MAG Duskhollow PD - Part 1

JONNY

Hello! It’s Jonny here!

[LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND]

Jonny from The Magnus Archives, you remember! We are playing a role playing game as part of our season break content, so I have with me here some other people! So, uh, who do we have?

FRANK

I’m Frank and I voice Basira.

LOWRI

Hello, I am Lowri and I produce The Magnus Archives.

ALEX

I’m Alex, I voice Martin and do, like, other shows as well.

SASHA

And I’m Sasha, I voice Georgie.

JONNY

Fantastic, so we are going to be playing a game of Duskhollow PD, which is a setting from MacGuffin & Company, which is mine and Sasha’s games company, just – case you didn’t know –

ALEX

They make games.

JONNY

Yeah, we do.

FRANK

The nepotism.

JONNY

It is a system neutral micro setting, so we are going to be playing it using The Cthulhu Hack, which is a very simple rules light investigation and cosmic horror system by Paul Baldowski, and yeah, it’s gonna be some spooky, probably a little bit funny, but mainly spooky times.

ALEX

And I’m sure with a name like The Cthulhu Hack, everything’s gonna go fine

JONNY

[overlapping] It’s just a standard – just a standard, normal police procedural!

ALEX

[continuing] With no complications.

LOWRI

Ready for a gentle time.

JONNY

Yeah, no, absolutely, absolutely.

ALEX

Something like “the water cooler is out of water” is our big problem for the session.

JONNY

I mean that – that would be a problem for the – the whole department.

SASHA

I can’t wait to interview little old ladies that are just little old ladies and nothing more.

JONNY

So the idea behind Duskhollow PD is: Duskhollow is a weird town. The rain never stops, the crimes are all horrific and you guys? You’re the police who have to investigate all these definitely normal crimes.

ALEX

[whispering] Extremely normal crimes.

JONNY

The normalest. Duskhollow is somewhat of a city out of time? You might ask where it is, to which I would say… [makes inquisitive noise]. Probably –

LOWRI

Yes.

JONNY

Yeah.

[BACKGROUND LAUGHTER]

Yeah. It’s probably Britain, but you know, Britain where a lot of people have sort of noir American accents.

ALEX

Cardiff, then.

[LAUGHTER]

JONNY

[overlapping] Probably.

LOWRI

[overlapping] Not Cardiff!

JONNY

The rain never stops, unless it’s high summer when it’s perfect arson weather, dry and hot.

LOWRI

That does sound like Cardiff.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

I was going to say, it stops raining? That’s not Wales, then. It can’t be Wales.

LOWRI

Hey, there’s a reason it’s so green, okay.

JONNY

Technology is fixed for each thing at the perfect noir level, so all the phones are rotary, some of the bars still run on gas light, there is an internet connection at the library. It’s an old CRT monitor and it works – the dial-up connection works at one revelation per case.

ALEX

Yep.

JONNY

Your car is a 1956 Ford police car and you all have 1920s detective special revolvers. And at the police station most people are still going on typewriters. Or at least there’s the background sound of typewriters, even if everyone’s actually filling in their extensive case reports mostly by hand.

ALEX

So when I say zoom enhance, someone just holds the newspaper slightly closer at me?

[LAUGHTER]

JONNY

Yes. Well, no. I mean who knows, maybe forensics has some really high tech, like they might have microscopes that have a screen. Yeah.

[VARIOUS PEOPLE “OOH”]

ALEX

I like that.

JONNY

As they find that, [dramatic] wait… this sample… it just doesn’t make sense.

[SOMEONE GASPS DRAMATICALLY]

ALEX

Unless it’s a perfectly normal crime, like all [unintelligible] crimes.

JONNY

[overlapping] Yeah, obviously it’s a perfectly normal crime

LOWRI

[overlapping] Normal.

JONNY

So the rules of the setting are as follows: first up, player characters cannot laugh. You guys can laugh and your player characters can occasionally make the… you know, a grim quip here and there but they cannot laugh. They are not having a good time. All cases must have at least one mundane lead followed before anything even remotely supernatural can be brought up by the characters, with the exception of, well, one of you. Which we’ll get to in a second.

[LAUGHTER]

LOWRI

Wonder who that could be.

JONNY

There are no ghosts. Lots of weirdness – no ghosts. Everyone in Duskhollow thinks ghosts are ridiculous. And finally, everyone in the Duskhollow Police Department is overworked, jaded, and has no time to be forming grand unified theories of weirdness. With one exception, which we will get to in a second. So, before we go through a little bit of system explanation, let’s go around the table and just have a quick introduction to everyone’s characters.

FRANK

I’m Frank, again. I’m playing Carl Husselback, who is the sergeant. He… is a man?

JONNY

Doesn’t have to be. But he could be.

[LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND]

Probably is, let’s say he is.

FRANK

[fake offended] Don’t undermine my choices, Jonny!

JONNY

[overlapping] Okay, I’m sorry, no, you were right, you were right.

FRANK

He’s a, you know, he’s a man who places a lot of emphasis on arrests and not enough emphasis on, you know, paperwork or evidence or due process.

JONNY

Yes, one thing that I should point out, and we’ve had a conversation about this beforehand, is player characters in Duskhollow are or were bad cops. Good cops don’t end up in Duskhollow. So we’ve had a conversation off air about what aspects of bad or corrupt policing we’re comfortable portraying in a fun recording, so that will be feeding into the characters that we are playing. Lowri?

LOWRI

So I am playing Emma Walensky. She’s got a squint. She’s a conspiracy theorist, doesn’t trust anyone and has ended up in Duskhollow because… [briefly high-pitched] it hasn’t been proven but maybe she may have… in the interest of proving to the rest of the world what she already knows –

JONNY

[overlapping] Intricate conspiracies require evidence.

LOWRI

They do require evidence and I know. But the world doesn’t know. So she may have tampered with some evidence in the past.

JONNY

So, obviously your character is the exception to the, “you can’t make connections and you can’t leap immediately to bizarre conclusions”. You can do that as much as you want.

LOWRI

How do you feel about Emma’s belief in ghosts?

JONNY

Emma can probably believe in ghosts but everyone thinks you’re an idiot.

ALEX

I lost my cat. Ghosts!

[LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND]

LOWRI

Ghosts! It was ghosts, I tell you.

ALEX

[overlapping] [unintelligible] [drawn out dramatically] Ghooosts!

JONNY

Alex.

ALEX

I am playing Archie Murdoch, who is a rookie beat cop, that’s Archie Murdoch of the… Duskhollow, right?

JONNY

Uh, yes.

ALEX

Yeah, Archie Murdoch of the Duskhollow Murdochs, and Archie is a cop insofar as, technically graduated from the [questioning] academy?

JONNY

Actually thinking about it – your family might actually be from Morgan’s Hill –

ALEX

[overlapping] Ah, there we go.

JONNY

[overlapping] – which is the bright, lovely neighboring town just over the river to Duskhollow –

ALEX

[overlapping] Okay, there we go, that makes sense.

JONNY

– and it’s a bit of a disgrace that you’ve ended up with a – with a beat in Duskhollow.

ALEX

But it’s fine because Archie just makes a point of telling everyone that it was – it was a choice ‘cause this is where, you know, the most work’s needed.

JONNY

Yeah, like honestly, the Du– the Morgan’s Hill Police Department? They do very little. There’s – there’s a lot of helping old ladies across the streets.

ALEX

You can only recapture the same swan so many times –

[LAUGHTER]

– before it starts to feel like it’s just not real police work.

JONNY

Absolutely. They have a lot of, like, dress uniform functions but, I mean, you’ve never really seen a Morgan’s Hill police officer not in dress uniform.

ALEX

What I would say though is a lot of people claim that to be, you know, a good cop you’ve got to have, you know, skills, training, experience. What Archie has is – is a can-do attitude. Which is basically the same thing, right?

FRANK

If you believe you can do, then maybe you can do.

ALEX

Participants still get a medal right?

SASHA

[background, overlapping] And you do a lot.

[LAUGHTER]

JONNY

And, Sasha.

SASHA

I am playing Gabrielle Schreiber, a no-nonsense detective who takes an attitude to police thing of like “there are definitely patterns to crimes and they can always, always be solved by just looking for the simplest solution”. Like all murders are done by spouses and if the neighbor says that they saw the victim’s brother, like, turning up with an axe, knocking down the door, and then leaving covered in blood? They probably didn’t –

JONNY

[overlapping] Circumstantial evidence.

SASHA

It’s always the spouse. Circumstantial evidence. It’s always the spouse.

JONNY

You are playing, I believe the skeptic.

SASHA

I’m playing a skeptic, yes.

JONNY

Okay!

ALEX

Sweeping statements are the best statements, is what you’re saying.

SASHA

Mmm.Yes!

[SASHA AND ALEX LAUGH]

FRANK

Generalizations exist for a reason.

SASHA

Yes.

JONNY

So. The Cthulhu hack is, by way of various indie games, a very very loosely based on first edition D&D. So what you have, is you have your six main stats that are the same as Dungeons and Dragons, so strength, dexterity, constitution, wisdom, intelligence, and charisma. You have a score in each of them from two to twenty and these are for your saves. You will be rolling them whenever you are trying to not come to some sort of harm. That can be physical harm – you’re rolling dexterity to dodge a missile. No one’s firing missiles at you in Duskhollow, don’t you worry – or intelligence to solve a puzzle before a ceiling collapses on you. Or charisma to not be convinced that your partner is [stage whispering] secretly a shape-shifter who you should probably just, you know, just take out.

ALEX

Protip for the rest of the party, notice he only said missiles weren’t going to happen, so that means that the other two are a given. Okay?

JONNY

So when you need to make a save, you take a 20-sided dice, you roll it and if it is under your score, you have succeeded. If it is equal to or over, you have failed.

ALEX

Ah First Ed., you’re so strange and interesting to me.

JONNY

I – to be fair, I don’t think I, like [stutters] – it’s a very – emphasis on hack?

[ALEX AND SASHA LAUGH]

Um, because it was, I think, his first edition went into the black hack and then the black hack became the Cthulhu ha– there’s a whole pedigree, but if you’re rolling with advantage, you roll two 20 sided dice, two d20s, and take the lowest. If you’re rolling with disadvantage, you roll two and take the highest. Now, alongside your core stats, you also have resources. These are things you use to advance the stories, find clues, and do your investigation. So you have Flashlights, which are to find clues by examining areas, reading books, you know, nerd stuff. Then you have Smokes: that is what you use to find clues by talking to people, social interaction. You will also have a list of supplies which are things that you personally have, that you can use to solve problems, move the investigation forward, etc. Each of these is a die type, from a d4 to a d12, and the way it works is if you’re using it, you succeed. You – you – what you want to happen works. You then roll the dice and on a 1 or a 2 something bad happens as a consequence of your success and your dice type goes down one, so if you were rolling a d8, it’s now a d6 for the next time. If you roll a 1 or 2 on a d4, you are out of that resource and something real bad happens. So, your Flashlights and your Smokes and your supplies are all things, they’re – they’re resources that you spend to advance the investigation and… you kind of don’t want to run out of them. For instance, Frank you’ll notice that Husselback has a hip flask [Frank makes an affirmative noise] that has a die type of d4. That means if we were using your hip flask to solve a problem, that’s a high-risk move.

ALEX

New – new party goal, we have to make it so that this story must advance by removing your sobriety.

[LAUGHTER]

[dramatically] It’s the only solution to this problem, guys!

LOWRI

Achieve a higher plane.

JONNY

You also all have some special abilities, which we’ll get into as and when they come up, and I have… nicked a little bit from Trail Of Cthulhu, where everyone has various expertises or skills that dictate who gets what clues. I’ve kind of incorporated that into this so everyone has a list of expertises, what that means is given a lot of you are probably going to be at the same crime scenes at various points, it dictates who gets what clues. If there’s a clue about, say, [blows out air] accounting? Who has accounting?

LOWRI

I really hope it’s Alex.

ALEX

Oh, very much not.

FRANK

Oh no, it’s your sergeant.

JONNY

Your sergeant has accounting as an expertise, so if you’re going over some account books, you’re the one who gets those clues.

FRANK

I understand money.

ALEX

And if the numbers get too confusing, you can use your hip flask d4 to make those numbers line right up.

