, he’s big!
CIGARILLO
Look at–
NATHANIEL
He should go hunt a coyote while I guard the entrance.
CARL
WELL, LOOK, IF WE’RE–IF WE’RE GOING ANYWHERE WE’VE GOTTA STICK TOGETHER. THERE’S NO SENSE US LEAVING THIS… USELESS LITTLE TOSSPIECE…
[ALEX AND BEN CHUCKLING]
CARL
…OUT ON HIS OWN. HE’LL ONLY GET SHOT OR CAPTURED AND TELL US–TELL EVERYONE OUT THERE WHERE WE ARE!
JONNY
Smash cut to… you’re in the cave.
JAMES
(laughs) Yeah.
JONNY
Going down, I’m gonna say you are at… the crossroads.
ALEX
Presumably all of us, ‘cause there was no way to negotiate that.
JONNY
Yes. Yes, you are in front, with…
ALEX
Of course I am.
JONNY
…obviously all the guns pointed at your back are actually pointed at any dangers that might be in front of you. You are currently at the–where the cave splits.
BRYN
We’ll go down the right one first.
JONNY
The one–
BRYN
To just make sure we thoroughly explore the nest.
ALEX
(simult.) The right one, or the wrong one?
BRYN
(simult.) And then we’ll come back and go down the other one.
JONNY
Okay. Yeah, you can find–
[BEN SNORTS]
JONNY
–you can find your lantern. It is… fine!
BEN
Waheyyyyyy!
ALEX
I immediately–
BEN
Small mercies.
ALEX
–pick it up and go:
JONNY
Mm-hm.
NATHANIEL
You see? See. Everything’s fine, you can give me my gun because I’m in front of you all anyway.
CIGARILLO
(simult.) Just… keep your–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Everything’s fine.
CIGARILLO
–your–y-your lantern.
JONNY
You can see that there is… a nest which looks like it’s been gradually built up from stolen clothes, piles of complete sets of human skin…
NATHANIEL
Hah! See? See? I don’t eat people! You know why? Because–‘cause I couldn’t fit ‘em in. Where would I have put that–
JONNY
And in the middle… with a nice neat seam down the back… is the skin of Blackjack Bronson.
BEN
I’m gonna pull a Hamid…
JONNY
Mm-hm?
BEN
…and vomit.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
I’m gonna use the opportunity to try to steal my gun back.
JONNY
James, could you make me a Smarts roll?
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
Oh, one of them is a 6!
[DICE ROLLING]
BRYN
Explode.
JAMES
8, total.
JONNY
Yeah. Based on what you’re seeing here, you’d probably be willing to wager that… whatever took you on that job was not Blackjack Bronson.
JAMES
Mm-hm.
JONNY
Based on your… based on what you’d seen of him before, your suspicions, and the fact that his skinsuit is now lying here.
JAMES
[LAUGHS] “Huh!” Did I–how high did I need to roll in order to go like–
[BRYN CHUCKLES]
JAMES
–“Ah, that’s a skinsuit!” [indistinct]
JONNY
Higher than you would’ve before you started playing…
JAMES
Yeah.
JONNY
(laughing) …Carl as a very old…
[ALEX LAUGHS]
CARL
I’M AN OLD MAN.
JONNY
…borderline…
CARL
(simult.) DON’T NOTICE MANY THINGS…
JONNY
(simult.) …dementiac man.
CARL
…MANY THINGS AS THERE WERE BEFORE. YOU KNOW, I DON’T THINK THAT… UH, BLACKJACK BRONSON TOOK US ON JOB, WERE… SAME AS BLACKJACK BRONSON I KNOW FROM YEARS AGO.
ALEX
I continue trying to steal my gun back.
CARL
I WOULDN’T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU.
JONNY
Okay. Make me a Stealth roll.
BEN
And do I make a–a–
JONNY
A Notice roll.
BEN
–Notice? Yes.
JAMES
Me too? ‘Cause I’m…
JONNY
No, you’re–you’re too busy thinking.
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
All right.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
CARL
OOOOHHH.
BEN
5.
ALEX
The 6 explodes!
[DICE ROLLING]
ALEX
To an… 11.
JONNY
You have your gun back.
ALEX
I have my gun back. I proc–
JONNY
You did not notice.
ALEX
And proceed to–
BEN
Fair enough.
ALEX
–on the sly, try and just load it or something.
JONNY
With an 11, I’m gonna say yeah, you can get your gun back and you can load it.
ALEX
(simult.) And then I–
BEN
(simult.) So I would say, like, I dropped it when I was vomiting.
ALEX
Yeah, I just pocket it. No one knows that I have my gun, but I’d rather have a gun. Guns are good.
BRYN
I–yeah, I’m just gonna explore this cavern fully.
ZEKE
Maybe it weren’t a coyote.
NATHANIEL
You see? You see–this–this is what I’m getting at.
CIGARILLO
[PANTING] What d–what d’y–[coughs]–what d’you think it was? I…
NATHANIEL
I think it was death on legs. I think it was death on legs, and it’s coming for us, and we can leave. W–there are horses.
ZEKE
There’s plenty–
NATHANIEL
Horses have four. This thing–
ZEKE
(simult.) There’s plenty of animals–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) –presumably has to–
ZEKE
–that don’t eat the skin.
