MAG160.05 - Magnus Bloopers Special • The Magnus Archives Transcripts Archive Archive A (Extremely Unofficial)

[CLICK]

ALEX NEWELL

There we go. Okay, one more time –

[fingers snapping / clapping sounds]

BRYN MONROE

This is how we’re gonna put the musical together.

ALEX NEWELL

And a one and a two and a –

[barbershop quartet-style vocalizing]

[LAUGHTER]

MELANIE / LYDIA NICHOLAS

[singing] Got shot by a ghost ~

BRYN MONROE

[singing] Childhood trauma ~

ALEX NEWELL

So here we go. Everyone –

BRYN MONROE

[singing] I’m just angry –

MELANIE / LYDIA NICHOLAS

[singing] La-da la-da –

ALEX NEWELL

Ev-everyone –

[CLICK]

[FROM EPISODE 101, ‘ANOTHER TWIST’:]

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

[MUFFLED INDIGNATION]

NIKOLA / JESSICA LAW

All right, I’ll just ask them to pick up a selection.

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

[EVEN MORE MUFFLED INDIGNATION]

ALEX NEWELL

Great.

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

Cut to Breekon and Hope in the nearest Boots.

[LAUGHTER]

BREEKON / MARTIN CORCORAN

[in-character] Olay with five essential oils’ll probably do the trick. Wot do you fink, Hope?

HOPE / STEVEN VIOLICH

[in-character] I’m gonna ask wot the Star Gift is this month [laughter] [unintelligible] that’ll get me enough club card points.

[LAUGHTER]

HOPE / STEVEN VIOLICH

[in-character] I’m gonna get a bottle of ‘ead and Shoulders, ‘cause I found one on the road the other day.

[LAUGHTER]

BREEKON / MARTIN CORCORAN

[in-character] We do pick up odd roadkill, don’t we? But a man’s got to eat.

[CLICK]

[FROM EPISODE 92, ‘NOTHING BESIDE REMAINS’:]

ELIAS / BEN MEREDITH

The easily digestible sort that wipe away any doubt and fear, and neatly organise –

[DOORBELL RINGS]

– your new world into [voice rising in anger] happy little doorbells!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[dramatic, like a villain scolding a minion] Doooorbellll!

ALEX NEWELL

Who’s here at twelve?

ELIAS / BEN MEREDITH

[like a cranky grandma] Fifty minutes early!

[CLICK]

[FROM EPISODE 101, ‘ANOTHER TWIST’:]

MICHAEL / LUKE BOOYS

[in-character] The Worker of Clay had labeled for decades on that –

ALEX NEWELL

Laboured.

MICHAEL / LUKE BOOYS

– Labeled, did I say again.

ALEX NEWELL

[spooky voice] With his Labelmaker of Doom.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX NEWELL

[unintelligible] Labels in the sky.

MICHAEL / LUKE BOOYS

[does The Michael Laugh] Gosh, I’m knackered, I’ve been doing all of this labeling.

[LAUGHTER]

[CLICK]

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

[whispered] Water break.

[drinking sounds]

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

Mmm, delicious water. I mean, you’re still listening to me drink water, so it’s not that much less disgusting, but –

ALEX NEWELL

The problem is that you’re human.

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

Yeah, I know, and humans are gross.

ALEX NEWELL

Just set that aside and –

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

[Jonny speaks over the rest] Gross meat sacks. We’re all disgusting meat sacks.

ALEX NEWELL

[mumbled] Speak for yourself.

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

I’m sorry, I forgot how glorious and chrome you are, Alex.

ALEX NEWELL

That’s – that’s damn right.

[CLICK]

[FROM EPISODE 99, ‘DUST TO DUST’:]

GERTRUDE / SUE SIMS

Now it’s just a matter of narrowing down the specissics of j – [laughter, slurred-sounding nonsense babbling]

ALEX NEWELL

Gertrude’s been on the sauce. I knew it.

GERTRUDE / SUE SIMS

[slurred] Zeez leetle [unintelligible] researches as oblebended by ebliev a Nozz Amererka [unintelligible]

[LAUGHTER]

[CLICK]

[FROM EPISODE 92, ‘NOTHING BESIDE REMAINS’:]

ELIAS / BEN MEREDITH

I went to Egypt once with the Royal Society, to the temple of Ramses [doorbell] the Second in –

[DOORBELL RINGS]

ALEX NEWELL

[muffled] That’s gonna start happening, I’m afraid…

ELIAS / BEN MEREDITH

[remaining in-character] – in Abu Doorbell.

[CLICK]

TIM / MIKE LEBEAU

You can lean on the thing, yeah.

MELANIE / LYDIA NICHOLAS

Don’t unlean.

ALEX NEWELL

Here’s the thing. You can lean, as long as you stay leaning, ‘cause when you do this [thumping sounds, presumably of an elbow hitting the table] – Jonny does this all the time [thump] and it’s just like, that’s garbage. Right, should we try this –

TIM / MIKE LEBEAU

[overlapping] You just get a “bump” –

MELANIE / LYDIA NICHOLAS

[overlapping with Alex, louder] Fuck you, Jonny…! God, he drags the rest of us down!