SASHA

Or at least double.

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

I’ve fixed the budget crisis, guys!

JONNY

Also your expertises can potentially serve as hints in terms of.. if you’re trying to think of ways to advance the investigation, just have a look at your expertises and see what options might be there. Lastly, you have damage dice, which are how much damage you do unarmed or armed, if you somehow get into a fight. You have a stress dice, called a sanity dice in the Cthulhu hack but I prefer to contextualise these things as stress, because within the context of Duskhollow, it’s much more… very intense periods of horrific things occurring in short order, which can, let’s say, lead to some extreme reactions. Rather than [dramatic voice] you’re gradually going mad!

ALEX

Well also, I mean, indescribable horrors don’t tend to come across great in an entirely audio format where we have to describe all the horrors.

SASHA

[overlapping] That never stopped Lovecraft!

JONNY

[overlapping] That – Alex, what –

[LAUGHTER]

Also Alex, that’s – that’s what we do in our other podcast!

ALEX

They’re not indescribable, we just spent 160 episodes describing it!

JONNY

[overlapping] – describing them, yeah.

[MORE LAUGHTER]

So when you have a particularly stressful experience, I will ask you to roll the stress dice, similar to any other resource, if it’s a 1 or a 2 it degrades one step, and you will have a bad reaction to what’s going on. If you roll a 1 or a 2 when it is a d4, you have a bit of a breakdown. You will be removed from the case and will spend the rest of the investigation having a chat with Doc Slaughter, the police psychiatrist, who’s lovely.

ALEX

Sorry, I’m – I’m immediately – I hear the surname Slaughter and I immediately go to rhymes and like… Doc Slaughter, ship’s… [drawn out, questioning] daughter?

[LAUGHTER]

Like – stuff like – I’m sorry, I can’t help it, it’s just the way I roll.

JONNY

No, no, the – Doc Slaughter, she’s – she’s the psychiatrist for Duskhollow PD and she’s – she’s very good.

SASHA

I think you’re thinking of, uh, fern sturgeon, ship’s surgeon.¹

ALEX

I am! Thank you, that was where I was going with that!

JONNY

And… oh, finally you have your hit points. If your hit points are gone, you might die.

FRANK

[overlapping] Oh, no!

JONNY

Uh, when you lose all your hit points – uh, sorry, if you lose all your hit points –

[BACKGROUND LAUGHTER]

– I will roll a dice to see what horrible thing happens.

LOWRI

Freudian slip, there?

JONNY

[unconvincingly] Noo! Nooo! [ominously] Freudian promise.

FRANK

[overlapping] Just an honest mistake. [disturbed] Oh.

JONNY

We are fine.

LOWRI

A-okay.

JONNY

So. It’s a rainy day in Duskhollow.

[SFX: THE SOUND OF RAIN AND GENTLE MUSIC BEGIN]

Well, a rainy evening. The days go fast and night is starting to fall. The streetlights outside are coming on one by one. People are walking the streets. Umbrellas up, coats on, heads down. You can almost hear mournful jazz, but it’s just the wind. [more dramatic] A bitter wind.

ALEX

Bitter syncopated wind!

LOWRI

In B-flat minor.

[LAUGHTER]

JONNY

A call comes in –

[SFX OF A PHONE RINGING, CUT OFF WHEN IT IS PICKED UP]

[SOUNDS OF TYPING, TALKING, THE OCCASIONAL PHONE CALL IN THE BACKGROUND]

There’s a new body. Geoffrey Mariner, heir to the Mariner fortune, has been found dead and mutilated in his uptown apartment. Case comes to you guys.

FRANK

I’ve already forgotten everything you told us except the name Geoffrey Mariner and the wind is musical.

ALEX

[overlapping] Geoffrey Mariner! He had an uptown apartment and… they called using the telephone!

JONNY

[overlapping] He’s rich. The heir to the Mariner fortune, they made their fortune in boats, uh, shipping, it’s a – it’s a shipping fortune.

FRANK

And he was dead in his apartment.

JONNY

He’s been found dead and mutilated.

[LOWRI GASPS]

FRANK

Oh, boy.

JONNY

At least according to the reports. The reports come in from the housekeeper, a woman named Nellie. Your car pulls up in Uptown, the townhouses of Uptown are tall.

[SFX CHANGE TO RAIN]

They’re narrow, tall, very well-built, lots of arches. The door to this one is open and there is another police car already there with some beat cops just, you know, putting down markers and going about the business of establishing this is a horrible crime scene.

ALEX

[with an accent] ‘Orrible. ‘Orrible crime scene.

LOWRI

Do we recognize them? Have we worked with them before?

JONNY

[overlapping] Yeah, they’re also from the police department. Their names are…. [pause, thinking hard] Greg. And –

LOWRI AND ALEX, SIMULTANEOUSLY

Both of them?

[LAUGHTER]

SASHA

Greg and Greg.

JONNY

Yeah. Big Greg and bigger Greg, they’re both very tall.

LOWRI

I don’t trust them.

JONNY

No, you shouldn’t, uh –

FRANK

[overlapping] They’re too tall.

JONNY

Like, they definitely – one of them definitely stole your yogurt from the fridge?

LOWRI

What did they use it for, that’s what I want to know.

JONNY

[background] I mean they –

[LAUGHTER]

JONNY

They ate it, you can’t see I’m doing air quotes. Uh –

LOWRI

I could hear it in your voice even if I wasn’t looking at you.

JONNY

So, the car door opens and you step outside.

SASHA

I’m gonna just charge in. Doors open.

JONNY

Yep.

SASHA

I don’t need to check with anybody, I’m just gonna walk straight in.

JONNY

The housekeeper, a middle-aged woman in exactly what you would imagine an uptown housekeeper to be wearing, is standing off to the side of a long corridor, and the activity seems to be mainly around a study just off the corridor to the left.

LOWRI

Okay, I’m gonna follow. I’m checking for scorch marks on the way.

JONNY

There aren’t any scorch marks that you can see. In fact, there doesn’t seem to be any evidence of violence or disturbance in the main hallway at all.

LOWRI

Suspicious.

ALEX

Oh geez, I’m gonna go hang out with big Greg and bigger Greg. ‘Cause, as – as a beat cop I, you know, have to check in with the beat cops.