CIGARILLO
I’m–I’m gonna–um–
ZEKE
It’s probably still just some… beast of some kind.
CIGARILLO
(simult.) I’m just gonna–
CARL
(simult.) NO, SKIN’S THE BEST BIT. IT’S LIKE CRACKLING. IT’S DELICIOUS!
[NATHANIEL GROANS]
CIGARILLO
I–I’m gonna throw my hat with F-Fletcher here, I–
NATHANIEL
See?
CIGARILLO
(simult.) –I–I’d like to take my chances with the posse.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Smart kid. Smart kid.
CIGARILLO
You know? I dunno what’s goin’ on.
CARL
HE MIGHT HAVE A POINT THERE, ZEKE. I MEAN… YOU KNOW, UH, BETTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW, ‘CAUSE YOU CAN SHOOT THE DEVIL IN… FACE.
[ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
ZEKE
One animal… or a dozen angry townsfolk.
CIGARILLO
[QUIET HALF-LAUGH] I’m startin’ to think I wanna take on the townsfolk.
[AN EVEN MORE THREATENING EXHALE FROM THE CAVE UNDER ZEKE’S WORDS]
ZEKE
If you’ve never had a hangin’ posse after you before–
CIGARILLO
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
NATHANIEL
(urgent whisper) Shut up.
ZEKE
(pointedly louder) –you don’t know–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Shut up. Shut–sh–sh–[muffled angry noises]
ZEKE
(simult.) –what you’re talk–I CAN’T HEAR NOTHING.
NATHANIEL
(gritted teeth) I know you can’t, so shut up!
ALEX
I listen.
[PAUSE]
JONNY
(simult.) Nothing.
ZEKE
(simult.) There’s nothing there!
[CHUCKLES]
NATHANIEL
Okay, so.
ALEX
I’m just sort of backing and standing deliberately right next to Cigarillo.
NATHANIEL
So. You wanna hunt this thing, that’s a great idea. How do you feel–you feel that I’m safe now? We can go guard–
CIGARILLO
(simult.) Wh–y–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) –the entrance, yeah?
CIGARILLO
I still don’t–no! I still don’t trust you!
NATHANIEL
Oh come on, man.
CIGARILLO
No, i–y–w–w–right, we should stay together. Uh–y–you know–uh–the–i—-
BRYN
(simult.) I grab one of the lanterns.
CIGARILLO
(simult.) –we’ll–we’ll get–
BRYN
And I start walking back to the fork in the…
JONNY
Okay.
NATHANIEL
This is great! We’re heading back the way we came. Everything is fine. We’re going to leave.
BRYN
(simult.) Everyone will be fine.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) When we get back to the fork, I turn down the other route.
JONNY
Okay!
CIGARILLO
Z–Z–(whispering) Zeke, really?
CARL
COME ON NOW, ZEKE, YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY SURE ABOUT THIS, LAD?
ZEKE
Yes.
ALEX
I’m waiting at that fork, and I’m not even gonna go to the entrance ‘cause I’m afraid he’ll kill me if do.
JONNY
Okay.
ALEX
But I’m not going to down the tunnel, ‘cause I’m afraid I’ll die if I go there.
JAMES
Carl tosses up the options, looks at… these two measly pathetic excuses of…
ALEX
Look, I’ll give my–
CARL
(simult.) ALL RIGHT, FINE.
ALEX
(simult.) –best winning smile with a little slicked comb over my hair.
[BRYN CHUCKLES]
BEN
Yup.
NATHANIEL
(simult, coaxing) Eh? Ahh?
BEN
(simult.) I’ll sigh, and be like… kind of still shaking a bit but get round–
NATHANIEL
Eh?
BEN
–behind him and start pushing him down the right-hand–
NATHANIEL
Uh–no–no!
CARL
DON’T WEAR YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LASS FROM HALIFAX.
BEN
With his–
NATHANIEL
No.
BEN
With my pistol jammed in the small of his back.
NATHANIEL
Oh, come on! You know that I’m good for it! Like–everything’s fine!
CIGARILLO
Look, shut up, there’s nothing you can do, I’ve got your gun.
CARL
COME ON.
CIGARILLO
All right?
CARL
(simult.) ALL RIGHT, AFTER ZEKE, COME ON, LADS.
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.
CIGARILLO
Wait. The w–ohh no, I musta dropped it! Sorry, I’ve lost your gun.
NATHANIEL
Oh come on! That’s awful! I’m so annoyed!
JONNY
Further down that passage it goes on for quite a while, getting deeper and deeper. And it splits off into what looks likely to be a small network of passages.
ALEX
I, very slowly, to show that I’m not trying to pick a fight… pull out my hidden knife…
JONNY
(chuckling) Mm-hm?
ALEX
…and etch an arrow, scratching it into the rock, pointing back the way we came. And then very slowly and obviously for everyone, put it back where it came from.
ZEKE
That’s good thinking, Fletcher. Maybe you’re not so useless after all.
CIGARILLO
Oh. Wait, uhhh… uh–the–could someone hold my gun? Please, I just–
NATHANIEL
I can hold the gun.
CIGARILLO
Could someone else hold my gun?
BRYN
I…
CIGARILLO
Thanks, Zeke.
BEN
And I’m gonna load the rifle.
JONNY
Oh yeah, (laughing) you didn’t actually reload it–
BEN
(simult.) No, no.