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX NEWELL

I know. Like, if you remove him from The Magnus Archives what you’re left with is –

MELANIE / LYDIA NICHOLAS

[overlapping] – is pure –

ALEX NEWELL

– a glorious “Mrs. Brown’s Boys” clone. But he was like, “Nooo, let’s make it a horror.”

[LAUGHTER]

MELANIE / LYDIA NICHOLAS

What a wanker.

TIM / MIKE LEBEAU

What a wanker.

ALEX NEWELL

Right.

[CLICK]

[FROM EPISODE 143, ‘HEART OF DARKNESS’]

ALEX NEWELL

Careful of enunciation.

HELEN / IMOGEN HARRIS

Okay.

ALEX NEWELL

You… went a bit London on me. You dropped a few “t”’s and so on.

[gasps]

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS (BASIRA / FRANK VOSS?)

[overlapping] Goodness, goodness.

HELEN / IMOGEN HARRIS

[astonished, pleased] That’s never happened the whole of my life, I’m quite excited!

ALEX NEWELL

Yeah, you’ve been –

HELEN / IMOGEN HARRIS

Been here fifteen years, this is great.

ALEX NEWELL

You’ve been consistently dropping a “t” –

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

Will she be coming back? [exaggerated accent] Naaahh.

HELEN / IMOGEN HARRIS

[exaggerated accent] Leave it. You’re ‘aving a laugh, innt ya?

ALEX NEWELL

So [exaggerated accent] thought you might like a way ‘ome.

HELEN / IMOGEN HARRIS

Cor bleeding blimey, guvna!

[CLICK]

ALEX NEWELL

Can we just telegraph that to the audience as well – a version that’s, just, alllmost over the top. Push it as –

GERTRUDE / SUE SIMS

You don’t quite want a,

[WICKED WITCH CACKLE]

[Alex laughing]

GERTRUDE / SUE SIMS

[calmly] – but that sort of thing?

[CLICK]

[FROM EPISODE 104, ‘SNEAK PREVIEW’:]

TIM / MIKE LEBEAU

Well, me neither. But here we are. So my proposal for you is this: either kill me or fuck off.

[shocked pause]

No. He. Did. Not!

ELIAS / BEN MEREDITH

[offended] A swear. A swear??

TIM / MIKE LEBEAU

[offended squeaky voice] A swear?

ELIAS / BEN MEREDITH

[in-character, angry] Tim. I might be an eldritch monster, but that is unacceptable.

[LAUGHTER]

TIM / MIKE LEBEAU

In eldritch horror lore, this is not part of the process that we go through.

ELIAS / BEN MEREDITH

[in-character, enraged] We aren’t here “effing” and “jeffing” like a common street harlot! This is the Institute, dammit! [pounds on tabletop] We have decorum!

ALEX NEWELL

You’ll say “blimey,” and you’ll be glad of it!

ELIAS / BEN MEREDITH

[threatening] Yes. Maybe a darn if you’re feeling lucky.

[CLICK]

[a sigh]

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

We’re all secretly allergic to Alex, it’s just some of us forget to take our antihistamines.

[sniffling]

[CLICK]

ALEX NEWELL

I hate Jonny. I hate that he’s written every single word I can’t pronounce in a single statement.

[CLICK]

DAISY / FAY ROBERTS

I hated the cufflinks. [laughter] What? Those fucking cufflinks!

BASIRA / FRANK VOSS

I hate your cufflinks!

ALEX NEWELL

Those dress uniforms as they give out the medals, it’s like “why? I like my cuffs flappy!”

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

These were – They were a gift from Mr. Spider

[LAUGHTER]

DAISY / FAY ROBERTS

Fucking novelty cufflinks – just brings down the tone.

[CLICK]

ALEX NEWELL

I like to think that Peter’s gone off kayaking with Tim now.

PETER / ALASDAIR STUART

Yeah.

ALEX NEWELL

I also weirdly think Peter’s an amazing dad to Tim.

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

Yeah, but the thing is – it’s kind of awkward, because Peter would much rather be kayaking alone.

ALEX NEWELL

Yeah, but Tim’s so oblivious he would be there forever, and never realise.

PETER / ALASDAIR STUART

Just accidentally nurturing.

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

Just, “Hey Peter! You wanna – go do this?” “Yes, fine…”

PETER / ALASDAIR STUART

[in-character, resigned] “Yes, of course.” [as Tim:] “I’m going antiquing.” [as Peter:] “Sounds fun!”

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

[as Tim:] “I’m not interrupting your book, am I?”

ALEX NEWELL

Peter Lukas, as the dad, doesn’t like the son, but still pays for college, all of the clubs, drove him to every single thing, and objectively was actually quite good to be around.

Um, [snaps] what am I doing [snaps] OK, you’re all good, you’re all good, still record –

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

[as Tim:] “Oh, sorry Peter, I think I DVRed over that documentary you wanted.”

PETER / ALASDAIR STUART

[as Tim:] “Oh, it was the trains one, I know you like that.”

[LAUGHTER]

[CLICK]

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

I think that works. That’s –

ALEX NEWELL

[overlapping] That there, that’s –

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

[singing] 154 is complete / Ba da da da da / There’s two “fuck”s in it / Da da da da.

ALEX NEWELL

[singing] That’s our quota for season four.

THE ARCHIVIST / JONNY SIMS

Yep.

ALEX NEWELL

[singing] And maybe season five!