JONNY

Yeah.

ARCHIE

So with the thing and the mutilation, yeah?

GREG

Yeah, nasty.

ARCHIE

Oh, right.

ALEX

Adopts a sort of faux, kind of, PI pose –

ARCHIE

What are we looking at b-boys?

GREG

[laconic] He’s dead. In there.

ARCHIE

Right.

GREG

We put the tape up.

ARCHIE

[strained, awkward] Good… work… boys.

ALEX

And then Archie’s gonna kind of just migrate slowly into the building ‘cause no one seems to be minding?

JONNY

No one – no one stops you.

ALEX

Then migrate Archie does.

FRANK

I will also approach the Gregs, now that this embarrassment has gone inside.

JONNY

Mm-hmm?

ALEX

[cheerful] That’s me.

CARL

So. Dead body.

GREG

Yes. In there.

CARL

Any idea how long ago he died?

GREG

I dunno, not a detective.

CARL

Any hunch?

GREG

While ago? Or now. Between a while ago and now.

CARL

[fast, exasperated] Alright, thanks Greg.

GREG

No worries. Thanks, Sarge.

FRANK

Gonna go inside.

JONNY

So. The study is messy, it’s cluttered. There’s papers all over the desk, a few knocked to the floor, bookshelves line the walls and those walls that are not lined with bookshelves have framed… often they look like official pieces of timetabling and one or two are announcement posters for various pieces of industrial transportation. Quite a lot of… you know how they always used to have announcement posters for, like, new trains? Or new, like, train lines and services, or like –

ALEX

[overlapping] Wait, as in, like [dramatic announcer voice] the new IP-90 from Chicago to Dallas in only three minutes –

JONNY

[overlapping] Yeah, yeah, yeah… yeah, absolutely –

ALEX

[overlapping] Oh, okay.

JONNY

– there’s quite a lot of those around, a few for – for boats and, like, new plane routes. Looks like this guy was quite into infrastructure?

[SASHA AND ALEX LAUGH]

At least he was until somebody murdered him because his corpse is currently sprawled out in the middle of the study.

ALEX

Likes: infrastructure. Dislikes: evisceration.

JONNY

That is a very good point, you should roll Flashlights for that.

SASHA

We can’t know that.

[LAUGHTER]

JONNY

[overlapping] Yeah, so that’s – that’s a clue, you’ve acquired a clue, so roll me Flashlights.

ALEX

Okay, so I am trying to remember how, so I have to use my d8 –

JONNY

Yes.

ALEX

– and then I have to roll…

JONNY

You just ro– like, you have already found the clue –

ALEX

[overlapping] Ah, okay.

JONNY

– so you’re rolling to see if there’s any negative consequence of you finding the clue.

[DICE ROLLING]

ALEX

Two!

JONNY

Okay, there is.

ALEX

[happy] Yeah!

JONNY

So what was your die type?

ALEX

D8.

JONNY

It is now a d6. And you are so busy looking at the posters on the wall, you straight up trip over the corpse.

[SOUND OF SOMEONE FALLING OVER]

ARCHIE

Aw man, oh jeez.

EMMA

[annoyed] No, Archie.

ARCHIE

Found the – found the thing, found the – found the guy with the [nasty squelching sound] ew, it’s on my shoes.

JONNY

His hands sort of accident – like his hands, like, kind of grips around your – your ankle, and [dramatic voice] the dead eyes stare up at you.

[SQUELCHING CORPSE SOUNDS CONTINUE]

ARCHIE

[distressed] Aww, these are new socks, oh god… Aw, have you – it takes so long to get corpse out of the tread…

JONNY

[overlapping] I’m probably gonna actually say that you should probably make a stress roll as well, uh, following on from that. The rest of you don’t have to make a stress roll, you’ve seen a lot of dead bodies and weirder dead bodies than this in Duskhollow.

ALEX

[overlapping] The rest of you don’t have to make a str-

FRANK

[overlapping] Hmm, yeah I haven’t seen such an incompetent rookie before though!

[SASHA LAUGHS]

ALEX

Yeah.

FRANK

Just like mad dogging you from across the room.

ALEX

None of you need to make a stress roll because Jonny likes all of you. Let’s see, a three!

JONNY

That is enough.

ALEX

[overlapping] Boo! Boo!

JONNY

You’re – it’s – it’s unpleasant but you’re – you’re keeping it together.

ARCHIE

Agh, agh, it’s getting – my doormat’s gonna smell of it, euugh…

CARL

Can you stop stepping in the corpse?

ARCHIE

[still distressed] I’m trying, he’s everywhere! Oh god, okay, one sec –

ALEX

I just kind of keep backing away until I hit wall and then sidle, maybe brushing a few things off the wall –

JONNY

Yep.

ALEX

‘Til I eventually escape the puddle that is this person.

[CORPSE SOUNDS FINALLY STOP]

FRANK

Yeah, I’m just staring at you the whole time.

LOWRI

Emma puts her arm around you and says –

EMMA

Look, don’t worry about the corpse, the important thing, these timetables. [lowers voice] They’re perfect, Archie.

ARCHIE

[overlapping] I, uhh…

EMMA

[continuing] They’re perfect to hide codes in. [intense] It’s very important you don’t touch them. Step in the corpse! Don’t move the timetables.

ARCHIE

Right, yeah, okay….

JONNY

[overlapping] To be fair, quite a lot of the – quite a lot of the papers on the desk are also various, sort of, clearly research into similar things. There are – there are timetables on the desk as well if you want to have a look.

LOWRI

Absolutely.

JONNY

Okay, please roll me Flashlights.

LOWRI

So, I’m rolling… eight?

JONNY

What is your Flashlights, uh, score?

LOWRI

Uh, eight.

JONNY

Then yes, you roll a d8.

LOWRI

Uh…that’s…. [trailing off]

ALEX

[overlapping] So you see your bandolier of Flashlights remains well stocked!

[LOWRI LAUGHS]

[DICE ROLLING]

LOWRI

Oh. Two.

JONNY

Okay, no, that’s – that’s for – what are your expertises, by the way?

LOWRI

Cryptography…

JONNY

Mm-hmm.

LOWRI

Occult, photography, flattery, [excitedly] document analysis!