JONNY
(simult.) –after your shot!
BEN
So is it bolt-action, or…
JONNY
It doesn’t matter. It’s one shot.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
You reload it.
BEN
Cool.
CARL
I’VE GOT SOME EXPERIENCE, UHHH, TRACKING ANIMALS. WHEN YOU’RE OUT HERE FOR AS LONG AS I’VE BEEN, IN, UH, LIKE, DEEP AMERICAN… WEST. I’VE NOT ACQUIRED THE ACCENT, OBVIOUSLY, BUT I HAVE ACQUIRED… A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TRACKING EXPERIENCE. SO I’M GONNA LOOK AROUND.
JAMES
It–
JONNY
Probably used to be a poacher, back in Yorkshire.
JAMES
Yeah, probably! Carl starts picking things up and just licking them, going:
CARL
OH–THAT’S NOT FECES.
[BEN LAUGHS]
CARL
THAT’S NOT FECES.
ALEX
(laughing) Oh for god’s sake.
CARL
THAT’S NOT FECES.
JONNY
Meanwhile, what does Zeke do?
[ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
JONNY
(laughing) Zeke is now…
[ALEX SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT]
JONNY
…bizarrely, the driving force of the plot.
BRYN
Guys, I just have to say: I’m enjoying so much being the airhead jock…
[LAUGHTER]
BRYN
…in a horror movie scenario!
[ALEX LAUGHING]
BRYN
I’m the idiot who never learned how horror movies work.
[JAMES AND BEN CHUCKLE]
ALEX
This is great.
BRYN
I’m gonna ask Carl which way we should go.
JAMES
Do I do some sort of tracking roll?
JONNY
Yeah, you can roll Tracking!
JAMES
Cool.
BEN
Thought you were just gonna lick rocks and call them feces.
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
Yeah. 4.
JONNY
The… third thing you lick… is still not feces.
[ALEX LAUGHING]
CARL
WHOAA, WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT.
JONNY
At which point you kind of give up on that particular method of tracking…
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JONNY
…and notice the large drag marks.
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
CARL
DRAG MARKS, HERE! FLETCHER, THERE’S A DRESS OVER HERE!
[ALEX LAUGHING]
BEN
That took a while for me to get that one.
JONNY
There’s…
[ALEX LAUGHING, HAVING JUST GOTTEN IT]
BEN
(laughing) There we go.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
(simult.) Thank you.
ALEX
(simult.) Sorry.
JAMES
Thank you.
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JAMES
Go on. Large drag marks.
JONNY
They’re quite old. You reckon… a couple of weeks, maybe. But they go from this passage through the dirt and curve into one of the tunnels leading off.
JAMES
Okay. Can I tell what has been dragged?
JONNY
It looks like people. It looks like a person. There are two lines as though legs have been dragged.
JAMES
Sure.
CARL
WELL IF THERE’S ONE THING I KNOW, IT’S THE MARKS MADE BY A BODY AS IT’S DRAGGED OUT BY A POSITION UNDER THE ARMS, ACROSS, INTO A PASSAGE, IN THE DIM DAR–A VERY SPECIFIC KNOWLEDGE. YOU CAN’T–IT’S BOARDING SCHOOLS IN YORKSHIRE.
ZEKE
So…
NATHANIEL
So–so it’s a–
ZEKE
This way.
NATHANIEL
–thing that carried a person away. Let’s list the animals that carry things away.
CIGARILLO
Uh, humans?
NATHANIEL
Yes. Okay? Humans are scary…
CIGARILLO
W–
NATHANIEL
…but they don’t steal, like… who–who do you know who skins people?
BRYN
I walk down that passage now that–
CIGARILLO
I–!
BRYN
–Carl’s pointed it out.
ALEX
I’m gonna continue bickering, whilst–
CIGARILLO
I–
ALEX
–being forced along this–
CIGARILLO
Look. I–I [indistinct] one guy in Brooklyn who said he’d skinned a guy!
JONNY
So, you two are heading…
[ALEX CHUCKLES]
JONNY
…down the passage–
JAMES
Yup.
JONNY
–you two are still bickering. So who is not currently carrying a lantern?
JAMES
Carl isn’t, because Carl is having a two-handed rifle.
JONNY
Cool.
BRYN
The rest of us have lanterns.
JONNY
(simult.) Good to know.
ALEX
(simult.) That’s true.
BEN
And although I’ve loaded my rifle I’m holding it like this.
JONNY
Yeah. So, you two are bickering, you two are heading down this passage. It leads to a smaller room, and in the walls, it’s got divots, sort of carved. And hanging from them… look to be very old hooks. Some of which… yes, have more skin on them. But in the corner is quite a well-kept looking chest. Or a trunk. Probably the sort you’d use for coach travel.
BRYN
I walk over to it, and attempt to open it.
JONNY
It is not locked. Inside, a lot of money, lot of jewelry, valuables, some small books, some guns, ammo, and quite a prominent leather-bound journal.
BRYN
I close the chest again…
JONNY
Mm-hm.
BRYN
…and say:
ZEKE
Hmm. This may not’ve been a wasted trip altogether. Let’s take this back to the horses.
BRYN
I don’t want to admit that I can’t read.
[DICE ROLLING]
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BEN
That’s fair enough.