JONNY

[overlapping slightly] – document analysis!

LOWRI

Do you want the rest or we just gonna stop with that, yeah?

JONNY

Uh, no, that’s fine, that’s fine, between cryptography and document analysis, these are definitely the clues you’re picking up on. So, yeah, there’s… it looks like he was writing a book on trains. Specifically at the different train types that were issued by British Rail over the 20th century. There are a lot of, you know, old documents – there’s one that seems to have been burned, though. It was definitely a timetable, you can tell by the corner that remains unburned. But, yeah, it’s in the, sort of, the metal waste paper basket. A lot of ashes and the corner of what looks like a timetable. It also looks like he was corresponding with someone about it by the name of Angela Grockle?

ALEX

Great surname, nice.

JONNY

And the last letter from her reads: “Dear Geoffrey, finally managed to find this. Hope it lives up to everything we were expecting. Good luck, Angela.” So, you’ve been looking at the timetables, the – the documents. Who’s looking at the body?

FRANK

I am.

JONNY

Okay!

FRANK

I am trying to see if I can get a vague idea of, like, time of death, if he was mutilated before or after he died…

JONNY

Okay, so it looks like… you would guess sometime within the last 24 hours? But the body is cold. So definitely recently, but not immediately. The mutilation you’d guess happened afterwards, given the lack of blood around, in fact, there’s very little blood around the body.

FRANK

So it was probably moved here.

JONNY

Specifically, given the amount of chaos around, it certainly looks more like… there was definitely some sort of physical activity here. Maybe a struggle, maybe a dance, you know. But some people were moving around here a lot immediately before he died. Specifically, he’s had his chest just carved open and you’re not a – you’re not an anatomist. Though you do have forensics, I believe.

FRANK

Yes.

JONNY

The heart is missing.

FRANK

How long ago did we get the call?

JONNY

You got the call about two hours ago.

FRANK

Okay.

JONNY

Yeah. It looks like, you would guess after he died, someone came in here and just carved out his heart. Can I get a Flashlights roll from you?

LOWRI

Can I just check ‘cause I rolled a two on my Flashlight, does that mean I’m now on a six?

JONNY

[overlapping] [caught off-guard] Oh goodness, yes I forgot that you’d – you’d failed, you’re now on a – you’re now on a six and yeah, I’m gonna say is a negative consequence, you are absolutely, it’s, like, the timetables are the key to everything.

[DICE ROLLING]

Timetables are a hundred percent the key to everything.

LOWRI

I had already anticipated that.

FRANK

I got a one, which I can’t believe ‘cause I tested all the d6s.

JONNY

[overlapping] Wow, okay, you guys are… you guys are… [trailing off]

[BACKGROUND LAUGHTER]

ALEX

[overlapping] I’m really happy with this. I’m really, really happy with this.

JONNY

So you’re now – you’re already on a – at a d4 for Flashlights.

FRANK

Yep.

JONNY

This is – this is gonna go… mmm, brilliantly. You are now covered in blood. You could go home and change but you’re not gonna have time. Like this is – this – you’ve got to work this case, you know, this is – this is – it’s just coffee through to the arrest at this point. So you’re spending the rest of the adventure just a bit covered in blood.

FRANK

Fine, it’ll dry eventually.

SASHA

And yeah, I would like to go and interview the housekeeper.

HOUSEKEEPER

Alright. Yes, uh, h-h-hello officer.

GABRIELLE

Hello, uh, it’s detective, actually. Detective Schreiber.

HOUSEKEEPER

[overlapping] Oh d-d-detective, s-s-sorry detective.

GABRIELLE

Uh, yeah, sorry for your loss and all that.

HOUSEKEEPER

I-i-it’s, I mean, i-i-t’s a real tragedy, I-I-I didn’t, you know… Oh, nasty old business, isn’t it.

GABRIELLE

Yes, it certainly is, so, um, was the victim married?

HOUSEKEEPER

Uh, n-no, no.

GABRIELLE

Oh. Oh, really? Okay.

HOUSEKEEPER

Geoffrey, he – h-he didn’t really go outside much, didn’t – didn’t talk to a lot of people. He had – he had his, uh, he had his pen pals but, you know, mostly he was – he was just doing his – doing his research. His mum and dad, they’re – they’re not in the country a lot, you understand, always traveling for business, uh, very much just leave him to his own devices.

GABRIELLE

Alright, okay, um… so, pen pals, you say?

HOUSEKEEPER

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

GABRIELLE

Where – where from?

HOUSEKEEPER

Oh, I-I don’t – don’t know, he didn’t really – didn’t really talk to me about it a lot. There was just, like, a lot of – a lot of letters came for him, the occasional package, and he – and he sent out a lot back, you know, just it was nice to see him – to see him have friends?

LOWRI

I – just so you know, I’m drifting over to listen to this and I am going to subtly try and just throw some salt on her skin because that’s how you tell if someone’s an alien.

HOUSEKEEPER

Oh, s-sorry, uh… it’s a – I seem to have some salt on me, I do apologize, detectives.

ALEX

I love the entire room has immediately gone just like, “Was he married?” “No.” “Oh, so you did it then.”

[LAUGHTER]

I’m learning a lot as the rookie in the room.

GABRIELLE

[overlapping] And you say you found the body, did you?

HOUSEKEEPER

Uh, I did, so a-about [pause, thinking] about maybe midday? I heard a lot of crashing from the room, but that’s not – that’s not always that unusual and generally if I – if I, you know, if I check up, Geoffrey gets a little bit – got, got a little bit irate. So I left it for a while but he didn’t come out when it was dinnertime so I-I checked and I found… well, I found him like this but there was the window – the window was open and I-I ran to it and I saw someone climbing over the – the back fence to get away.

GABRIELLE

Did you now?

HOUSEKEEPER

Yes.

GABRIELLE

And can you describe this person?

HOUSEKEEPER

Well they – they had, I mean, they were kind of bloody but they – they had short blonde hair and a – it was – I think it was a woman, she was tall and thin and had a scar on her face, over her eye.

GABRIELLE

[overlapping] Oh, really, a scar, eh? How convenient.

[ALEX LAUGHS]

HOUSEKEEPER

[overlapping] Yeah. W-was it?

GABRIELLE

Everyone’s got a scar, haven’t they? And, uh, can you tell me what you were doing for the day, before you found him?

HOUSEKEEPER

Cleaning, cooking, arranging the bed. I read a book for – for an hour or two. I like to take my breaks around 2 o’clock and I’m – I-I tend to read. Um…

ALEX

Archie pipes up at that point –

ARCHIE

And what was the, um – what was the publication on that – on that book, what was the publication date, hmm?

HOUSEKEEPER

I-I mean – i-it’s, I mean it was, it’s Joseph Conrad, so like, I imagine… [getting more and more unsure] uh, some time in the, uh, I mean, nineteen-t-twenty, I-I don’t really know.

ARCHIE

[overlapping] [fake incredulous] Oh, you don’t know the exact publication date of a book you’re reading?

HOUSEKEEPER

[overlapping] I mean, I’ve got it here –

JONNY

She – she will – she will, sort of, pass you a book.

GABRIELLE

Oh, you have it with you, do you? Mmm, very convenient.

ALEX

Archie, again, like looking just for the approval –

ARCHIE

Yeah, what – dead convenient, mmm?

GABRIELLE

Do you always carry your books around with you at all times when you’re being interviewed by the police?

HOUSEKEEPER

I mean it was – it was – I mean, I wasn’t carrying it, it was on the table, just there, you saw me pick it up.

ARCHIE

So you’re saying this is your book, then? Can you recite the Iban number for me, please?

HOUSEKEEPER

[disbelief] Uh, no?

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

I have expertise librarian!

JONNY

Uh, Sasha can you please roll Smokes?

SASHA

Yes, okay.

[DICE ROLLING]

Three!

JONNY

That’s enough. That’s – that’s fine. So. While this interview is going on, is anyone doing any more analysis of the scene, any more investigation?

ALEX

[overlapping] There was something genuinely I was going to do, like, as much as I’m riffing around, I’m like [makes unintelligible noise] Give it – give it back, just like [makes similar noise] kind of trying to pull off suspicious but not really? I am actually gonna attempt some legitimate investigation and go over to the window to see if the route that the escaping killer took is something that can be, like, also examined, that kind of thing.

JONNY

Sure, make me a flashlights roll.

[DICE ROLLING]

ALEX

Two.

[SOMEONE SAYS “OH, MY GOD’]

[LAUGHTER]

ALEX

[drawn out] Yeeessss.

JONNY

Good lord.

ALEX

How far do I fall out that [starts laughing] window?

[MORE LAUGHTER]

JONNY

Uhh… So. You notice a few things going over to the window.

ALEX

Mm-hmm.

JONNY

Firstly, that the back fence is clearly visible from this window. If someone was climbing out over the fence, you could see it from here.

ALEX

Okay.

JONNY

Secondly, there is an ashtray next to the window, with various cigarette butts in. Most of which are Camels, but there is one which is a Marlboro brand. And there is a matchbook for The Last Drop.

ALEX

[with feeling] Ooh, I love a good matchbook!

LOWRI

[drawn out] Yeesss!

ALEX

Oh, what’s the match book of?

JONNY

(what else?) Matches.

ALEX

As in, like – is it – is it from, like, The Pink Pussycat, is it –

JONNY

[overlapping] No, it’s from – i-it’s from The Last Drop.

ALEX

Oh, it’s literally from The Last – sorry –

JONNY

[overlapping] It’s from The Last Drop, a, uh….

ALEX

– I thought you were using lingo meaning the last drop cig.

JONNY

No, no, no, The Last Drop, is like a…

LOWRI

That’s what I thought as well.

JONNY

You – you probably wouldn’t go there, it’s kind of a rough establishment, but it is a bar in the downtown area, famous for just… like, there’s a back alley where there are lots of bodies there, mostly from the pub but sometimes people will just, you know, leave one there for a laugh.

LOWRI

Hilarious.

FRANK

I’d love to leave a corpse for a joke.

SASHA

Bants, innit?

[LAUGHTER]

JONNY

But also, you’re – you’re right, you did fail your Flashlights roll, so you fall out the window.

ALEX

Nice!

JONNY

Could you roll me a d4 and take that much damage?

ALEX

Roll a d4 and take that much damage…

[DICE ROLLING]

Four!

[MURMUR OF DISBELIEF FROM FRANK]

SASHA

[exasperated] Oh my god. Jesus.

[JONNY LAUGHS]

ALEX

Okay, cool.

FRANK

Can’t believe the rookie’s dead!

SASHA

[overlapping] Now we roll high.

JONNY

Uh, what – what is your health, by the way?

ALEX

See if I tell you that, you’ll try and avoid killing me, I’m sure – no, uh [laughs].

JONNY

[incredulous] No, I’m not going to try and avoid killing you! This is a one-shot!

ALEX

Uh, I have gone – I have gone from thirteen hit points to nine hit points.

JONNY

Okay, noted. You guys hear a [mimics sound of Alex’s character falling out a window].

[SFX OF SOMEONE FALLING OUT A WINDOW AT THE SAME TIME].

[ALEX LAUGHS]

It’s, like, less than, like, if – you’re – you’re on the ground floor.

[MORE LAUGHTER]

He just lands really awkwardly.

ALEX

I’m just in a bush.

LOWRI

I’m gonna use that distraction –

ARCHIE

Aw jeez, oh no…

LOWRI

– as a time to pocket a timetable or two, I’m gonna need more than one ‘cause I’m gonna cross-reference.

JONNY

Absolutely, you need them for the wall, the corkboard.

LOWRI

Yes, absolutely, I’m gonna be looking for codes later. I also want to plant some goo, homemade goo, that I carry around with me, in a key place. Maybe, if I’ve noticed the ashtray, in the ashtray, just ‘cause, sometimes people need a little bit of help to understand that [whispering dramatically] the aliens are all around us.

JONNY

So you’re just dropping some goo in the ashtray.

LOWRI

I’m dropping some goo in the ashtray.

ALEX

What is your goo made of?

LOWRI

It’s like a slime recipe. So we’ve got, what is it, flou – corn flour –

ALEX

[overlapping] Like, corn starch

LOWRI

Yeah, yeah, yeah… yeah.