JONNY
There is a gunshot. And your lantern explodes, plunging you into darkness.
BRYN
I curse loudly.
JONNY
Mm-hm. James!
JAMES
Mm-hm?
JONNY
Could you make me a Fighting roll?
[DICE ROLLING]
JAMES
7!
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
You feel yourself getting claws into your shoulders, and you are dragged away.
JAMES
Oh.
BEN
Do any of us see this? ‘Cause we’ve got two other lanterns.
JONNY
Well, that depends what sort of vocalizations you make.
CARL
NOOO, GET OFF ME, I’M NOT GIVING YOU A PIGGYBACK! GO ON! POO OFF WITH YE!
JAMES
Carl takes a rifle and starts shooting behind him.
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JAMES
As he moves.
BEN
Fair enough.
JONNY
Yup. There are gunshots. You see… just a few milliseconds of Carl being bodily lifted by… it looks like a skinless human with large pointed teeth, and wicked claws.
BRYN
I drop everything I’m holding except for my club, and I’m gonna just jump forward, and give a wild swing, above the level of Carl’s head?
JONNY
You’ll be making me a Fighting roll, -6 because it is pitch darkness.
BRYN
That seems fair!
[BEN CHUCKLES]
[DICE ROLLING]
BRYN
-4!
ALEX
Ooohh!
BRYN
I might use a–
ALEX
What? Ohhh.
BRYN
–reroll on that?
JONNY
Yup!
[DICE ROLLING]
BRYN
That was a 0, on my d10, so I’m gonna reroll it.
BEN
Nice.
BRYN
And a 4, so 14.
JONNY
Okay. Wow, all right. So with the—-it’s an e–yeah, okay, that’s a hit. Um…
[BEN CHUCKLES]
JONNY
…roll me your damage, please.
[ALEX CHUCKLES]
[DICE ROLLING]
BRYN
14!
JAMES
(simult.) And that… explodes.
BEN
(simult.) It explodes.
BRYN
Oh! The 8 explodes.
JONNY
The 8 explodes, ‘cause you are just…
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
…you are a huge…
BRYN
16!
JONNY
…horrible bruiser.
BRYN
16 damage!
JONNY
Uh, the club… smashes into something and you hear a squelch.
[JAMES LAUGHS]
JONNY
You are now no longer being gripped by… talons.
CARL
OH, THANKS FOR THAT, LAD. (shuddering) OOHH! OH, I’M ALL A-FLUSTER. I’VE GOT–I’VE GOT A BOILED SWEET AROUND, HANG ON.
BEN
Where are we and what’re we seeing during this little…
JONNY
You’ve heard–
BEN
…fracas?
JONNY
–a scream, and then a kinda squelchy hit sound.
JAMES
And then the sound of relieved Yorkshireman.
JONNY
Yes.
ALEX
I will… immediately drop my lantern, begin to flee, realize that there’s no light ‘cause we’re too deep, run back to grab my lantern.
BEN
At the same time, I’m gonna run forward with my gun…
JONNY
Okay.
BEN
…to try and help.
JONNY
Yeah–the scene that’s illuminated is an old Yorkshireman bleeding from the shoulders…
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BEN
Horrifying!
JONNY
…a large Southern man with a club, standing, looking very pleased with himself.
BRYN
I’m looking around to see if I can hit it again.
JONNY
You can see basically a flash of red disappearing down one of the tunnels.
CIGARILLO
(whispering) What–what…
ZEKE
I hurt it! Let’s follow it!
CIGARILLO
U–uh–y–y–yeah? No? (helplessly) Carl. What’re we doin’?
[JAMES LAUGHS]
CARL
I’M FURIOUS! I’M GONNA GET HIM! COME ON. COME ON!
CIGARILLO
(uncertainly) All right, I guess so.
CARL
I MUST’VE DROPPED ME… WERTHER’S ORIGINALS. WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?
JAMES
And he just begins patting himself down.
CARL
GOT ALL CONFUSED. YOU BUGGER, YOU’VE TAKEN ME MINTS! GO ON!
JONNY
Could you…
JAMES
Tracking?
JONNY
No, actually, Notice rolls, please.
JAMES
Notice rolls.
BEN
From everyone?
JONNY
Everyone, yes.
[MULTIPLE DICE ROLLING]
ALEX
Including people who are… failing to flee–[laughs]–(laughing) ‘cause they’re too incompetent to flee.
BEN
Waheyyy! 8 explodes.
[DICE ROLLING]
BEN
14.
BRYN
9.
JONNY
14.
JAMES
3.
JONNY
Cool.
BRYN
Ah, just like old times!
JAMES
I know.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
4!
JONNY
Bryn, you can pretty much hear where it’s going, and follow it through the tunnels. Ben. You hear what sounds like shouting, from… the direction of the entrance.
CIGARILLO
(hushed) Guys, I think the posse’s here! I can hear shouting at the entrance!
JONNY
And our… lovable coward…
[BEN LAUGHS]
JONNY
…was running away, I believe.
ALEX
I wasn’t aiming for lovable. (laughing) I was just aiming–
[JAMES LAUGHS]
ALEX
–at coward. If he came out lovable, that’s great.
JONNY
Uh, I–d–hateable coward.
ALEX
I am.
[BEN CHUCKLES]
BRYN
(chuckling) Yes.