JONNY

Okay, right, okay, so you’ve – you’ve put some goo in the ashtray –

LOWRI

Yeah, it’s got glitter in it.

JONNY

Can I – can I get a dexterity roll, actually, to see if anyone notices?

LOWRI

[overlapping] Absolutely. So, I’m rolling my d20 and I have to –

JONNY

You’re rolling your d20 trying to get under your dexterity.

LOWRI

I have a dexterity of eight.

JONNY

Well, let’s see.

LOWRI

You know, it’s possible.

[DICE ROLLING]

Nope.

FRANK

[overlapping] Nope.

[LAUGHTER]

LOWRI

Fifteen.

JONNY

So, you guys, you sort of pop up and just get a face full of goo.

ALEX

Yeah, saw that one coming.

[LAUGHTER]

ARCHIE

[distressed] Aw jeez! Aw man!

JONNY

Of course, you slip back down and take another point of damage.

ARCHIE

Aw, jeez! [more distressed] Aw, this – aw, man.

EMMA

What are you doing, kid?

ARCHIE

[continuing in background] Aw, jeez! Aw….

JONNY

So the sergeant is covered in blood, the rookie’s covered in goo, is there any more investigation you’ll want to do for this?

SASHA

I’d like to have a look to see if I can find, like, a diary or an address book because, okay sure Geoffrey Mariner wasn’t married, but he probably had like a cheating partner, or something like that.

JONNY

Sure thing. Okay, make me…

FRANK

[overlapping] Maybe his girlfriend was married.

SASHA

Maybe his girlfriend was married, or his boyfriend.

FRANK

Or his boyfriend, yeah.

JONNY

Roll some flashlights.

SASHA

Just turn on my torch.

[DICE ROLLING]

Got a five!

JONNY

Okay, he does have an address book, it’s a little bit blood-stained because it was in the inside pocket of his jacket. Along with a pack of Camel cigarettes. Opening it, there are actually a lot of addresses. For someone who didn’t leave the house a lot, he had a lot of – he had a lot of addresses in his book. No real detail about any of them, but there is one page that is clearly more thumbed and referenced than any other, which is Angela Grockle –

SASHA

Mm-hmm.

JONNY

And an address in Duskhollow, out in the suburbs.

SASHA

Okay.

LOWRI

Are there any photographs around the room?

JONNY

Some photographs, there’s trains? There’s one of a good-looking lorry.

LOWRI

The reason I ask is ‘cause I have expertise photography and I was wondering if I could gain any extra clues from…

JONNY

No, you can’t.

ARCHIE

Oh jeez, well, I mean this – this is – this is an unsolvable case. What are – what are we thinking?

FRANK

I’m gonna look around, and…

ARCHIE

[overlapping] Spontaneous heart combustion?

FRANK

I just want to see if there’s, like, any… you know, just like bloody handprints or anything that looks like it’s been moved around or taken.

JONNY

I’ll s– I’ll – you know what, even without a Flashlight roll, I’ll say that it looks like a lot of the furniture was moved away from the center of the room. There are a few divots, you’re like, “Oh the chaise longue should be here”, but it’s been pushed up against the wall. So it does look like someone’s cleared a space in the centre of the room.

FRANK

[overlapping] Yeah. Hmm.

JONNY

There’s a knock on the door and the two Greg’s are there.

GREG

Sarge. Coroner’s here. Wants to take the body.

EMMA

If you don’t mind I’d, uh – I’d like one last check on the body before they take it.

GREG

Mm-hmm.

LOWRI

I’m gonna just –

JONNY

Spray some goo?

LOWRI

No!

[ALEX LAUGHS]

I was actually going for the salt to see if he, uh… dissolves.

JONNY

No, he does not dissolve.

EMMA

Right, okay, [fast, under her breath] good to know, good to know, good to know, good to know.

SASHA

Can we take a photo of the body with one of those, like, big flash cameras?

[LOWRI GASPS]

JONNY

Uh, I mean, I think…

ALEX

[overlapping] [enthusiastic] Oh yeah.

LOWRI

[overlapping] Oh, absolutely. Emma gets out her camera –

JONNY

Mm-hmm.

[ALEX MAKES EXCITED NOISE]

LOWRI

And takes – [laughs at Alex]

ALEX

Sorry, no, it’s – okay, I have a weird obsession with and it’s a really specific period of time… [pauses] bloody love it, the period of time where you still have this sort of, you know, like the canvas expanding ones, but they were pocketable but it was like – it was like this case and you would open it and expand it, so it was like a pocket camera that still goes about as big as your head!

JONNY

Yeah, that’s – that’s what it is, that’s what you have.

LOWRI

That is exactly what it is.

ALEX

[overlapping] Like who shot Roger Rabbit, yeah, that’s what I mean.

SASHA

[overlapping] Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

JONNY

[overlapping] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ALEX

Yeah, that’s the one everyone always knows.

JONNY

There’s the bulb flash [SFX of bulb flash] and the –

ALEX

Oh, love it!

LOWRI

Yeah. And the sm-

JONNY

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

LOWRI

– what is that stuff? The… smoke that comes out?

ALEX

Phosphorus.

FRANK

Phosphorus.

LOWRI

[oh, right] Phosphorus!

JONNY

[overlapping] Little bit of phosphorus, there shouldn’t be, not with this design of camera, but there’s still a little bit.

LOWRI

Absolutely, yeah, I take a very lovely photo.

[ALEX MAKES “FWOOMPH” SOUND EFFECT IN BACKGROUND]

ALEX

[background] Oh, love it.

JONNY

Yeah, you can get that developed in a darkroom later. So, the ambulances pulled up, a couple of EMTs are wheeling in a gurney, along with Doctor Smilton, who is the coroner for the police department. He’s very tall, very thin, slicked back hair, and always a big smile.

DOCTOR SMILTON

Are we all, uh, we all done?

ARCHIE

Oh hey, Doctor!

DOCTOR SMILTON

With the, uh – hmm, yes, hello.

ARCHIE

Hey!

DOCTOR SMILTON

What a fascinating corpse – are we all done here? Uh, I can take it away, do my autopsy, see what’s, uh [short, high-pitched giggle], see what’s inside this, uh…

CARL

Or what’s not inside.

EMMA

[overlapping] Seen what I need to see.

DOCTOR SMILTON

What’s not inside? Sergeant, you intrigue me.

CARL

Well, his heart is missing.

DOCTOR SMILTON

Oh! Fascinating, wonderful, obviously not for him but for me… [cheerful] hmm, lovely news!

CARL

Yeah, so. Maybe you can keep an eye out, see if anything else is missing –

DOCTOR SMILTON

Absolutely!

CARL

– Or how well it was removed.

DOCTOR SMILTON

Yes, well, that is always the question, isn’t it. People are so keen to cut up people’s bodies, but they’re often so bad at it.

ARCHIE

Or if it was just one hell of a heart attack

DOCTOR SMILTON

Could be. [quieter, intrigued] A heart attack so powerful that it exploded and disappeared… possible? [energetic] That’s my job to find out and I am eager to do so. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and start cutting him up! [giggles] Oh, what a good day.

[LAUGHTER]

CARL

Speak to you later. Nice guy.

ALEX

Out of character: is he, though? [getting more intense] Is he? Is he? [laughs]

LOWRI

Yeah!

ALEX

In character –

ARCHIE

[not disturbed at all] Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

CARL

Yeah, I like him.

EMMA

I don’t trust him.

JONNY

So, is there anything else anyone wants to do with this crime scene?

FRANK

I want to have a look at the, um, path, that, um… what’s her name… [trails off]

LOWRI

So is that to get out the window from the body?

JONNY

[overlapping] Yeah, I’m not going to make you…

FRANK

[overlapping] Yeah. I’m not gonna go out the window. I’m not going [unintelligible]

JONNY

Yeah, I’m not gonna make you –

LOWRI

One of us already has.

[FRANK LAUGHS]

JONNY

I’m not gonna make you have a Flashlight roll for that, it’s, like, this room is walked through enough that it’s hard to tell. There are some scratches on the windowsill, but whether that is somebody climbing out or just the fact that it sees relatively common use with Geoffrey smoking out of it, who can say? Again, the back garden… there are some squashed plants, but whether that is somebody fleeing to the fence or someone doing some gardening, hard to tell. And, again, there’s – actually, no I will have one Flashlight from – [conflicted] no, you’ve only got a d4, you’ve only got a d4 and it’s too early to completely burn you out.

ALEX

Just do what I do and don’t investigate anymore!

[LAUGHTER]

Like, at all.

LOWRI

Just stand.

JONNY

But the – the fence… it’s a little bit askew? Could have just been – could’ve just been poorly made, could have been someone vaulting over it.

FRANK

Any marks on it?

JONNY

Not obviously, no.

FRANK

Okay.

JONNY

I mean, I cou– okay, do you want to make a Flashlights roll?

ALEX

Do it, I don’t know what the ramifications for you losing it are, but do it!

[DICE ROLLING]

FRANK

I can’t see it, what is it. That’s a one.

[SOMEONE SAYS “OH, NO” IN THE BACKGROUND]

JONNY

That’s a one, okay.

ALEX

[Drawn out, evil] Gooood.

FRANK

I’m dead!

[SASHA LAUGHS]

ALEX

[Similarly drawn out, higher pitched] Gooood.

JONNY

You’re not – you’re not dead.

ALEX

[dramatic] Bludgeoned to death by your own Flashlight!

JONNY

You do find… a bloody handprint. It’s faint, like, clearly the blood wasn’t super fresh? But yeah, somebody gripped the top of this with a hand that was bloody.

LOWRI

And that’s the fence, just…

JONNY

Uh, that’s the fence.

ALEX

Oh, okay: metagame, for some reason I’m assuming we’re pre-DNA but you can do a blood type match, that’s a thing.

FRANK

You’ve mistaken me for someone who ever cares.

ALEX

You know what, that’s a good point, that’s a good point, I apologize.

SASHA

So, Nellie obviously didn’t have anybody to verify her alibi of “I’m cleaning all day”, so I want to be going through the whole house, just checking up on how clean it actually is, looking for dust…

JONNY

Real clean.

SASHA

Mmm.

JONNY

It’s real clean.

SASHA

[overlapping] She said she was cooking, how – like, what’s the food situation, is the fridge stocked…

JONNY

[overlapping] There is… a big pot of stew, that hasn’t really been touched.

SASHA

I’d better test that, does it taste good?

JONNY

Roll me Flashlights?

LOWRI

Real good reason to lose a Flashlight.

[DICE ROLLING]

SASHA

[triumphantly] Ten!

LOWRI

Ah.

[SFX OF SLURPING STEW]

JONNY

Oh, it tastes good!

FRANK

Dammit!

JONNY

Tastes real good.

SASHA

Got me some tasty stew.

ALEX

Or tasty… [raises voice dramatically] poison!

[LOWRI MAKES ACCOMPANYING DRAMATIC SOUND EFFECT]

ALEX

That explodes your [starting to laugh] heart.

[LAUGHTER]

SASHA

Oh, no, I shouldn’t have done this!

ALEX

Think I upset Jonny by solving the mystery too early, I’m real sorry.

JONNY

Frank, just to be clear, you’re now out of Flashlights. I know what’s gonna happen because of that but for now, you’re not able to look around, at least you can still talk to people for clues, but you can’t look until something happens that refreshes your Flashlights.

ALEX

You got tired, tired eyes.

JONNY

We’ll see how it goes.

FRANK

What if I rest them?

[ALEX LAUGHS]

SASHA

Time to have a nap in the police car!

FRANK

I’ll just do it in the garden, it’s already a mess.

[LAUGHTER]

JONNY

So, I’m probably gonna call the initial crime scene there, and probably the first episode, I think.

ALEX

We were wildly successful, so it does make sense.

JONNY

You’ve got a lot of clues, you do have a lot of clues. You should be able to solve it [snaps] like that.

SASHA

I think this is an open and shut case, like I think we all know what’s going on here.

JONNY

[overlapping] Poisoned stew…

LOWRI

[overlapping] Yeah…

ALEX

[overlapping] Poisoned exploding heart stew.

LOWRI

Aliens.

SASHA

Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

FRANK

Yes.

JONNY

So. We will be back in two weeks with the next installment of Duskhollow PD.