ALEX
I have… picked up my lantern and I am fleeing to the entrance, because, you know what? You’re all great people. (laughs) But I’m not gonna die for you!
JONNY
Okay. As you run, you can see the light of the entrance approaching.
ALEX
Then everything’s fine!
JONNY
A silhouette steps into it.
ALEX
Am I able to tell anything more than a silhouette?
JONNY
It has a wide-brimmed hat…
ALEX
I immediately turn round and flee back into the cave.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
Okay.
BRYN
I respond to Cigarillo’s yell of “the posse is here” by:
ZEKE
Then the best thing to do is get deeper in these caves. Come on. Went that way.
CIGARILLO
(terrified) Sure thing.
JONNY
Okay. You follow it for a little while. It looks like… most of these chambers are empty. From what you can see. And there is one other nest that you find. There’s not as much skin in that one, it looks like most of the skin is in that strange wardrobe that you found. Alex.
ALEX
Yes.
JONNY
As you run back down…
ALEX
Yup.
JONNY
…in the light of your torch…
NATHANIEL
(whispering) Ca-caawww.
JONNY
…you can see something…
NATHANIEL
(whispering) Ca-caaaaawww.
JONNY
…something is running towards you.
[BRYN SAYS SOMETHING INDISTINCT UNDER JONNY]
JONNY
Something red, and angry. Please make me a Guts roll.
ALEX
Oh I’ve got no guts!
JONNY
Minus 2. Now, Deadlands has actually quite a complicated… fear roll system, because there is the Fear Level of the area, because… everywhere is a different level of spooky.
[BEN SNORTS]
JONNY
This place is… 3 spooky.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
Not 3 spooky! This is–
JONNY
It goes all the way up to 6 spooky, which is when the entire landscape–like, hills are skulls… uh…
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JONNY
…like, the road is made of bones, the trees are actually, like…
ALEX
But this is–this is–
JONNY
…just hands.
BEN
We’re gonna have to–
JAMES
How are the transport links in this area? Is it–is it afforadable? Is that…
JONNY
I mean, it depends on how many spikes you’re happy to have in your flesh, while you travel? Like, 6 is basically a hellscape.
JAMES
Southern Railways.
ALEX
(simult.) So this is a–
JAMES
(simult.) All right. Yeah, okay.
JONNY
(simult.) Yeah. Southern Rail.
BEN
So Alex is currently rolling to see if it’s 3 spooky, [indistinct].
JONNY
Basically, it’s 3 spooky, so -3. You’re a coward, so minus another 2.
BEN
Oh no.
JONNY
You do, however, have 1 point of Grit.
ALEX
Yeah!
JONNY
So that’s… +1.
ALEX
Yeahh!
JONNY
Because Grit is how numb you are to everything being horrible. So this is at -4!
ALEX
-4 and I have to hit 4?
JONNY
You have to hit 4. So you need an 8, essentially.
ALEX
So it has to explode…
JONNY
Yes.
ALEX
…or I lose.
[DICE ROLLING]
ALEX
Come on! [claps] He’s got a 6!
JONNY
He’s got a 6!
JAMES
(simult.) Hey!
BEN
(simult.) Okay! Y–I really hope your roll is a 1.
ALEX
Come on. Come on.
[DICE ROLLING]
ALEX
And a 4! HE’S GOT A 10!
JONNY
So… yeah, there’s a skinless angry toothy claw man running towards you, and… strangely, your adrenaline kicks in.
[ALEX BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
JONNY
(simult.) Rather than…
ALEX
(simult.) As opposed to all those false…
JONNY
…going the other way, what do you do? You are currently in the passageway between the entrance, and the fork.
[PAUSE]
JONNY
It is coming up from the fork. At the entrance is the silhouette of a man in a wide-brimmed hat.
ALEX
OHHHH, IT’S A COWARD’S NIGHTMARE! No matter where I flee, I flee towards death! I… am… going… to……
BRYN
Die.
ALEX
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING] Yes. Yes, I am.
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
I am going to draw my gun, if possible, and plant two shots in it, whilst continuing to run at it and desperately try and run around it in the narrow corridor, as ill-advised as that is.
JONNY
Make me a Shootin’ roll!
ALEX
Come on! [shaking dice] I can keep exploding these, right? That’s a thing that can happen.
[DICE ROLLING]
JONNY
I mean, in Savage Worlds, yes.
ALEX
I got a 5.
JONNY
That’s a hit. Roll me your damage’s damage.
ALEX
Okay, that’s 2d6. It’s all right, guys, I got this. I’m gonna save us all.
BEN
Mm-hm. Well, it’s already got 16–
[DICE ROLLING]
BEN
–so Bryn still saved you. If you die–if it dies.
ALEX
11!
BEN
And they explode if you’ve rolled a 6.
ALEX
Oh–! Okay. 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and then the second roll on the 6 was a further 2, so 13.
JONNY
- The bullets sink in its shoulder, which explodes, spraying bits of flesh and ichor and just nastiness all over the walls. It sort of tumbles. It’s not dead, and it’s not stopping, but it does mean you can just… press yourself against the wall, and let it kind of scramble past you. It’s not trying to kill you anymore, ‘cause you’ve hurt it.
ALEX
That’s fine. I am going to push my luck because I’m that foolish a character…
JONNY
Mm-hm.
ALEX
…and if possible, I’m going to try and swing the lantern at its head as it goes by me.
JONNY
[SNORTS] All right, uh…
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
…make me a…
ALEX
That’s–[laughs]–that’s a death snort. I know a death snort.
JONNY
Yeah, make me a Fighting roll at… -1, because it is it an improvised weapon.
ALEX
Fighting roll…
[DICE ROLLING]
ALEX
5 – 1.
JONNY
I mean, you sort of… shove the lantern in it, which casts its jagged horrible face in all sorts of shadows, and–
ALEX
That made things worse!
JONNY
Yeah, no, okay, you didn’t get a real good look at it when it was coming, now you have, and, mmm, no, okay. So, you’ve made things worse for yourself.
ALEX
That’s good. Great.
JONNY
It is currently running off towards the entrance.
ALEX
I then proceed to try and just run back to all of the other people who I know won’t kill me on sight.
JONNY
Okay.
BEN
(“that’s debatable”) Mmmm…
JONNY
Yup, you get back.
[JAMES LAUGHS]
JONNY
You get back into the tunnels.
NATHANIEL
(whispering) Ca-caawww! Ca-caaawww! Ca-caw!
BEN
We’re deeper in, right?
[ALEX CHUCKLES]
JONNY
You haven’t heard any real movement around, until someone runs in… shouting “ca-caw”…
[ALEX LAUGHING]
NATHANIEL
(laughing) Ca-caaawww!
BEN
(simult.) I’m gonna take a–
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Ca-caaawww.
BEN
–snap shot at the thing that runs in.
JONNY
Make me a Shooting roll.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BEN
In panic.
ALEX
(simult.) Please let the–
JONNY
(simult.) Is this with your big gun?
ALEX
(simult.) Please let the first death…
BEN
(simult.) No no, this is with the pistol.
JONNY
It’s with the pistol.
ALEX
(simult.) Please let the first death be you–
BEN
(simult.) ‘Cause I’ve got a lantern with that.
ALEX
–shooting me.
BEN
Well, that’s what happens when you burst into the room with really scared people with guns.
ALEX
(laughing) Yelling “ca-caw.”
[DICE ROLLING]
BEN
Yeah. 7.
JONNY
7! That’s a hit. Roll me your damage, please.
[ALEX LAUGHING]
[DICE ROLLING]
BEN
7.
JONNY
- Okay, what’s your Toughness?
ALEX
My Toughness is… 5!
JONNY
So that’s enough to Shake you, but not wound you. Basically, the… shoots–clips right past your ear.
ALEX
(sound of ears ringing) “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” [chuckles]
CIGARILLO
Oh jeez!
NATHANIEL
Ah–
CIGARILLO
Sorry, Fletcher!
NATHANIEL
Haaaahh. Haaahhh. (shaky whisper) Ca-caw. [continues ca-cawing quietly]
CARL
WHO IS IT? WELL, HE SHOULDN’T SNEAK UP ON PEOPLE LIKE THAT.
NATHANIEL
(pitch rising) Ca-caaaww.
CIGARILLO
Shut up.
NATHANIEL
I–I shot it. It’s not dead. And–and the sheriff’s here. And… the sheriff’s at the entrance, and the creature’s between us and the sheriff–which is a good thing! And I shot it, which is a good thing. But the creature’s there. Which is a bad thing. And it’s a creature! And it’s got no face! And it’s there! And it’s at the front.
CARL
RIGHT, WELL, HOW MANY OF THEM ARE THERE? IS IT JUST THIS ONE THAT’S BEEN WOUNDED? OR ARE THERE OTHERS AROUND?
CIGARILLO
Well, there were two nests, right?
CARL
WELL, TWO CHAMBERS WAS IMPL–UNLESS THE FIRST ONE WAS A SECOND HOMEOWNER. UM, WAS MAYBE–MAYBE HAD A LODGER OR SOMETHING.
CIGARILLO
D’you think it’s breeding?
ZEKE
Let’s go back to the entrance and see what’s going on.
NATHANIEL
No no no. You can’t, be–[nervous laugh]–y–you can’t, because the sheriff’s at the entrance.
CIGARILLO
So w–
NATHANIEL
Or at least something like a sheriff.
ZEKE
We’ll go back towards the entrance, and see what’s comin’.
CIGARILLO
There’s just one of them, there’s still four of us.
[PAUSE]
NATHANIEL
Yyyes. Okay.
ZEKE
We won’t engage unless we have to.
NATHANIEL
Okay.
CARL
AND EVEN IF WE DO, IT’S CORNERED, YOU KNOW? THERE’S JUST–IT’S A NARROW PASSAGE, THERE’S FOUR OF US WITH GUNS. AND SHERIFF AT OTHER END.
ALEX
I load my gun and place myself as central between (laughing) everyone else as possible!
JONNY
So you’re starting to head back up towards the entrance?
BRYN
Yeah.
JAMES
Mm-hm.
BRYN
Much more cautiously than before.
BEN
Who’s going first?
CARL
FLETCHER’S–
NATHANIEL
Not it!
CARL
(laughing) –GOING FIRST.
NATHANIEL
Not it.
BEN
Yeah. We’ll shuffle round and push him to the front.
[ALEX LAUGHING]
CARL
WELL VOLUNTEERED! SO ACTUALLY YOU’RE BUCKING UP THERE. WHEN I FIRST MET YOU, I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST A YELLOW-BELLIED… STREAK OF… YELLOW… BELLY. BUT IT TURNS OUT, ACTUALLY YOU’VE GOT SPINE! AND I THINK THAT’S NOT A MIXED METAPHOR. ON YOU GO.
CIGARILLO
I–I–I’ve got an idea. Carl, hold the lantern.
CARL
ALL RIGHT, YEAH, ON YOU GO.
BEN
I’m gonna grab my rifle, and rest it on Fletcher’s shoulder, and just sight down it as we walk up, so that he’s stabilizing it for me.
JONNY
Like a mobile Mad Max?
BEN
Yeah!
[JAMES LAUGHS]
ALEX
Fletcher… wise enough not to pick the fight, moves the lantern to his left hand, having already reloaded his gun, pockets his gun, and then puts his finger…
[LAUGHTER]
ALEX
…in his ear next to that gun, ‘cause… he’s a coward, he’s not an idiot.
JONNY
As you head up towards the entrance, you can start to hear voices. Drifting down.
VOICE 1: Abel! Abel, you say you still heard something?
VOICE 2: Yeah. Can’t see much, though.
VOICE 1: Gunshots, right, was it?
VOICE 2: Yeah. Dark, though.
VOICE 1: Well, you’ve been down here about 5 minutes. You ain’t gone any deeper?
VOICE 2: I ain’t gone any deeper. Spooky down there. Dunno what sorta critters might be in there.
VOICE 1: Well, we ain’t after critters. We’re after murderers.
VOICE 2: All right. Well, the others here?
VOICE 1: Yeah. (shouting) Hey! Anybody down there?
[PAUSE]
ALEX
As quiet–don’t all look to me like that!
[CHUCKLING]
ALEX
On audio–just the entire group look at me. As quietly as I possibly can, and I actually mean that… I turn meaningfully to look to everyone else and mouth:
NATHANIEL
(barely audible) Ca-caaaawww. Ca-caaaawww.
BRYN
I put one hand over his mouth.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
BRYN
And gesture to the other members of the party that we should cover the lanterns.
ALEX
I do so.
JAMES
Yeah.
VOICE 1: (shouting) Got twenty angry men out here! Gonna comb every inch of this damn cave ‘less you come out peaceful-like.
[PAUSE]
VOICE 1: Last chance.
CIGARILLO
(whispering) He said last chance. That means there’s not more chances after this!
JAMES
So can we see him–is he still, like, silhouetted against the mouth of the cave, or…
JONNY
You are not currently at a stage where you can…
JAMES
There’s no line of sight.
JONNY
No. Otherwise they would’ve seen your lanterns.
JAMES
Oh, right, yeah, of course.
BRYN
I shout:
ZEKE
Come and get us if you want us!
[CIGARILLO SPLUTTERING VERY QUIETLY]
JAMES
Carl drops to one knee in order to steady himself and he aims up the…
ALEX
Am I still stood here–
BEN
Yeah.
ALEX
(laughing) –as human meat shield?
BRYN
No, no. So I will… position the lanterns on the floor either side of the passageway, uncover them, and gesture to everyone to back off a little.
BEN
Okay.
ALEX
If people will allow it, I’ll uncover my lantern and point it immediately behind us in towards the dark terrifying tunnel.
BEN
So I’m going down on a knee as well, with my rifle, and, yeah. Shaking slightly. But yeah.
BRYN
Let them come into the light first.
VOICE 1: What’re you thinkin’?
VOICE 2: Well, I reckon if, uh, we head down there… they got the advantage. S’a bottleneck.
[PAUSE]
VOICE 2: I say we dynamite up the entrance. Leave ‘em here.
CIGARILLO
(whispering) Zeke, what do we do?
VOICE 1: Sounds like a decent plan, Abel.
[PAUSE]
VOICE 1: Let’s do that.
CIGARILLO
Come on, Carl, you’ve been doing this the longest, what do we do?
CARL
RIGHT, WELL, IF THERE’S ONE THING THAT I AS A TRUE-BLOODED YORKSHIREMAN KNOW, IT’S THE DANGERS OF CAVE-INS IN MINING SCENARIOS.
[BRYN LAUGHING]
ALEX
(laughing) For god’s sake.
CARL
WE DO NOT WANNA GET STUCK DOWN HERE.
CIGARILLO
Okay. So… we’re gonna rush ‘em?
NATHANIEL
Flee?
ZEKE
Fine. Let’s rush ‘em, then.
CIGARILLO
Okay. Hey Fletcher, you go first.
NATHANIEL
(hastily) No, it’s okay, I–I–I, uh… I–I’ve got your back.
[ZEKE SIGHS HEAVILY]
BRYN
I start running.
JONNY
Okay.
BEN
I’ll follow Zeke, then.
JONNY
There are… twenty of them, outside.
BEN
Oh dear.
JONNY
All armed. And… as you run, Abel dives to the side, and shouts something, and they all start shooting. You are all… shot… to pieces.
BEN
Awww.
JAMES
Awwwwww.
JONNY
And, as they turn to ride off, and leave your moldering bodies for the Arizona sun… the one called Abel just…
BEN
Yeah.
JONNY
…readjusts his face.
[JAMES GASPS]
JONNY
Ever so slightly.
[ALEX MAKING QUIET FRUSTRATED NOISES]
BEN
Yeah. Ahhhh.
ALEX
Should’ve fleed. Fled. Floweden.
JAMES
Where?
ALEX
Anywhere.
[JAMES SPLUTTERING]
ALEX
Just fleeing as an action.
JONNY
To be fair, gut-shotting the sheriff… kind of… signed a lot of your death warrants.
[JAMES LAUGHS]
BEN
I think all of our death warrants, it sounds like.
JONNY
Yeah.
JAMES
Yeah.
JONNY
Yeah.
[BEN CHUCKLES]
JONNY
Thank you all for joining us for this… spooky… skinny…
ALEX
Massacre.
JONNY
…massacre.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
Because a Halloween episode that ends with all of the players alive, and sane, is not a… good one.
[LAUGHTER]
JONNY
And don’t even get me started on the characters.
[ALEX AND BEN LAUGH]
JAMES
Eyyyyyyyyyyyy!
BEN
Eyyyyyy.
JONNY
Pretty funny, ‘cause I implied I’d killed you all.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JAMES
Ah!
BEN
Aw, but it–then we went “ey,” and–aw, it’s–
ALEX
Aww. Well–
JONNY
No, it’s fine. It’s been–
JAMES
But is it our GHOOOSTS SAYING THAT?
BEN
I mean–woooOOOOOOooooooo!
JAMES
WoooooOOOOooooooo, my HAND’S just gone through the table! Twiiiice!
JONNY
What’s that, Lydia’s ghost? No, I don’t think he will shut up.
[LAUGHTER]
JAMES
This is what Hell is, Lydia! Me talking near you, for aaaaall eteeeeernity!
ALEX
Yeah, thank–
JONNY
(simult.) And with that…
ALEX
(simult.) –thanks for coming, Jonny, I appreciate it.
[BEN AND JAMES LAUGH]
JONNY
Thank you all. Thank you for listening, and tune in next time, when your regularly scheduled…
JAMES
Mucking-around time.
[ALEX LAUGHS]
JONNY
…mucking-around time, will be… less… sinister.
[ALEX AND BEN CHUCKLE]
JONNY
So.
BEN
Well.
JONNY
That’ll be nice.
[BEN LAUGHS]
ALEX
Bye, guys.
ALL
Bye!
NATHANIEL
(simult.) Ate it while I was–
CARL
(simult.) [indistinct] TO WEARING HUMAN SKIN AND DANCING AROUND? THAT’S MADNESS! EVEN IF IT WERE DOING A WALTZ, THE MOST APPROPRIATE DANCE FOR THIS TIME OF THE MORNING AT THIS STAGE, IN THE SEASON, THAT WOULD BE LUDICROUS! YOU’LL BE SAYING IT WAS WEARING A FANCY TOP HAT AND TAILS, NEXT! AND TOASTING THE MACARENA!
JONNY
There’s not as much skin in that one, it looks like most of the skin is in that strange wardrobe that you found.
CARL
IT’S LIKE A VERY SINISTER EPISODE OF MR. BENN.
[ALEX AND BRYN BURST OUT LAUGHING]
ALEX
That’s so niche.
JONNY
I mean, to be honest, all episodes of Mr. Benn are sinister if you overthink them.
JAMES
Mmmm.
[BRYN LAUGHS]
ALEX
Mr. Benn being a kid’s TV show in Britain from years and years and years ago. Just, you know.
JONNY
(simult.) Where a very middle-class man–
ALEX
(simult.) About costumes.
JONNY
–in a bowler hat puts on other hats in a costume shop, and becomes all sorts of… spacemen, knights, and even, at some points, a cowboy!
JAMES
Mmmm!
ALEX
It’s Mr. Benn!
JAMES
(simult.) WHAAAAAAAAAAAT.
ALEX
(simult.) Whaaat?
JAMES
(simult.) HOW DEEP DOES THIS RABBIT HOLE GO?
JONNY
(simult.) What a twist!
[BEN LAUGHING]
JAMES
NOOOOOOOO!
JONNY
It’s not a faceless thing.
ALEX
I stand by–
JONNY
(simult.) It just doesn’t have–
ALEX
(simult.) –my statement.
JONNY
–the skin between the face.
ALEX
I stand by my panicked statement of–
JONNY
(simult.) The moustache, for instance.
ALEX
(simult.) “It does not have a face.”
JONNY
It doesn’t have a moustache.
JAMES
Eughhhh.
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JONNY
This is the Old West, so…
JAMES
(simult.) Yeah!
BEN
(simult.) Yeah.
JONNY
…the correct reaction, there.
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JAMES
Ughhhhh!
JONNY
Mr. James.
JAMES
Euughhhh.
ALEX
It’s all right.
BEN
No, that’s cool.
ALEX
My backup was to prete–was to shoot myself with my own gun in the shoulder, tie myself up, and (laughing) claim I was a hostage.
[JONNY AND ALEX BURST OUT LAUGHING]
JAMES
It’s quite a good one.
BRYN
Wow.
[ALEX LAUGHING]
JAMES
Yeah.
JONNY
Oh, that’s… that–
BEN
Love that.
JONNY
–would’ve been lovely.
JAMES
Yeah.